I consider this particular question all the time, particularly when I run across posts on social media or videos from people that I’ve known. I think about this question in terms of past events that occurred between these people and me. When I think about the things that transpired between these people and me, I often ask myself, “Do people forget what they’ve done to me or do they hope I forget?”
Although I consider myself to be a forgiving person, the act of forgiving is a process for me. Each time I must consider the above question, I reconsider forgiveness. Most times, I feel no type of emotion when this question occurs to me regarding the people I have in mind, but it does baffle me to see that perhaps these people have never considered what they might have done to hurt me.
Let me be a little more specific …
I’ve considered the above question regarding three different people that were in my life. At different times, I considered these individuals to be my best friends. All three have since gone on to become spiritual/religious leaders of some sort since the last time I’ve seen or spoken to them.
Each of these people also betrayed me in enormous ways, and their betrayal affected me for years. Even now, there are people who supposedly hate me because of the betrayal I experienced from these former so-called friends. Two of these former so-called friends betrayed me when I was too young to comprehend that they were not truly my friends at the time. Yet, they persisted on behaving as if they were my friends.
Although I have moved on with my life, I have often wondered whether those who’ve caused me heartache have ever reflected upon their life behaviors in the same way I’ve reflected upon mine. Of course, there is no way for me to know this. I would simply have to trust that they reflect too (or not). In a matter of perspective, what I considered important from the past may not be as important to them, but it’s difficult to point this out because I truly don’t know.
Even after seeing these three so-called friends go through what appeared to be spiritual transformations, I’ve often wondered if God ever pricked their hearts … like, “Hey! There are a few apologies you owe some people. Repent!” But that’s more my thoughts on the matter of what I wonder God might say about it. I don’t really know. I just wonder because I’ve gone back to apologize and repent to people I’ve hurt, including these three friends, but I don’t know how much it helped unless it was just about helping me.
A Riddle Solved?
It’s natural to wonder whether people who have hurt us remember their actions and feel remorse, especially when they appear to have made positive changes in their lives. However, whether they remember or acknowledge their past actions varies from person to person.
Some individuals may actively try to forget or downplay their past wrongdoings as a way to cope with feelings of guilt or shame. They may avoid mentioning apologies or seeking forgiveness because it requires confronting uncomfortable truths about their behavior.
Others may genuinely believe that they have changed and may focus on their present actions rather than dwelling on the past. They may assume that because they’ve made positive changes, the past no longer matters or that apologies are unnecessary.
It’s also possible that these individuals haven’t fully acknowledged the impact of their actions on others, or they may lack the empathy or insight to recognize the need for apologies. Additionally, they may fear rejection or confrontation if they attempt to address past hurts.
Ultimately, whether or not people remember and acknowledge their past wrongs depends on their individual experiences, beliefs, and capacity for self-reflection. As for my situation, it’s important for me to prioritize my own healing and well-being, regardless of whether others apologize or seek forgiveness.
Ultimately, I have the power to cultivate forgiveness and find peace within myself, regardless of external validation or acknowledgment from those who have hurt me. It would be nice, however, to hear them acknowledge what they’ve done. Although I believe that I’ve forgiven them, I just can’t help but wonder how they internally work this out within themselves.
For years, I ached to have the forgiveness of a person I hurt when I was in third grade. I stole the person’s pencil pouch and attempted to cover my tracks. The internal guilt and agony of having committed such an act grieved me even then. I literally sweated for days because of the work it took to keep my thievery covered up.
Back then, I was envious of this classmate and wanted what didn’t belong to me. I wanted to take their bragging rights away over a pencil pouch. Yet, looking back over this situation, I was angry with this classmate for even more. I perceived them to have come in and swooped down upon one of my friends and turned that friend against me. Oddly, that’s one of the three friends who betrayed me later on in life.
So what goes around certainly does come around. I reaped what I sowed in the end, and in particular, when it was discovered that I was the pencil pouch thief, the punishment I received for stealing was not only well-deserved for me, but also actually a relief. Having to hide that much guilt for having stolen from was a terrifying and gut-wrenching time. Thankfully, I got through that situation, but I never received that classmate’s forgiveness, and that sometimes haunts me even now.
I even reached out on social media to this person, but they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist. At some point, I eventually gave up because there was not anything that I could do. So eventually, I let it go, and I let ever seeking to pursue this person’s forgiveness go too. I also had to realize that just because I reflect over the pain that I’ve caused others, not everyone will forgive me, and they don’t have to do so.
So it is with those who’ve caused me pain. They don’t have to reach out. They don’t have to apologize. They don’t have to care, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering. Yet, even in all this, I am cautioned to think carefully about letting anyone back into my life who’s no longer there. Even if they seem changed or talk with change, there’s no guarantee they are not the same person as before.
The only possible guarantee I have are the words of sorrow that have never been spoken and the pain they’ve inflicted that all seems to have been forgotten. If there’s no acknowledgement of wrong doing, no matter how sanctified they try to make themselves out to me or now matter how transformed they seem to appear, actions speak a lot louder.
My Voice Unchained 