A few weeks ago, I watched an accident take place in real time. I’d just driven past the scene where the accident would take place, and within seconds of my passing the area, I watched a collision as I looked into my rear view mirror.
Although the accident was not about me, I realized how it could have been me as I had just passed the scene of the accident within seconds of the accident actually happening. All within that time, I thought about how critical the impact.
When the cars collided, they both took a spin. They were within feet away from a gas station. I was grateful that the accident was not worse, although I never found out the condition of either driver at the time.
I marveled how police were on the scene within moments of the accidental occurrence. In fact, the police were driving in my direction already – most likely headed towards the nearby police department. So it was to the drivers’ advantages that help was on the scene promptly.
Yet, within the quickness of that accident taking place, it dawned on me that I had just escaped a possibly “finished” life of my own. In fact, I reeled that not too far from that scene, I had merely escaped the same type of incident a year before. Not even a mile away from the spot of this recent accident, a teenaged driver sped past me during morning traffic, ran a red light, and was hit on the driver’s side sending the car she was driving into a tailspin – careening and flipping over to the the other side of the road.
Although there were injuries, all of the drivers were able to get out of their cars to safety. It was in that moment that I realized how quickly life can be “finished” in an instant even when the person may actually have an unfinished life. In fact, life changed within an instant even though the drivers made it out of the ordeal to safety because of the trauma involved in the event.
An Unfinished Life
Despite my personal problems, I still feel as if my life is unfinished in so many ways. I can honestly say I’m not ready to die. I don’t even want to die. Even when there are days I simply wish I could disappear, I still want to live. I believe I still have so much living I still need to do.
Again, I feel as if my life is unfinished … as if I haven’t really lived it.
I sometimes wonder if dealing with narcissistic individuals in this life is all I’m ever going to experience outside of battles with depression and anxiety or if feeling so separate from everyone else because of being on the spectrum is my life’s lot. To date, I can’t say this is a life that I planned for even though it’s not been entirely horrible. There have been some very difficult times, however.
There are struggles within this life I’ve had that I wouldn’t even wish upon my enemies. There’s trauma I’ve experienced that I’m still working through. I’m still healing. I’m still walking the journey of this life, and I’m still trying to understand it. Yet, this life is mine, and the thought of it ending when it seems so unfinished gives me great pause to think. What more do I want to do with my life?
Even though I don’t know exact answers to this above question, I know that I want to do a lot, and I want to feel as if I’ve actually lived while doing a lot. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished a life that can be finished when it’s time for me to finish it (if that makes sense). I don’t want to leave this earth with an unfinished life. I want to know my purpose, and whatever that purpose is, I want to know that I’ve fulfilled it.
My Voice Unchained 