“Never satisfied” and “Not good enough” often come to mind when I think of my dealings with narcissistic individuals from my past. Almost anything I’ve ever done has never met their complete satisfaction, and I’ve never felt as if I was good enough in their presence.
Usually, when I’ve done something for narcissists, I’ve been excited to do whatever they’ve needed or desired only to be met with their disdain, sarcasm, or displeasure. All of my excitement was cut down in an instant no matter how hard I might have worked to do what was requested or no matter how much I’d gone out of my way for them.
Doing anything for a narcissist is never enough. In the past, I couldn’t give enough. I couldn’t say enough. I couldn’t do enough. I couldn’t be enough. Simply put, I was never enough, and they were never satisfied with all that I gave of myself, and I gave a lot of myself too. I gave so much of myself that I burned myself out in a lot of my relationships with these narcissists, and the in the end, they didn’t even care.
Reflections
Sometimes I will be triggered by an event that makes me reflect on my relationships (mainly lack thereof) with narcissists from my past. These reflections will often be filled with sadness because I didn’t speak up for myself more, didn’t recognized the red flags waving my way, or didn’t stop myself from being such a giver to those narcissists.
Although I have no regrets in regards to connecting with these narcissists, which I know probably seems crazy, I do feel disheartened about the way I was made to feel in my connections with them. The hurt from those disappointing situations of never been enough and their never being satisfied would sometimes permeate my spirit and rest upon me for days, and if not for days, then my entire day would be clouded by disappointment.
This is when I consider my own actions. I never want to make anyone feel as if they aren’t good enough, intentionally or unintentionally. I always want to be appreciative of every action done on my behalf. I want to show that I’m grateful even for the thoughts because another person’s thoughtfulness does count. I want to show my satisfaction, and if there’s an issue, I want to be able to let the person know without breaking their spirit.
However, I’ve learned not to expect myself from others anymore because of the frequent letdowns. Although sometimes I wish I could go back and defend myself, I know that none of that would have mattered to those narcissists anyway. In fact, all they would have wanted is for me to react, and they would have been satisfied in simply getting narcissistic supply from me. No matter what I would or could have done for them, they would have never been grateful. They would have just spewed more of their hateful dissatisfaction against me.
Although the narcissists who were in my life were never satisfied and didn’t consider me to be good enough, I know all too well that their thoughts were merely reflections of their own inner lives of trauma. Even if I wasn’t good enough for them, I’m okay with the assessment I give of myself. I make efforts to improve the person I’m becoming everyday. I am good enough, and I am satisfied with continuing to improve. I don’t need narcissistic approval, and I won’t seek for it.
My Voice Unchained 