Sometimes I don’t know quite how to put what I want to say into the proper verbiage. I don’t know if this is because my mind races and my need to speak what’s on my mind can’t catch up or if it’s because of my struggles with selective mutism – a form of social anxiety that inhibits speaking in certain social settings.
Whatever the case, I often find that what I often intend to say doesn’t match what I actually say, and even if I know how I want to word things, what I say either doesn’t make sense to my audience or makes so much sense that my audience is offended by my words. In fact, I can usually tell how my words in the moment have been received by others based on their facial expressions and body language.
Needless to say, this situation with my words not coming out quite like I want them to happened at work. My verbiage most likely set me up for more bullying from the mob that’s been against me for a few weeks with their narcissistic abuse tactics such as the silent treatment and stonewalling, but frankly, I don’t even care. I refuse to be intimidated by such negative tactics.
The words I’ve spoken are out and have settled into the atmosphere. As a result, there will either be change within the working environment or things will simply remain the same. It is what it is, but at least I expressed myself. At least everyone knows how I feel and where I stand. Perhaps, the timing of my words could not have happened at a better time – when enough of the mob of bullies were present to experience them so they could run and tell the narcissistic leader of their group.
Can’t Take The Words Spoken Back Now
The job I do is very easy, but it’s physically demanding. In fact, if teammates don’t pull together fairly, then a few on the team will struggle to fulfill the demands upon them because of an unbalanced and heavy workload. Such has been the case with my current position. The work has been extremely unbalanced to the point that I, along with at least two other people, end up carrying more than our fair share of a very heavy load while other more lazy coworkers give the appearance of working hard.
Actually, it’s really only a few people who are lazy and end up not doing their part or they will pick and choose their portion of the workload while leaving what they are supposed to do for everyone else. Somehow, the two other people and me who physically work the hardest end up having to carry the weight of the lazy ones, and nothing is ever said by management. My overall assumption is that the managers likely do not know what is happening, but sometimes, I am not so sure if this is the case.
Nevertheless, I see no accountability by management in regards to the lazy ones, and they just continue to get away with being lazier. In the beginning, I thought I could ignore these negative behaviors of my coworkers, but that is when I thought that what they did wouldn’t affect me. However, I am not only expected to do my part, I’m also expected to do the the part of the workload that the lazy ones should have taken care of themselves. This makes working at this job egregious, and my attitude about work very poor.
Because of the imbalance in the workload – an issue I have brought to the attention of more than one manager or lead before – I’m leaning on the edge of quitting this job just as so many other hard workers have done in the past when no change has come about to make things better. Instead of remaining silent about it, I ended up voicing my intent to one of the leads and a small group of my coworkers – all of whom are in some way connected to the mob of bullies who are against me.
When the words about my desire to quit because of the unbalanced workload left my mouth, all who were present to hear me were shocked – including myself, but I expressed myself in an effort to give an example within the lead’s context about how the imbalance of work had the potential to make all workers feel about their jobs. Of course, my expression seemingly backfired on my behalf, but in that moment, I didn’t care.
In that moment, I expressed my truth. Although my resentment about one of the easiest jobs I’ve ever held was unleashed and seemingly made me look like I was complaining and dampening the spirits of others, I continued to speak. I expressed how the physical demands of the job had grown only more imbalanced for some and that anyone else’s inability to empathize on our behalves was because they had literally escaped walking in our shoes because they weren’t doing their jobs.
Of course, my verbalization about what’s been going on caused an “ouch moment” even though I hadn’t truly intended to step on anyone’s toes as an insult. Yet, even the truth often causes injury. In fact, the truth can seem downright insulting to those it offends. Nevertheless, I believe the reality of the situation was that I was shining a spotlight on certain members of the mob of bullies without specifically naming them or their actions.
Not everyone on the team is equally doing their fair share of the work, and without even saying this, I simply expressed my frustrations about my ever-increasing work demands that didn’t seem to match the description of the work expectations for the entire team. When I placed a spotlight on what was actually happening, the team lead was perplexed by my response … so perplexed they said, “We don’t want people to leave because of an imbalance of work or any other negative issues. We want people to leave because they’ve mastered other more promising opportunities.”
To add to what seemed like further insult to injury, I commented that I was presently searching for something else because I had begun dreading being a part of my present working environment. Once I unleashed my fury of words, I couldn’t make them stop. I had not intended to offend but only to make a point. Yet, of course, those a part of the mob of bullies or those acting in fear of the mob of bullies would not openly agree with me at all. They simply stared as if they were deer caught in headlights.
In fact, the silence was loudly deafening. I also believe there was fear amongst the small group that I would openly name those causing an increase in the workload for others. However, I only spoke of my personal experience and how the division of labor affected me. I didn’t name names, and I didn’t point fingers at anyone. I simply expressed how the increased demands upon me were affecting me physically and taking such an enormous toll on my desire to be present at work that I had decided it was best for me to focus my efforts on making an effort.
In speaking my words in the moment, I was very aware that I was opening myself up for any further mobbing from the bullies, but I didn’t care. I knew that the thoughts and comments would occur that perhaps the work was simply too hard for me because when I finished unleashing my words in the moment, a very lazy coworker, who refused to look in my direction, said, “This job is not hard. It’s easy!”
To make matters worse, the team lead reiterated the lazy coworkers point … that the job is easy, but I doubled down on my point and said, “It’s extremely easy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t physically grueling when I’m doing more than my fair share of the work. If you’re not ever doing all that we are supposed to do, then you can’t possibly know what I’m talking about.”
After my statement, the silence among the group was almost tangible, but I still didn’t care. I was fed up even though I didn’t feel nor project any anger in the moment. I simply spoke up, and in doing so, I realized that I may have set myself up for more trouble. Yet, I still didn’t care. I didn’t care about anyone’s feelings in that moment but mine. Once my words spoken in the moment were released, I felt relieved that I’d said them. I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Unfortunately, words in the moment can not only change the atmosphere, but words in the moment can easily offend the listeners and even be misinterpreted by the listeners. It was not ever my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone feel as if I were pointing fingers at them. I simply wanted to express my experiences which is why I primarily focused on myself. Yet, my words in the moment exposed more than just my experiences, my words exposed a whole lot more. I knew this was the occurrence by the way everyone reacted even as they all stood silent.
It was their body language, their silence in the way they all looked at each other, and their micro-expressions that gave way to their fears of their own exposure as well as their calculated desires to escape my words in the moment. Had I just remained quiet, then the same old same old could continue and the possibility of accountability would never happen. Yet, now that I’ve spoken, there is a responsibility on the team lead to consider my words in the moment.
Only time will tell what happens as a result of my words in the moment … whether I’ve set myself up to be further demoted, fired, or pushed out, but I’ll be sure to let you know. Stay tuned as this saga within the workplace continues.
My Voice Unchained 