From time to time, and more often than not, I reflect upon my own behaviors. I always try to determine what narcissistic traits I see within myself. After all, I am the product of narcissistic parents – one actually being a malignant covert narcissist. Thus, I was bound to inherit some narcissistic traits.
In an effort to heal from narcissistic abuse and grow into becoming an emotionally healthier person, I reflect upon those negative traits I need to work on within myself. No better time than to watch my own behaviors than when I see myself react within the work setting. I reflect often as a way to determine what I’m discerning about someone else.
In fact, I often question whether I’m insecure, miserable, intimidated or threatened by coworkers, or still harboring major bitterness in an area that causes me to lash out at others. I reason that it can’t be all just on the coworkers … that my behaviors might be the problem that causes them to react in negative ways towards me. I think this way at times because of how coworkers often interact with me. I often find myself testing the waters with certain coworkers – particularly those who I’m not so sure regarding their alliances with those who’ve set themselves against me as my enemies.
As a matter of fact, I’m very aware of the chain of command within the group at work I refer to as the mob because of their silent bullying behaviors against me, and I suppose, in a way, that there are some eggshells I walk around instead of stepping on just to discern what is going on around me. This has always been a thing for me to do within narcississtic environments as a way to prepare myself, protect myself, and stay ahead of what happens.
While a team lead might stroll through the work area and speak to coworkers and me, I often don’t respond. I wait and listen to my coworkers respond in an effort to decide my level of engagement. I’m not always so sure my reasons for doing this, but I frequently find that narcissistic coworkers tend to put on airs and fake their behaviors as a way to “kiss up” to the superiors. I don’t like doing this. Plus, I find that I also don’t trust some of the team leads either.
Although the team leads may not be a part of the mob, most of them have shown themselves to be people I cannot trust regardless of what they say. Their actions have shown me something different – something I cannot trust. Yet, I wonder how much of what I experience is the result of my own internal feelings causing me to pull back from interactions. I don’t always know, but I’m not a faker. It’s annoying to fake. I tend to mask enough as an autistic, and masking my autistic traits so as not to set my coworkers off against me tends to be exhausting enough.
Yet, I find that I am not always well received because I have the type of personality that is not only autistic in traits but is also “by the books” that it tends to rub some people the wrong way. I don’t mince words even though I can be a gentle soul. I say what needs to be said, and sometimes there’s no simple or easy way to say what needs to be said. Yet, sometimes, I know that there are obvious negative things about me that might be a problem for others. Either way, I feel like I can’t win.
For instance, sometimes I become extremely irritable when rules aren’t followed on the job. When teamwork is involved, following the rules is very important to me. When one or more coworkers don’t do as they are supposed to do, making it hard for the team to successfully complete tasks, I will fight the desire to become passive aggressive and will instead speak up on things. Yet, at the same time, I realize that no one seems to care – not even the ones I know wish to say something too.
Everyone will just settle for less than what they expect to get in terms of the work experience, but I find that I can’t settle, and it makes me so angry when I feel that I am forced to settle. Instead of sitting on bitterness and resentment, I eventually speak out because I don’t like holding those types of feelings inside of me. It’s physically taxing. Speaking out, however, always puts me in a bad light even when I stand to advocate for myself and others. Again, there is just no win-win.
Then there are those times with certain coworkers that I believe I’m on good terms with only to find that there is something off in what I perceived to be a connection. If I find myself tapdancing around them, then I realize that it’s not me. It’s them. I realize that they are projecting their stuff onto me which causes me to always look at myself and my behaviors. Then, I’m always looking for an inroad to understanding the person, and that’s when I realize I’m looking to people please in an effort to not make another enemy.
For whatever reason, the mob has all but ceased their bullying tactics against me, but occasionally, I will feel a brush off from one or more members individually that seems to be an attempt to keep me off balance. Two members will always speak in a coded way to each other when I’m around as if I don’t notice and then glare at each other while rolling their eyes in reference to me. This leaves me to constantly feel as if I need to keep a check on myself by way of the things that I do and say to the point that I have to wonder if I’m competing against one or more of them. I’m constantly watching out for myself while they are watching me – keeping track of all that I do.
Nevertheless, I’m finding that I need to stop caring about others in this way especially within this particular work setting. Everyone has an individual mindset, and they are working for themselves. I try to do the same. I should only care about myself and just move forward. Yet, this is not always easy for me because I’m so hyper-vigilant. Interestingly, there is a coworker whom I suspect is on the spectrum for autism based on certain nuances and behaviors they exhibit, and I notice that some coworkers are frequently annoyed by this coworker’s often repetitive conversations and behaviors.
Usually, I see those similar autistic behaviors that this coworker outwardly expresses within myself, and this leads me to think about my own behaviors. Many of my coworkers treat this other coworker as a nuisance to them. Around me, they are not so quick to pretend they are not bothered by the coworker. Yet, the autistic coworker will often complain off-handedly about being mistreated by some of them.
Oddly, I had an accident on the job, and this put me out of commission to where I was in a job position that no one wanted to see me in even though I was injured. I couldn’t help but think that my injury was viewed as something I’d done on purpose after expressing myself to everyone about the imbalance of work within the workplace. Nonetheless, it didn’t matter to me what the others thought because I was still doing my job despite my injury.
I realized that no one else cared about the fact that I was injured but were instead brooding over the fact that I was placed in an enviable work position that was originally mine to begin with before any of the coworkers were placed in the department in which I work. It’s like I cannot win. No matter what I do, I cannot win. Yet, I also cannot help but to consider that I cannot win because the negativity might also be attributed to me.
At this point, I feel that I’m talking a lot of gibberish that only makes sense to me since I’m walking through this. It’s just that I want to analyze my own behaviors because sometimes it’s not always other people. I do need to reflectively take a look at myself. Am I the problem-maker or the problem-solver? Or, was I created to be the catalyst within this narcissistic environment for a reason? Or, is it just the nature of the way things are in this life if I find that I’m always in the same situation again and again?
I don’t know the answers, but I do believe it’s always worthwhile to take at look at myself, and reflect upon and analyze my own behaviors so that I can improve and become a better person – a better version of myself.
My Voice Unchained 