I was in deep thought about my life and was struck by how I went from one narcississtic relationship to the next, whether it was work-related, romantic, or friendly. There never seemed to be any letting up. I considered that if my life’s path was ordered by God, then the road I’ve traveled should have been a lot easier and a lot less narcissistic, and that has definitely not been the case (not talking about whether it should be).
I was born into a narcissistic family, and now I travel the road of “family” very much alone. I am partially-no-contact to absolutely-no-contact with much of my family – only speaking to my dad mostly every other weekend. Sometimes that grows fatiguing because the topics of conversation always revolve around family members with whom I have no contact. Otherwise, I couldn’t choose my family. So, I’m always believing there was some great purpose for having been born into the family of my origin.
Although I never seemed to have been able to affect change for my family, I could affect change for myself. However, I was different from the start. I was the black sheep, the scapegoat, the one who was vastly different compared to everyone else. I was the one to branch out and do very different things – live independently in a way that my family seemed to fear to experience. In truth, I branched out in a way that I never needed my family’s help. I was the lone ranger who sought a different kind of life because I had the yearnings for something different, something safer (compared to my upbringing), and something more intertwined with my personality (which was an outlier compared to my family).
What I was really looking for, however, was to be narcissistically free. I wanted to live a life that was free from abuse of any kind and free from being made to be the blame for every bad thing happening, but, unfortunately, I seemed never able to find my way of escape. I didn’t realize, at the time, that all I needed to do was walk away and shut these types of people out of my life. I’ve reasoned that I might have been freer a lot sooner if it wasn’t so hard for me to do this. There were trauma bonds and/or soul ties that made breaking away so much more difficult than just knowing I needed to do so. I also had to actually want to do so in some cases too.
In most cases, I had to know that I wanted to break away since so many of those narcissistic relationships were about people controlling my will to do absolutely anything I desired to do, which is something I never completely understood. Why did these people want to control me? Why did these people think they had rights over my will to do whatever I wanted to do? What made them believe that they knew best for a life I needed and wanted to live when they were mostly incapable of leading their own chaotic lives? What was it about me that made others want to take over me, use me, and abuse me?
The Controlling Church Lady
When I first moved away from the family of my origin, I ventured into a city on the heels of my faith – believing that God had ordered my footsteps. I didn’t know anyone except for a friend who’d invited me to a church which I originally thought was too good to be true. Not knowing that my first impression was a first real red flag was an open door into more red flags to come, but I eventually joined a church in the area only to be accosted by some narcissistic church members. One of those was someone I’ll refer to as a controlling church lady because I have no other way to describe her.
The controlling church lady was actually a very beautiful, classy and well-dressed woman. She carried herself with such esteem that her very presence seemed to command a type of respect and honor as soon as she walked into a room. She was very charismatic and had the gift of conversation. I could see why she was a successful insurance agent. I hadn’t had any time to get to know my new surroundings within the church or the city before this woman took a high interest in me and my life. Actually, I never quite understood why my life was a pressure point for this woman to want to control, but the moment I moved to the area to get settled in and get a new job, she was all over my life.
This controlling church lady wasted no time in making sure I became acclimated to the rules of the area. She threatened to report me to the transportation department if I didn’t have my car registration, driver’s license, and insurance changed over from my previous state. I had just moved to the area and was getting settled, but that didn’t matter to this woman. She literally gave me a deadline prior to reporting me. I was quite taken aback. Although I wanted to follow the law, I didn’t want to be hounded into doing so, but that’s exactly what she did to make sure I followed through.
Although I had a few mother figures from the church who wanted to help me decorate my new apartment, this woman insisted on giving me pointers since she had specifically lived in my building before. It wasn’t my first apartment, and it wasn’t my first time on my own. I’d simply moved to another state and joined a church filled with people I really didn’t know. Yet, for some reason, many of the people of this church seemed to think that I was younger than my 28 years at the time. Frankly, I don’t know how I gave the vibe that I needed anyone’s assistance since I’d already been living on my own many years prior.
I declined so much help, but the controlling church lady would not be deterred by my refusals. She not only insisted on helping me decorate, but she also insisted on getting into other areas of my personal life as well, such as suggesting that I go on weeknight outings with her, with the main purpose of meeting men. She believed that I shouldn’t be single for long, even though being in a relationship was not something that I was even entertaining. I’d just escaped a relationship with a narcissist I almost married. So I just wanted peace. Yet, this woman took one look at me and decided that I needed a husband, and she was going to help me look.
This controlling church lady also harassed me incessantly about my career choice all because that same career choice didn’t work out for her. She ridiculed my decisions about the most trivial things all because they were decisions that she would not have made. Although she gave me a lot of useful information about insurance, I felt that other more personal information she related about men, marriage, and family were simply out of line with my own ideas.
Because I wanted to pace myself and not get involved in dating, she verbally condemned me for not putting myself out there. She also condemned me about what she perceived as my lack of a spiritual life because my behaviors didn’t measure up to what she believed they should be. Additionally, she thought that I was too quiet, too introverted, and just too weird “for a woman” of my age. So it was clear she had no understanding of what it means to be neurodivergent, but she was also not to keen on listening to my explanations. She was annoying, to say the least, and a bona fide control freak, to say the most.
To this controlling church lady, I was a sad case who needed desperate help, and any other woman that she was friends with or who had that same demonic, narcissistic spirit about them also treated me the same way. Ultimately, to avoid her, I heavily threw myself into my career and became so busy that I had any calls from her go straight to my voice machine. I rarely returned her calls, and if I did, I had to prepare for them in advance because she’d attempt to keep me on the phone for a very long time. I also avoided her at church as much as I could by showing up after greeting time and leaving as soon as services ended, even though this was my go-to to get out of having to socialize with people anyway.
Eventually, this controlling church lady grew tired of what she perceived as my obstinate spirit against her, and ultimately, against God. So she set her sights on someone else to control. Thankfully, I fell away from her radar, and I was so glad to be free of her. I didn’t consider her a friend at all, and for a time, I wondered why she was so bothered by and so consumed by my life. She was a married woman, and I didn’t even know this for a long time because she never mentioned her husband to me.
I just assumed because this controlling church lady spent so much time working in insurance, meddling in the affairs of others, and devoting time to ministry within the church that she was single. As a matter of fact, her husband never even attended church with her. So I always considered her a single unit. It wasn’t until a friend told me about this woman’s situation that I realized that she might have sought to control others outside of her home because she had no control while at home. I actually wondered how her husband put up with her and her controlling ways because she was just too much.
Additionally, I also didn’t know this controlling woman had children and grandchildren. I’d actually never heard her mention family before. I would later learn that her children were estranged from her – basically out of her life. She rarely saw them except for special occasions like the holidays. They were not in her life by intention, and this was something I could understand. They may have remained out of her life to get away from her control, and honestly, I could not blame them.
In fact, I’d grow to take notice that this controlling church lady’s behavior was the same type of behavior of most narcissistic people towards me. They were consumed with my life more than they were consumed with their own lives. They wanted to have full control of me, and because I fought against their taking ownership of me, they eventually became set on taking me down. They made themselves my enemies from the start simply because I wanted to lead my own life apart from them. They couldn’t stand me, and their hatred of me grew ever more intense when I refused their control, refused their energy, and refused to have them in any part of my world.
After some time, this controlling church lady no longer interacted with me in the same way. She just watched me silently from the sidelines and acted as a victim who’d been jilted by me. She actually ceased talking to me for a very long time until we ceased to exist within the realms of each other’s lives, even though we attended the same church. It was strange, but for a time, she was such a nonfactor to me that I sometimes didn’t even know she was present within the church even though she always placed herself on the front row.
Although I was still cordial to her when I encountered her, I didn’t entertain much involvement with her. I used the grey rock method without even knowing such a method existed in these terms. I just knew that if I kept conversation to a minimum and didn’t participate in chitchat, there’d be no conversation. Frankly, socializing was always a difficult task for me in large group setting because of anxiety and selective mutism. Plus, my social awkwardness always seemed to make her (and others) uncomfortable.
Nevertheless, this controlling church lady was considered to be a leader and prayer warrior within the church. For a time she disappeared adding to her mystique. Later on, it was discovered that she was battling cancer. Throughout her ordeal, I learned that she was battling this ravaging disease only with her husband by her side. Her children never visited her until her sickness became too overbearing. I suppose once relationships are estranged long enough, even an impending death is not enough to tie loose and frayed ends together.
I consider the ramifications of the above sentence in my own life now since I am estranged from my own mother. Yet, not once did this controlling church lady ever remind me of my mother in any way. Although both were comparably controlling and even manipulative, my mother never made attempts to communicate with me and teach me about life. There was never any type of conversation to be had with my mother. We never actually talked about anything. She always talked over me or at me.
Yet, the controlling church lady always had conversations with me. In fact, in the beginning, it was her charismatic gift of conversation that drew me into her. She was an amazing storyteller, and she had an eloquent way with words. She was the definition of class, and I had no doubt that she was able to sell insurance to those already insured. In many ways, I believe she attempted to treat me like the daughter from whom she was estranged from, and for a time, even though I felt motherless, I wasn’t interested in being her daughter. Her controlling nature made me wish that she’d leave me alone.
Needless to say, this controlling church lady eventually died, and I wondered had she ever reminisced over missed opportunities in her life concerning her own children and how her controlling and manipulative ways ruined those relationships. To ponder over life in that way may have meant that she would have had moments to consider her actions, repent for the damage done, and turn herself around, with at least her children.
Yet, the fact that the controlling church lady’s children didn’t come around until her final days of life might have been their own form of closure to their relationship with her. I don’t know either way. All I know is that even when relationships with others are broken, those who manipulate and control will still carry those same characteristics into other relationships. People don’t change unless there is intention to do so … unless they become self-aware of the reasons they need to change. I don’t know if that was the case with the controlling church lady, but she will be remembered for having a chapter in my life.
My Voice Unchained 