A Page Out Of My Life
Him: Food?
Me: It’s early. What do you have in mind?
Him: I want a biscuit, fries, and lemonade.
Me: Just a biscuit? Or a chicken biscuit? From where?
Him: It doesn’t matter.
I hate this type of communication because I need specifics. When a person is vague, it makes me feel lost. I’m deduced to asking what seems like unnecessary questions, even though I need to ask questions to know the specific details.
I would think that even if a person isn’t autistic as I am that specific details would still be very helpful. I’m also very literal. If I’m being told that a biscuit is what is desired, then a biscuit is what I’m going to purchase. I will not order anything different unless I’m told otherwise.
Yet, because I know the person who’s making the request, it might not be just a biscuit. So I have to ask, but what ends up happening when I ask is that the person becomes agitated that I’m actually asking for more details. What the person really wants is for me to read their mind, and I don’t do that.
I don’t like making assumptions. That’s frustrating for me to do. I’d just rather be told the specifics, but oftentimes, I’ve noted that people who’ve lived their lives in narcissistic relationships and/or environments have expectations that someone is going to absolutely read their minds and figure out what is desired based on a lack of information.
In my experience, this type of behavior never fails, and the results are always disastrous.
Me: I’d rather you just tell me what you want than me to have to figure it out.
Him: Okay. I’m doing something.
Me: What do you mean? Do you want me to get you food or what?
Him: Go. I’m busy right now.
I don’t respond. Instead, I feel myself become frustrated to the point that I feel a rush of emotions rise to my cheeks. It’s a mixture of anger and sadness. Then I wonder what I’ve done to deserve this level of communication that has me even more confused. I wonder why our communication has to be so difficult.
I wonder why I must be a mind reader. I wonder why he always forgets that I’m neurodivergent.
After waiting for my response which doesn’t come, he says, “Just never mind”.
I instantly feel anger and annoyance rise within my gut. Then the emotions I felt in my cheeks give way to a rise of tears within my eyes. But tears do not fall. They don’t even cast a glimmer over my pupils. They are held back instead as if to wait for release.
“Just never mind” sets me off. It makes me furious. When I unleash my thoughts, I don’t hold back. I don’t realize the magnitude of my anger. I’m calm but lose my cool at the same time.
Me: So you don’t want me to go? You’re mad now? You should know I need specific information. I don’t know what the problem is but I’m never mean to you for you to treat me like I don’t matter. But JUST NEVER MIND! Not cool, and you know it. Get it together.
I don’t realize how angry I am until I’ve said what I’ve said and how I felt when I said it, but I don’t take it back. I needed to say it. I’m annoyed that I even had to say it. He wasn’t specific and he knew it. He was vague with his communication altogether. I sensed that he was dealing with his own frustration, but I wasn’t going to allow him a pass with his behavior towards me.
On too many occasions, I just choose to remain silent. I say nothing. I wait for him to respond back to me. Usually my lack of response causes him to question if I’m going to do what needs to be done, but when I respond out of frustration and just cut to the chase about the lack of actual communication I need because I don’t understand, then he responds back with some form of what I perceive to be gaslighting or an apology that acknowledges his wrong.
I’m learning, however, that with victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse, communication is not always clear between each other. Everyone is learning how to flow and adjust, and it is not easy at all. It can actually be quite frustrating, to say the least. Depending on what one survivor has dealt with in terms of narcissistic abuse and where both are in terms of their healing journey, communication can be quite a challenge.
In many ways, I expected him to know me and my communication style. I always ask questions for clarity. For some people, this can be absolutely frustrating because of the expectation for me to just know. However, I don’t know which is why I always make a point of asking. When explanations are too vague, I become anxious and that anxiety can increase into panic. Something as simple as not having a complete list regarding a request has the ability to cause me great anxiety because I am left to figure out what a person means when they simply could have told me from the start.
When I later explained this to my friend from my stand point, he had a better view of what I meant. For a while, he thought my standing my ground on a point meant that I was angry with him. I wasn’t, but I would become frustrated and upset believing he was angry with me. Sometimes I have to stop and think about the situation and what else may be happening because he still lives around and communicates regularly with his narcississtic family.
I think in survivor/survivor relationships, there is a lot to get through and get over as both parties heal. They are not only having to wield through their own issues, but there are a host of generational issues too. I often take this into account because often our communication gets crossed up within things that have nothing to do with either one of us individually and more to do with the effects of narcissistic abuse against us.
This isn’t an excuse or a way to condone either of our sometimes narcissistic behaviors. This is just what is and what’s real. I’m glad that we’ve decided to stick through it and work through it together even though there are days that both of us would like to throw in the towel and give up. Yet, when we go through something like this, we both take time to calm down and think things over.
We both try to see each other’s point of view in the matter. Sometimes we are wrong in how we reacted to each other. We deal with it and move on. We never hold grudges. We try to keep the airways of our communication clear, and when we are often not sure about how one another feels, we ask. We talk. We apologize. We forgive. We remember so that we don’t repeat. We move on.
We discuss our anger. It’s always there. Anger is a huge part of the relationships I’ve encountered after leaving narcissistic relationships and attempting to forge new ones. There’s residual anger left over from those toxic relationships, and that anger must not carry over into the new one. Often, however, because of our own fears, insecurities, and unhealed hurts, that anger from the past moves right along into our present, and we must navigate through it.
As it is, however, communication difficulties within the future might be an expectation when dealing with the effects of narcissistic abuse. Dealing with these issues requires a lot of patience, empathy, and straightforward communication. Working through the issues is pertinent if a healthy relationship between two survivors of narcissistic abuse is to be maintained for the future. It’s tough, but it can also be worth it. The decision remains, however, not to give up when the going gets tough.
My Voice Unchained 