Part 2
The Glare of Jealousy or Something Else?
Oddly, I noticed a glare in the eyes of one of my coworkers who is a part of the mobbing group I call the mobsters, and it was a glare that I’d become all too familiar with in the past with other narcissistic types. That glare was a smirk of condescension against me, and it finally confirmed what I always believed about a person I felt was attempting to belittle me with an air of dismissals.
The smirk wouldn’t make sense to anyone else but me because it was only meant for me. I could see it, but nobody else could, and that’s the point of those narcissistic smirks. Those smirks are only meant for the one being smirked at so that the smirker can’t be disproved because no one else can see the smirk. In fact, I’d be hard pressed to prove that a smirk had even occurred because the smirker would only gaslight me into believing I didn’t see a thing.
Needless to say, that smirk was the start of something that became worse later, but I went about doing my job as I normally would and tried to ignore the catty behavior of the mobsters. Two team leads even told me not to worry – that the job assignment that I was given was going to change and that I would be back to what I was supposed to do before long. Yet, even the team leads weren’t prepared for what was about to happen.
When Mobsters Play Dirty
Later on, when I tried putting away items that needed to be stocked, the mobsters must have already had a discussion behind my back about the games they were going to play against me. It was really strange. I didn’t perceive there were any issues for a long time among the mobsters and me. In fact, I thought their games were done because they were seemingly on good terms with me, but I was wrong.
When I tried putting away the items for stocking, the mobsters had decided to place obstacles in my way which kept me from completing my task. Then they also became obstacles themselves. by moving items around right as I tried to work. It was as if as soon as I showed up to do my tasks, they stopped what they were already doing to do something else to get into the same space with me.
At first, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, but I knew what was happening. There was no ignoring it. The actions of the mobsters had the intent of making me seem crazy because they were stonewalling me while talking to each other. There was the air of pretension, and inside of myself, I could feel a well of fatigue within me rise up. I was tired of these games even though they had seem nonexistent for a time. A flare up of games only meant that nothing had changed with them.
I wasn’t sure what was up, and although I tried to gather what had gone wrong, nothing would suffice. The mobsters didn’t pose these same obstacles for anyone else on the team who came to stock. However, I realized that since I had been reassigned to do a different task, the mobsters were unable to do the task that I normally did as quickly because I wasn’t there to help them. Although each of the mobsters often tried to take over and be the leads when I was around, I had the habit of being a lot more organized and systematic than them. On my days off, they always complained that everything was always a mess.
So on this day, when I came to stock, they had everything in a mess and no one could easily pass through the area. If I had been assigned to my normal tasks, I would have already cleared the area by a certain time frame. I was not only an efficient and organized worker, I was also a fast worker. The mobsters had created a mess and made obstacles that kept me from stocking. This failure to regard even my very presence caused me great frustration to the point I could feel my temperature rise.
If anything, I always tried to work in a manner so as not to cause anyone else a hindrance. I always made sure there was space for someone else to be able to easily work. I would organize the setting ahead of time. Yet, the mobsters hadn’t done the same where I was concerned, and when I thought about it, they didn’t do the same for others who needed to stock either.
For the most part, I couldn’t successfully complete my new tasks because the mobsters were unable to successfully complete theirs. Yet, they were attempting to do more than one job at the same time, and they were creating more of a mess than there needed to be. In fact, there was no reason for them to be in the same space with me at all.
The mobsters could have waited, but instead, as soon as they saw me moving items towards the back area, they immediately stopped their current tasks and pretended they needed to be in the same space with me. Since I saw it happening in real time, I knew their true intent, but I remained silent and just watched it all play out. However, I had to fight hiding my frustration. I really wanted to lash out.
Instead of falling prey to the urge to lash out, I decided to take a break. Since the mobsters seemed intent on creating obstacles to block me from doing my job, I felt it didn’t make sense for me to remain in the space if I couldn’t effectively work. Even though they saw me in the space first, they still stopped what they were doing to wreak their havoc. Internally, I had reached my own plot twist within this story of working within a toxic environment. I realized I didn’t want to be a part of the crazymaking behaviors anymore.
At that point, I announced within the mobster’s hearing, “I guess this is my cue to take a break”, although what I really wanted to say was something nasty and mean about their behaviors. Without listening for their response to my comment, I felt so heated that I turned and walked away. I tried not to show any emotion, but I did take a deep breath within myself. I was simply sick and tired of the toxic behaviors. For that moment in time, I wanted to lash out and be toxic too.
Yet, it was during my break that my intrusive thoughts broke in with the facial appearance of a former supervisor from my previous career with whom I’d run into a year ago who’d told me I was wasting my talents on menial jobs since my resignation from the profession. In actuality, I’d been seeing their face for several days prior and began to really pondered over what they’d said … that I could come to work with her anytime … that she’d love to have me … to see me thriving in my gift. It turns out that they may have been the catalyst I needed for a jump start to a new direction.
So, during my break time, I emailed that former supervisor and told them I was ready to return back to certain aspects of my former career. At that moment I was setting the wheels in motion for a chance to turn my working life in a different direction. It was seemingly a spur of the moment situation built upon the timing of certain chaotic events within a narcissistic work environment. There seemed to be no thought process within that short time frame. It was as if things had perfectly aligned themselves within those moments to happen.
When I returned from my break, I figured that I might have been a bit rash in my decision until I found that my work equipment had been tampered with. The tampering of the equipment was not easily recognizable at first, but the atmosphere around me felt different. I knew that something was off … that someone had been in the space that I’d occupied with the equipment.
On closer inspection, a printer that I had been using had it’s tape removed, but I didn’t notice this until I tried to reuse the machine. When I made mention out loud to myself that a brand new roll of tape had been removed from the printer I was using, the listening mobsters actually behaved as if they didn’t hear me. They were silent, but I could tell that they were listening and looking on using peripheral vision.
In fact, all of the materials I had been preparing to stock before the mobsters had created obstacles in the area prior to my break had been noticeably rearranged, and it was then that I realized what was happening. The mobsters were gaslighting me and making a game out of it, but I was not about to allow them to make me crazy. I grew silent instead of reacting, finished stocking the area and left to go complete the rest of my tasks. I didn’t mention anything else until I returned to pick up a roll of tape that had been taken from the printer I was using.
On my round to continuing tasks, I had to think a few things over. I realized that the mobsters wanted me to react because I often spoke out about things all the time but in ways that I talked to myself. I’m not sure that they caught on that it’s an autistic thing that I do, but it’s enough that it became noticeable enough to a mobster member that they commented on it once before. They’d mentioned that I needed to relax, that things would be okay, but if anyone else ruminated, they’d be quick to console that person … just never me.
Needless to say, I believe they hoped that I would react and make accusations, but I did not because I realized that anyone could have removed the tape from the equipment even though the mobsters were the only ones in the area. It would have been hard to point the finger when I’m not sure who’s involved, especially since I was on my break. Yet, at the same time, I am well aware of who is a part of the mobbing group. I wouldn’t have to point fingers very far.
Needless to say, I proceeded to work, but in my mind I knew I was done with all this. I had made up my mind, and it couldn’t be changed. I didn’t want to work with these kinds of people anymore. I no longer wanted to be targeted by the mob, and based on the additional people becoming initiated within the group, the mob was growing stronger and bigger.
I Came To A Final Decision
Fortunately, I had a lot of time to think while working. Although the team leads present on this particular day wanted me to help the mobsters finish their tasks, almost the entire corporation was experiencing a downtime. There was literally no work except for in the area where the mobsters were completing tasks. So most of the other coworkers on the job were being sent around the building to assist others.
Instead of forcing me to help an already established team, the team leads told me to take some time to rest and do leisure work. Their reasoning was that I’m always working so hard, and I deserved a break. I agreed, and unbeknown to them, I took that leisure time to draft up a resignation letter within my mind as I walked around completing leisure tasks here and there.
Since I didn’t want to be rash about resigning my position, I thought things over some more during my lunch break. My mind had been made up though. I was done. I wasn’t going to do this job anymore. I wasn’t going to put up with the inconsistencies, the subtle bullying from narcissistic coworkers, or the maligning behavior from some of the toxic managers and coaches. There’s no amount of money that I need that badly to make me stay in a situation that is not ever going to really improve. I’ve had more than enough time to see improvement, and things were no better.
After lunch was about over, I went to the hiring manager (a woman who reminds me of my narcissist mother because she behaves in similar ways) and verbally gave her my two week notice. To say the hiring manager was stunned was an understatement. She literally took a gulp of air as a look of disapproval and disappointment set in on her face. It was the type of look that showed a mixture of shock and displeasure at the same time. For a narcissist or narcissistic type, the threat of a someone taking supply away from them is mortifying. I’m sure she’s recover though as she spent the day hiring new people.
Although I owe no explanations for my reasons to leave, this hiring manager asked me anyway. I think it was more out of her own bewilderment by my announcement more than anything else, unless she wanted to be sure she hadn’t been a reason. I simply said I was going back to school (which has been more of a contemplation).
The hiring manager seemed as if she expected more of a reason for my decision to leave that I simply didn’t give, and when her initial shock wore off, she turned away from me and stated in a stern voice that she wanted my resignation in writing. Knowing that I had a day off the following day, my first assumption was that she thought I might forget or change my mind about resigning. I don’t know why, but sensed instantly that she hoped that I’d stay.
Although in some work places a verbal resignation can stand, any many work places it is more professional to have a resignation in writing. This corporation hires and fires employees at-will. Some employees have quit on the spot or simply not shown up for work anymore without notice. I don’t wish to severe any relationship that way even though sometimes I know there’s no way around this. This work environment was entirely too toxic. So, I see it as my common courtesy not to walk away at-will and do the proper thing and give notice.
The hiring manager was even more stunned that I had a written notice ready inside of a sealed envelope which I quickly produced from my uniform jacket to give to her. I had spent time during my lunch break writing one to make my ending a professional one. My decision was final and matter of fact. There was no way I was not leaving exactly two weeks from the date of my decision. I was done. It was time to severe this toxic work relationship. In fact, it had been long overdue.
I requested to the hiring manager that this notice stay confidential, and she vowed to keep the secret just between the two of us. Knowing her track record of gossiping to others about employees, I was hard pressed to believe she could keep the secret. No sooner than I’d left her office though, I was certain it would be a matter of time before her gossip about my resignation would circle back to me.
All I needed to do was wait for the leader of the mobsters to come to me with questions, a strange look shrouded by the silent treatment, or hushed conversations if I walked up. I didn’t care, but I vowed to myself document the occurrence if she did say a word. That documentation would join the host of other workplace grievances I’ve endured since being hired there. It would only be one more issue that would signify what I already knew about the place. It’s so toxic.
Freedom From Toxicity
Nonetheless, once I left the hiring manager’s office, I felt free. I felt I had finally let go. I was letting go of what was never to be and what hadn’t been for me while I’d been at this particular workplace. Although I grew to know some amazing people, I so grew to know some people I don’t want to ever have to experience in this life again. Those were the types of people to make working in this place more difficult than it truly needed to be, and that’s sad. Despite realizing that these people aren’t happy with themselves, they made many of my days unbearably difficult to want to complete.
It’s hard to have peace in a toxic environment. It’s hard to have rest. Essentially, this job was literally working me to an early death. I felt that age alone had crept up on me, and I had aged physically in ways that I hadn’t expected. Aside from aging physically, I felt that I was more prone to accidents within this workplace, and I didn’t want to suffer anymore injuries. In fact, I’d suffered all sorts of foot problems, had fallen several times, had bruises all over my body that I couldn’t explain. I gather that most of my bruises had most likely occurred from lifting heavy objects. I had also injured my ankle very badly and had also suffered a broken toe.
Aside from all the injuries, I still worked hard. I gave the job my all and only found myself pulling back when I realized I was rewarded for my good efforts with a lot more work. Meanwhile, the coworkers who were lazy in more ways than one were all rewarded with more time to be lazy (it seemed), and they were never held accountable for anything they did wrong or off the cuff. Instead, those coworkers who worked the hardest were always questioned as to why things were not completed on time when all the work required everyone to collaboratively be on board giving 100%.
Additionally, I no longer wanted to go home from work too exhausted to do the things I desired to do outside of sleeping. I was suffering in more ways than one, and if I wanted to pursue finishing my schooling, I’d be too tired to complete any activities. Something had to give besides me doing all the giving. Since I’d given so much of myself and wasn’t getting anything more than a paycheck, while seemingly taking my health down in the process, I thought it was better for me to find something else more compatible with my health and lifestyle.
The interesting thing is that my job assignment at this particular workplace was far too easy only to be made difficult for no seemingly no reason. The only thing I could conclude as a reason for this is that there is an overall lack of true management and guidance within this particular workplace. There’s not even true organization. The place itself is a mess, and no one seems to care. The actual people in leadership are never around too much to truly see what goes on in the first place, and when they are, they seemingly browbeat everyone down into submission.
At one point, I was presented with a position to be a team lead in a work area that I was only vaguely familiar with as it pertained to tasks. The particular manager who gave me the offer thought my organizational skills were astounding, but I eventually turned down the offer because of the way this manager explained the job’s description. In essence, there was no explanation that I could understand, and from observation, it just appeared to me that everyone does what they are told to do even if the people telling them don’t know what they are doing either.
Things are done within this workplace as they always have been, and that’s likely always going to be the case. When new people are hired, they are quickly inducted into the madness. Nothing really changes for the better. When new team leads, coaches, and managers come, they are more likely to play along with the way things are for the purpose of maintaining their own individual survival. So it makes sense for them to remain collective in doing things the same way even if those things feed the toxicity.
Someone different who comes along and questions the status quo will either fall in line or have a difficult time with being mobbed by bullies. Even though most of those bullies complain about the same things that someone different sees, they don’t propose any solutions. They just complain and wallow in the madness. Then that someone different will constantly battle because they are different, and not that they necessarily think differently than anyone else, they still choose to propose solutions.
So it has been with me. I’ve always chosen to propose solutions. Sometimes those solutions have been accepted because the realization has been that the job is so much easier to do. Sometimes my solutions have been highly resisted because those listening won’t be able to get credit for coming up with the ideas. Many times, however, I’ve simply chosen to take initiative and do whatever that needs to be done to make things easier even if I’m just making things easier for me. Those who observe have followed me silently, ultimately realizing that I’m no dummy.
Nevertheless, the bulk of my coworkers who love playing toxic games didn’t like my solutions and only fancied that the someone different, as myself, as only a troublemaker. I gathered that I have been perceived as a troublemaker in many aspects, but I don’t care. I’m all for working hard, but I’m not going to be dumb about it. I’m more for working smarter and being efficient. However, this line of thinking just doesn’t seem to compute overall within a toxic workplace. It’s like I’m speaking a language that’s not completely understood by my coworkers, and if they do understand me, they don’t like the fact that I’m the one saying it.
Emotional Finality
On the flip side of giving notice, I didn’t realize I’d feel so emotional about it. Once I emailed my former supervisor from my previous career about my desire to get back to aspects of my previous career, I felt a sense of relief. I had taken steps to get away from the current place of toxicity. Within moments of sending that email, that former supervisor replied back, and I knew that stepping out was essentially securing for myself a new direction for my future. I hadn’t realized, however, that I would feel so sad.
I felt sadness about walking away. After I gave the hiring manager my two weeks notice, I felt tears well up within my eyes. I had stepped out on what didn’t even feel like faith but more like a reaction. I hadn’t anticipated that I’d feel such sadness about leaving a toxic workplace. Although there was relief, there was an overall sadness that I couldn’t deny. I’d originally taken this particular job to hide. I wanted to simply settle for something easy and let that be the end of it, but once I got into the job, I realized my penchant for changing toxicity and making things better around me.
In my previous career, I could readily change things around me for the better. It was all a part of my job to do so, but within this particular work environment, all I needed to do was shop, stock and help customers. I didn’t need to do anything life-changing. Yet, it’s always been my nature to be of good cheer around others. Toxic environments can make that difficult, but I set out to do it just because that’s me.
In fact, I felt I could make life better by being my usual self. I thought I could do that by simply being myself to brighten up someone’s day. I thought it might be as simple as saying “good morning” to a lot of people who always seemed so grumpy each morning. Frankly, so many more people began to look forward to my speaking to them that they’d go out of their way to speak to me first when I’d remain silent.
I was always all about listening to others to gain glimpses of life lived within this toxic work environment from their perspective. I even listened to the mobsters too. At many points, I realized they were only mobsters because of their overall dissatisfaction with work and life. Listening also gave me insights into the overall immaturity that many of those a part of the mobbing group exhibited towards me. I understood, overall, that their toxic behaviors had very little to do with me and more to do with them.
However, at the same time, I grew tired of dealing with their toxic behaviors. I grew enormously tired of dealing with the copycat and competitive behaviors with the intentions to stay steps ahead of me when I was simply trying to do the same job as some of my competitive coworkers. I grew fatigued with the immature behaviors of adults who simply didn’t know how to be mature adults. I grew tired of working within an environment of women and men around my age who behaved as bullies to a younger generation of women and men.
Many of my coworkers behave so meanly towards other coworkers simply because they want to exhibit control. It made me continuously tired to always go behind these coworkers trying to show the same people they were mean to that I wasn’t a part of the mobbing group. I didn’t like being guilty by association. So I always kept myself away from the mobbing group activities. I didn’t purposely try to stand apart from them, but I often did stand apart. I didn’t agree with a lot of their toxic behaviors, and I often spoke out against them.
So, it behooved me to actually shed tears when I finally decided to let go. The emotional release was strong. I had to wipe away actual tears from my eyes. Even though I didn’t want to remain there, I still felt a certain amount of sadness when it came to letting go. For the most part, I think about something that two of my only friends had said to me at different times about this toxic workplace.
From one friend I heard, “I think you’re only in this place as a part of your own transition. You’re not one for remaining silent. I don’t see this place as a final workplace for you. I think you were there to realize your own value and strength after having suffered through a previously bad work environment in the past.” From the other friend, “That place was something to settle on for a little while, but I think all the events that have happened are forcing you out of there. I think you already know you’re not suppose to stay there long term. It’s just not for you even if it is easy work. I think God has allowed the situation to become difficult for you because He wants you doing something else more fitting for you.”
Whatever the case, I let go of this toxic work environment and cried in the process about doing it. The release made me think about letting go of other toxic situations and toxic people. It’s not hard but it is hard. Perhaps I cried because of the lack of knowing what the future holds. Perhaps I cried because I didn’t actually affect change in this work environment despite my attempts. Perhaps I cried because this was a place I wanted to settle upon until things became far more difficult and complex for me to handle. Or, perhaps I cried because this is a cycle of ending that only continues to repeat itself in my life.
I wasn’t even on this job a year, and when I think about it, I hadn’t anticipated even remaining a full year. I’d actually given myself a timeline of completion, and I fulfilled it. Yet, what I expected and what actually occurred weren’t necessarily for the same reasons I’d anticipated when I first began. This was only supposed to be a job to keep me from boredom, and it did just that. It met my full expectations. Although I might have been bored with the tasks, I wasn’t bored because of the atmosphere. There was always so much to analyze.
Being at this job served several purposes. For one, this job awakened my desire to return to school to finish my degree towards becoming a licensed therapist. (That is still in the making though.) Second, this job continued my study on narcissistic personalities. Third, this job awakened what I thought was dead discernment, and although it still took more long enough to walk away from toxicity, it wasn’t as long as I remained on my other job in my previous profession. Fifth, I didn’t choose to make friends, and I didn’t divulge any of my personal life under the hopes that I would make friends.
Instead, I took the time to study the toxicity of a corporate environment and learned a whole lot about how narcissism works even here. So, I’ve essentially come full circle to seeing NPD and other mental health issues play out not only within the context of corporations but also in the contexts of educational settings and churches. Basically, narcissism is everywhere, and those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder all follow similar patterns of behaviors and those suffering from narcissistic abuse also deal with similar patterns of abuse.
There’s nothing new underneath the sun, but there sure are a lot of aspects of what occurs. Letting go is the same in all situations. There’s release. There’s a sense of finality. There’s a sense of discovery. In the same way, there is change. There is growth. There is death. The death, of course, is not a physical one but more a spiritual dying to oneself. In essence, I’ve come to learn more about myself from working this job than I could have if I remained unemployed, and I count there to be purpose in even this.
Those with narcissistic personalities will never change. There is too much at stake for them to do so. Most of those stakes involve the pride in not changing, the ease of having control because they don’t change, and the toxic environments that thrive upon the lack of a will to want to change. In fact, there’s no sense of urgency to change, and there’s no repentance for a desire to change either. All there are elements that promote the continual thriving of narcissism that feed these personalities to continue as they do.
It’s like an engine that needs to be continually fed stimuli to keep going at a grand narcissistic pace. New people come in and either feed the narcissistic system or resist what’s offered them. If the new people feed the narcissistic system, they are more destined to become more like the toxicity within, and if they choose to resist what’s offered, they are more likely to suffer before they choose to eventually leave. That’s how it will always be until the system is destroyed from within. Unfortunately, though, these toxic systems tend to last because someone is always feeding them – giving them enough supply to continue to grow, but this time, I chose to let go.
My Voice Unchained 