Reflectively looking over past relationships, I’ve determined that the bulk of those narcissistic relationships involved a lot of betrayal. However, much of that betrayal occurred at my own hands against myself. Let me explain.
Each of the narcissists I have known have in varyingly and subtle ways warned me about their character. Oftentimes, I didn’t pay attention to their warnings because I was too caught up, and when I did hear their warnings clearly, I didn’t heed them because I partly didn’t believe them.
I told myself that these narcissistic personalities couldn’t have possibly intended to hurt me, cause me harm, or attempt to destroy me. Yet, that was their full intent from the start of my connections with them until the end, when I severed relational ties with them. They had warned me in so many different ways, and I had not heeded their warnings. Thus, those who warn, do not betray.
Betrayals occurred when these narcissistic personalities had future-faked lies about “we” and “us” as if they were always in the togetherness with me. There was no such thing. Yet, even in that, I should have known those promises were in vain and not what those narcissistic personalities set them up to be to me. They’d lied from the start, but some of them had still warned me in some other ways.
Now that I reflect, I’d discerned from the first meeting with a lot of narcissistic types I knew that something was off about most of them. They often seemed too good to be true – too charming, too nice, and too put on as if to be fake, like they had something to prove to me. There was also the issue of my inability to connect with them.
Now, I see my inability to form a meaningful connection with other people as a red flag because the inability of connection hinders my ability to form an actual relationship with the person. It’s hard to talk to someone with whom I cannot connect (and this is totally different than my mutism).
It’s hard to feel my way through any form of communication. Things always feel “off”, and I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells even if I don’t metaphorically hear the sound of those eggshells underneath my feet.
Perhaps that inability to form connections with others comes from my being autistic. Some might even say this should be a red flag with me. Nevertheless, if I find it hard to navigate simple communication with a person, I see this as my first indication that all is not as it seems with this person, and I need to be watchful of what tendencies this person presents. If I can’t talk to them about even the simplest of things, that person has most likely put up a wall with me intending to not engage with me on purpose.
That’s the thing with narcissistic personality types. Their intention is to not connect. In the past, I would see their actions in this way as a betrayal, but they only somewhat betrayed me with the secrets they kept from me which left me in the dark. Otherwise, they always revealed their true selves from the start. There’s never betrayal in that. They gave warnings, and it was up to me to pay attention and take heed.
“The one who warns doesn’t betray” has been such a lesson for me and one I won’t soon or ever forget.
My Voice Unchained 