It can be challenging to distinguish between a really good friend and a covert narcissist, especially since covert narcissists often display behavior that appears supportive or caring on the surface. However, there are key differences in their underlying motivations and the impact of their actions. Here’s a comparison to help you discern between the two:
**1. *Motivation Behind Actions:*
- A Really Good Friend: Acts out of genuine care and concern for your well-being. Their support is unconditional, and they do not expect anything in return for their kindness.
- Covert Narcissist: Appears supportive but has underlying self-serving motives. They may offer help or show concern, but it’s often to gain something in return, whether it be validation, control, or a favor later on.
**2. *Empathy and Emotional Support:*
- A Really Good Friend: Demonstrates true empathy, meaning they understand and share your feelings. They listen attentively, validate your emotions, and provide consistent support without making it about themselves.
- Covert Narcissist: May seem empathetic, but their empathy is often superficial. They might use your vulnerabilities to manipulate you or turn the conversation back to themselves, making it about their experiences or needs.
**3. *Consistency in Behavior:*
- A Really Good Friend: Is consistent in their behavior and support over time. They are reliable, and their actions align with their words.
- Covert Narcissist: Can be inconsistent, showing care when it benefits them and withdrawing it when it doesn’t. Their support may come with strings attached or be conditional based on your compliance with their desires.
**4. *Reactions to Your Success or Happiness:*
- A Really Good Friend: Celebrates your successes and is genuinely happy for your achievements. They don’t feel threatened by your happiness or accomplishments.
- Covert Narcissist: May subtly undermine your successes or express envy in disguised ways. They might downplay your achievements, give backhanded compliments, or shift the focus back to themselves.
**5. *Handling Conflict:*
- A Really Good Friend: Approaches conflicts with a desire to resolve issues and maintain the friendship. They are willing to listen, apologize when necessary, and work through disagreements constructively.
- Covert Narcissist: Avoids direct conflict or may use passive-aggressive tactics. They rarely take responsibility for their actions and may gaslight you, making you doubt your perceptions or feel guilty for bringing up issues.
**6. *Boundaries:*
- A Really Good Friend: Respects your boundaries and understands the importance of mutual respect in the relationship. They don’t pressure you to do things you’re uncomfortable with.
- Covert Narcissist: Often disregards boundaries, subtly manipulating you into doing things for them or making you feel guilty for asserting your needs. They may be charming or persuasive in getting their way.
**7. *Dependency and Control:*
- A Really Good Friend: Encourages your independence and growth. They want you to thrive and are happy for you to have other relationships and interests outside of the friendship.
- Covert Narcissist: Creates dependency by making you feel like you need them or that you owe them for their kindness. They may isolate you from others or subtly discourage you from pursuing interests that don’t involve them.
Conclusion:
A really good friend is supportive, empathetic, and genuinely cares about your well-being without expecting anything in return. In contrast, a covert narcissist may appear to be a good friend, but their actions are often motivated by self-interest, control, and manipulation. The key is to observe the consistency of their behavior, their reactions to your boundaries and successes, and whether their support feels unconditional or comes with hidden expectations.
My Voice Unchained 