Why is a narcissist always trying to break their relationship with you even though they are the ones who went out of their way to establish it?

Narcissists tend to engage in confusing and contradictory behaviors, and their relationship dynamics are often driven by their need for control, attention, and validation, rather than genuine connection. Here are some key reasons why a narcissist might try to break their relationship with you, even after they went out of their way to establish it:

1. Control and Power: Narcissists thrive on being in control of the relationship. By initiating the relationship and then destabilizing it, they maintain power. The act of pushing you away or creating distance allows them to dictate the emotional flow of the relationship, keeping you in a state of uncertainty and making you more likely to seek their approval.
2. Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation: Narcissists often engage in a cycle of idealizing someone when they first meet them, showering them with attention and affection, only to later devalue them. This is part of a psychological pattern where the narcissist builds someone up, gains their trust, and then breaks them down to feel superior. The initial phase of creating the relationship might have been about idealization, but once the novelty wears off, they begin to devalue the relationship.
3. Need for Narcissistic Supply: Narcissists seek validation and attention, also known as “narcissistic supply.” Once they’ve drained enough emotional energy from a person, they may discard them temporarily or permanently. This can be confusing because they seem invested in the beginning but lose interest once their needs have been met. In some cases, they may return to reestablish the relationship when they need more supply.
4. Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability: Despite their outward confidence, narcissists often fear true emotional intimacy. They may have sought out a relationship with you initially to boost their ego, but once they sense the potential for emotional closeness or vulnerability, they sabotage the relationship to avoid feeling exposed or inadequate.
5. Testing Boundaries and Emotional Reactions: Narcissists frequently push people away to test their emotional reactions. They want to see how much you care, how far they can push you, and whether you’ll come back to them. This is a way of reaffirming their control over you. If you chase after them or try to salvage the relationship, it validates their sense of power.
6. Insecurity and Fragile Self-Esteem: At their core, many narcissists have deep insecurities and fragile self-esteem. When they initially pursue a relationship, they may be seeking external validation. However, once they feel they have secured that validation, their inner insecurities resurface, and they may begin to sabotage the relationship out of fear of rejection or failure, preemptively breaking things off before they believe they will be hurt.
7. Manipulation Tactics: Breaking a relationship or threatening to leave is a classic narcissistic manipulation tactic. By creating instability, they make the other person more dependent on their approval and affection. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you off balance and gives them more control over how the relationship progresses.

Ultimately, narcissists engage in relationships primarily for their own benefit—whether for attention, control, validation, or manipulation. Their need to constantly assert dominance and superiority makes stable, healthy relationships difficult for them to maintain. By breaking off the relationship, they reaffirm their control over you, even though they were the ones to initiate it in the first place.