Since meeting Damsel in Distress, she had always been short with me and very dismissive, often giving me the silent treatment for no reason. I could just show up and her happy facial expression would turn into an immediate frown. She would often become immediately bothered because I neither bowed to her or played her games.
As an introvert and selective mute, silence is golden for me. The less talking the better. I could easily go into my safe zone for working without ever interacting with or reacting to anyone, as if neither Damsel in Distress or anyone was present. However, being in my zone only seemed to bother her as it also bothered the rest of her flying monkeys.
As far as work efforts, Damsel in Distress was the hardest working mobster in the group. I actually admired her hard work ethics. Even without me being present, she’d still work hard because she needed validation from superiors. The other mobsters couldn’t hold a candle to her work efforts. Otherwise, the rest of the mobsters were lazy, and eventually, they were unable to keep up with the hard work of Damsel in Distress, and this was very frustrating for her.
In fact, Damsel in Distress often talked about the work ethics of the other mobsters, but she’d talk about them in code. I’d immediately know who she was referring to based on characteristics of things she’d say. One of her flying monkeys was notorious for being all talk and no work. I presume that this is why team leads moved that flying monkey away from working as much in the department. Productivity would always be low when this flying monkey worked no matter the moment.
Another flying monkey was notorious for pretending to work hard while later slacking off. To keep from being removed entirely from the department, though, this flying monkey would make themselves a commodity by attempting to work just as hard as Damsel in Distress on my days off. That way, it would be presumed that she was a team player when actually, she was providing solace and company to Damsel. Needless to say, I found being around this flying monkey a lot more tolerable than being around most others because when Damsel was not around, this flying monkey actually seemed like a cool person.
Another thing that changed the dynamics of working with the mobsters were schedule changes. I think that at least two team leads had taken note that something was awry, and decided to break the mobsters apart. I was given breathing space and only had to work just one day with all the mobsters together. On other days, I worked with mainly one of each, and I took note of how their behaviors quickly changed with me for the better. They were less domineering when each one had to be alone with me – including the leading mobster, Damsel in Distress.
I used the individual days of the mobsters with me to my advantage, and as each one attempted to gain entrance into getting to know me, I strategized to learn more about them. From experience, I knew to give them superficial information about myself, which really wasn’t much information at all. Everything I told them could be google searched based on information regarding my previous profession.
Everything else about me was on lockdown – social media, personal information, etc. I never really told them anything about me at all that wasn’t surface or somewhat relatable. I didn’t even tell them such things as my favorite color, my weekend activities, my after work hobbies, or my favorite foods, etc. If they asked me how my weekend was I’d keep it short without elaboration. I’d say, “fine” and leave it at that. These shortened responses, though, are somewhat a part of my personality. I usually don’t elaborate about anything which makes it appear like I’m simply a blunt and hard to know person.
I was a keen observer and listener though, and my ability to intuit and show empathy even though the mobsters had done me dirty in many ways led to them soon spilling their life stories to me. It was then I began to learn what made them tick. In fact, I learned underlying reasons for their narcissistic behaviors in general.
In actuality, the mobsters were childish adults who were very immature in regulating their own emotions. They were miserable about many aspects of their lives, and although their bullying affected me, I realized that they had issues that were beyond me. I could take their behaviors personally, or I could see the bigger picture.
I chose to see the bigger picture. In fact, I noted that that none of their behaviors should have been taken personally because they were simply who they were even if I wasn’t present. I was just a target, and anyone they perceived to have been “different” would have been a target too.
In many ways, I chose to give all the mobsters the benefit of doubt at times because I chose to see the bigger picture regarding their behaviors. Their personal problems and problems in general were not my problems at all. Therefore, their behaviors were not ever a reflection of me. They didn’t like me. So what? They didn’t even like themselves.
The mobsters were all unhappy with certain aspects of their lives, and they complained about those aspects everyday they were at work. In fact, they complained to whomever would listen to them, which actually meant complaining to each other, complaining to other coworkers, complaining to superiors, and soon they were all complaining to me – each one individually.
Looking back, their need to talk to me was a need to talk in general. They needed empathy as much as they needed a listening ear. They needed to express themselves a whole lot, and I believe they needed to know that I wasn’t that much different than them. I showed them who I am as a person without telling them anything about myself, and this was me giving them the benefit of doubt. I chose to listen and truly hear them without letting them into my life.
Believe me, with every conversation they sounded into my ear, they tried to get an angle with me on a personal level, but I never gave in. I knew to keep my personal life personal. I’ve always separated work from my personal life, and as a result of learning previous hard life lessons about work, I no longer go to work anymore looking for friends.
In the corporate setting, I could not say that any coworker was actually my friend. Although I met a lot of kind people, everything about my interactions with them remained surface level. I went to work, did my job, and went home without any expectations of taking my work life into my personal life. Besides, in the corporate setting, all of my coworkers had only proven to be my competitors. Even with giving some of them the benefit of doubt, I still knew they would save themselves and throw me under the bus in the process. I’ve had it happen.
Needless to say, a calmness settled over me at work when I got to know each mobster on an individual level. I got to know them as people, but I never let it get past me that once a snake is always a snake even when it sheds its skin. I didn’t trust them. I didn’t trust them at all, and even when the leading mobster, a narcissist, began referring to me as her friend, I simply couldn’t buy into it. I’ve been there and done that too many times before and found the result to always be the same – disastrous for me.
I can never have friendship with a narcissist. When a narcissist calls me a friend is when I need to look out for an oncoming attack. They are always plotting against me the entire course of the perceived friendship, even when they have a smile on their face calling me “friend”. So it was with this leading mobster – Damsel in Distress. In fact, on the heels of change, right before the supervisor was sent to another workplace location, Damsel in Distress showed me her true character and the reason the benefit of doubt should never be given to her.
Stay tuned for the next part …
My Voice Unchained 