My Current Job Brings Out The Worst In Me

My current job brings out the worst in me, but maybe the worst in me has always been there. Maybe I’ve always been the way I’d been and that’s coming out at work in a way that I never paid attention to in my previous career, and maybe that’s why I couldn’t leave this job when I wanted to leave. Maybe I’m stuck at this job because I blend in so well with the toxicity.

I like to believe that God places me where I’m supposed to be, but I do make the choice to be there. If I believe it’s according to His plans for me, I remain in a place or situation even against what I’d consider own my better judgment in favor of what I believe to be obedience to His will for me. Yet, even I don’t believe God wants me to remain in a toxic situation for the sake of it. Although I believe such situations can help build my character for good, I don’t think I should have to put up with abusive behaviors from others, whether covert or overt.

Currently, I like what I do at the job. In fact, the job I’m assigned is fairly easy and doesn’t require much critical thought. It’s not a job that I would have ever seen myself doing outside of my former career, but now that I’m no longer in that career and feel as if I’m taking a break from stressful and draining situations that drove me to burnout, this job is a piece of cake comparatively. However, I just don’t like the work environment; it’s extremely toxic.

Although my previous job was just as toxic, if not more, I at least had times of great solitude where I only had to deal with toxic coworkers at specific times of the day and not every moment. With this job, however, I can’t seem to get away from toxic behaving individuals who thrive on chaos and disorder. Any break that I have away from them, I take alone to regather myself and recharge. I literally must leave the work area and go to my car or some place I can hide away from annoying coworkers. Overall, some of my current coworkers are exhausting, but then I’ve begun to realize that I’m exhausting too.

Throughout the course of this job, I’ve taken note on how irritable I’ve become. This irritation often manifests as anger too. One of the reasons for the irritation is that those who institute work policies for employees to follow don’t follow them. It’s frustrating to me because there’s no sense of accountability or order. I try to follow the rules, but in doing so, I incur the wrath of my coworkers because they don’t follow the rules. In terms of those rules, I try to place myself in the customers’ shoes. I’m not the only one who does this either. Yet, the bulk of my coworkers could care less about the customers the company serves, and it shoes in how they don’t follow policy that was designed with the customer in mind.

Then, when it’s time to face the music for breaking the rules, my coworkers get off, and I’m the one who gets shafted because the coaches and team leads will change the game. It makes what I do as an employee insufferable. Although I’m not the only one who feels this way, I often feel like I’m the only one who takes it all to heart. Others who feels this way have taken steps back and have decided to present the bare minimum when it comes to doing work. Although I could take this attitude, I actually don’t like this attitude. I simply can’t do the bare minimum. It could be my sense of justice about things or it could be the fact that I’m such a high achiever in all that I do. I simply can’t do the bare minimum, and I care about how I serve customers. It all matters to me.

When I made aim to resign from this position because of my frustrations with it all and the mobbing I was experiencing, I strongly felt God leading me to remain. As it turns out, remaining was all about the work I believe He wanted to do within me. Frankly, I’m the one who needs a lot of changing, and although I work with toxic behaving coworkers, I’ve still got the grime of toxicity within myself too. Basically, I’m a pretty headstrong person with matter-of-fact ways of doing things and a frame of mind that’s black or white with no in-between. Many of my neurodivergent qualities come through quite strongly, and most times I cannot back down from the justice of it all even when I want to do so.

With my coworkers, my attitude presumably comes off as if I’m the only one doing it the right way, when in actuality, I’m actually doing my job the way policy requires that I do it. Within this work environment, I’ve found it quite difficult to navigate as a woman on the spectrum of autism. I find that I mask my autistic characteristics everyday as a matter of survival. It’s literally war trying to simply do my job and not become involved with the corporate dysfunction. Yet, I find my anger rising to the top without me sometimes being able to control it. Before I even realize it, and to the dismay of the mobsters and other coworkers, I find that I speak out against the dysfunction on a regular basis until I have nothing left to say on the matter.

It’s interesting how my anger and frustration is an unsettling force to the mobsters. They grow quiet around me, and it appears that I’m the problem when I’m just reacting to the environment in which I’ve now become accustomed to having to face on the daily. Yet, if any one of them displays anger or frustration, everyone around should be okay with it. However, if I show any emotion, I’ve somehow failed their tests for whatever it is that they’ve decided for that day. On the flip side, though, I allow myself to express my emotions for fear I’ll lose control. Why do they get to express, but I have to hold everything within?

This is when I wonder if my emotions are just too much for others to handle and too much to deal with since they grow silent and react as if they are uncomfortable. Usually, I don’t show any emotions and am often told I’m hard to read. However, the work atmosphere is so toxic that I find that I’m frequently frustrated and pressed all the time … sometimes feeling pushed beyond my limits even. I now walk away from my work area when I feel myself wanting to have a meltdown, but when I can’t I just go mute. These meltdowns are most often induced by the mobsters’ around me. It’s as if they live to try to push my buttons via gaslighting, the silent treatment, competition, tons of projection and innuendos.

What’s more is that the work environment has become so cliquish that there’s even a dangerous feel to the environment. I constantly sense that there’s a plan of darkness going on, and I haven’t felt good about it for a while. I’m always on the lookout for the nearest exit if something sinister were to occur. However, I don’t know any actual plans and haven’t heard anyone talk about any actual plans. It’s just the darkness I feel around me that makes me very uncomfortable and unsettled. It’s not just the mobsters anymore. There are now other groups forming within the workplace that makes the place seem more like a haven for gangs.

In particular, I’ve felt caught in the middle of Damsel In Distress, a narcissist I work with, and a new leader of a clique I’ll refer to as Femme Fatale Undercover since she embodies a mystique and charisma that has seduced an entourage of male coworkers under her wings. These male coworkers do whatever she wants without her even speaking a word to them. They cater to her every silent command and work to bring a chaotic atmosphere to the rest of the work team. This dynamic has ushered in a different feel to the atmosphere that make them appear as dark as the mobsters. The only good thing is that I don’t feel singled out by them as a target.

Yet, I once mentioned to a team lead that there was no way this new clique weren’t actual enemies of progress since every time they were present to work with the group, they kept the group from reaching its completion goals. The only one on the team they’d help consistently would be Femme Fatale Undercover, and when they’d realize that the team overall wouldn’t reach their goals when a team lead was actually present to oversee their work, then they’d swoop in like heroes to “save” the day and lead the team to victory. Otherwise, they behaved more like agents of chaos and disorder.

Sometimes I’ve felt a vibe of witchcraft within the environment that has often been unsettling and disruptive for me. It was to the point that focusing on my work had become such an overwhelming task. One coworker, a flying monkey of the mobsters, frequently chants underneath her breath when she’s near me, competes with me, and does undermining things to disturb my workflow. I’ve often questioned within myself if I’m the one who’s envious of her since I’m the one who’s felt moved to reaction, have found it almost intolerable at times to be in her presence, and have been relieved and at peace when she’s not around.

As a matter of fact, I’ve found this particular flying monkey’s presence to be less tolerable than any other annoying coworker, and sometimes feel bad that I wish she’d simply find another job or be moved from the department. I figure there must be something wrong with me to feel this way, and although I’ve made attempts to try to understand what it is about this particular flying monkey that triggers me, I’ve also realized that I’ve felt this same way about another one of Damsel’s flying monkeys too. In fact, I feel more at peace when neither Damsel or her flying monkeys are around at all because those are the only times I can work in total peace.

As for Femme Fatale Undercover, three of the male members of her group always sing and talk at the top of their lungs, and even play music loudly from their cell phones. According to work policy, the work zone is to be noise free for safety purposes, but the only time anything is said to them is when the manager is around to see what’s going on. Otherwise, they do things that frequently get under my skin, and perhaps under the skin of others as well. Their singing is so loud that it seems to induce confusion within the atmosphere, and I find myself not being able to adequately focus on my work tasks. It’s as if their main purpose is to create distractions to slow down the team’s progress. In fact, they do this quite well by keeping Femme from doing her work, and when she’s not doing her work, she’s literally slowing down the team’s progress.

Once a great and dedicated worker, now Femme has become the opposite and seems to do the bare minimum and only really shows effort when team leads are around as if she, along with her male cohorts, are the heroes of the day. However, upon closer observation, I’ve realized that I didn’t need to take her behaviors as a direct insult to me and my efforts. I think it’s just the way it’s become for her and others within this toxic work environment. At some point, everyone grows tired of the toxicity and finds ways to deal with it on their own. Toxicity often pushes even the best workers to perform at the bare minimum.

As for me, I haven’t fared too well within this work environment. I’ve felt like I’ve become an ornery older woman with a problem, and I don’t like myself nor am I happy about the way I feel that I’m becoming. I feel as toxic in behavior as the rest of what I see, and I want to escape. Perhaps, it’s the reason why I felt compelled to stay. Maybe God needed me to see that I’m not that much different. Perhaps I needed to be a part of this environment to see that I need my own overhaul in a change of attitude and character.

As much as I attempt to stay out of drama, the drama actually surrounds me. As much as I try to not take sides among and between the factions of groups, there’s a force wanting me to take sides. However, when I do speak out, I speak for what I believe is right even if no one wants to hear what I have to say. Yet, lately, my frustrations have become insurmountable to the point that I speak forth without caring about repercussions. I’m not mean or disrespectful with what I say. I’m simply matter of fact and blunt. Often, my bluntness gets mistaken for rudeness when being rude is never my intent.

I simply have found this workplace intolerable on so many levels, and I hate that I must constantly deal with sabotaging behaviors coming at me from others. There’s so much negativity, and it seems to be drowning out all the good that can be achieved there. Even if I just want to go to work to do my job, instigators just won’t let that be. There’s always something. ALWAYS! So to save myself, I look for ways to care for myself by taking moments of silence away from the work area and team and keeping myself from becoming too friendly with any one coworker. I’ve already figured out that friendliness equates to being thrown under the bus because anything I’ve ever said is always going to be held and used against me.

Basically, I feel trapped in a toxic and disorganized work environment, which has been affecting my mood, energy, and overall well-being. Although it’s natural for this kind of stress to take a toll, recognizing the changes in myself has been important toward attempting to reclaim my peace and agency. Until I actually have another job, I’ll continue to focus on self-care by prioritizing my rest to help counterbalance the negative energy at work.

I’ll also continue to set boundaries by limiting my emotional investment in toxic coworkers. Practicing detachment by focusing solely on my work tasks has helped me to minimize unnecessary interactions when possible. If anything, this craziness within the work environment has all motivated me to realize that there are better things I could be doing with my work time by attempting to transition into better work environment.

In fact, I’ve been forced to reconsider my needs and workplace preferences, thereby increasing my overall exit plan. I must admit that exiting has taken me longer than I’ve desired, but I have been consistently applying to roles that align with my strengths and values. I’ve even tailored my resume and applications to highlight my organizational skills and ability to thrive in a variety of environments (although I desire structure).

Through it all, I’ve built resiliency, but at some point, I’m just simply going to have my fill of it all and walk away. Even though I know the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere, I can find a better balance when it comes to a job. For the time being, I will say, I’ve gained quite the experience in dealing with narcissistic individuals within a corporate setting. Although I wouldn’t say I’m a professional, I’m definitely not an amateur. I’d even go as far as to say, that this situation will never define me as long as I take small steps daily to lead to meaningful change. I also know that even though it often feels one way, I’m not alone in this struggle to seek something better and necessary for my well-being.