Pushing Through

I’m no longer sure of the direction of this blog. I intended for it to be a way to talk about narcissistic abuse and all that I’ve learned about being around narcissists. I wanted to be able to share my struggles and triumphs and showcase all that I’ve learned as a result. Yet, I find that I’m ever learning, ever growing, and ever realizing that there is so much to continue to uncover in terms of narcissistic abuse and all things narcissists.

Sometimes I grow weary of blogging about this topic. In a nutshell, narcissists are draining to be around, and walking out the effects of narcissistic abuse are an ongoing struggle of bumps, hills, open valleys, and hell fire. There are more times that I struggle to cope and find peace through it all, and I question the worth of it all as well. I wonder if I’m still healing, and there are times I wonder if I’ve healed really at all. I also wonder what more I can learn when it seems like I’m just repeating being around the same narcissistic types of individuals in different human forms.

There are times when I have nothing but blog content to give about my experiences, but then there are times when I hit a complete writing block. I’m not blocked because I don’t have any more experiences to tell, I’m blocked because I grow exasperated from having to tell it. Sometimes I don’t want to write about my struggles because it’s exhausting, and other times I don’t want to write about those struggles because there is so much to unpack. Many times I feel like it’s more of a challenge because my words may paint the picture of the narcissists I’ve known being the bad guys and me being the saint when being a saint is far from what I intend to express.

There are also those times when I think about how painting the picture of a person suffering from an actual personality disorder places them at the disadvantage of being painted as an evil person. I want to clarify that I don’t believe everyone suffering from a personality disorder – specifically narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) – are evil. However, my experiences with the people I’ve known suffering from NPD has clearly shown me that the evil within them does and did exist. Of course, evil can exist with anyone, and there are varying degrees of it. Yet, my experiences with actual narcissists has had long-lasting and debilitating effects upon my life, and the impact that I’ve felt has been because of the evil they perpetuated and inflicted against me.

Needless to say, I’m always pushing through. I didn’t think that writing this blog would be incredibly easy, but I also didn’t foresee that I’d be dealing with such difficult times to where I actually needed to push through to write even one blog post either. Specifically, I think about those times that I had to write what felt like hundreds of essays in graduate school, and there’d be those times I didn’t know how nor where to begin. Yet, once I found my groove, I was able to write profusely, but once that groove met a stumbling block, I had to push my way through to the completed product.

So it is with each blog post … Some posts come easier to me than others. In fact, I still have posts that I’ve written since I began this blog that are waiting to be published because I cannot find the umpth within me to finish them. Some topics have just been too emotionally difficult to finish and others leave me at a place of incompleteness. That incompleteness often means there’s something I still need to come to terms with, and I just cannot complete them for so many various reasons. Nevertheless, I still make attempts to push through with as much as I can, even when many of my posts might go unread.

It’s no longer about who reads them anymore, but more so that I publish them because they are read when they are read. Just as long as what I’ve written reaches the person or people these blogs are intended to reach, my purpose for this blog is not in vain. I want to be able to effect someone’s life in a way that they know they are not alone in their struggles in dealing with someone and/or in loving someone who is a narcissist. I want readers to see that I’ve had a lot to learn, and the healing process is ongoing. I want readers to understand that the abuse itself, although feels isolating and invisible, is real pain and has devastating effects that can take a long time from which to recover.

I’ll keep pushing through. I’ll keep pushing through. Perhaps this is a current place of writing fatigue. After all, writing about narcissists, for me, has often been so psychologically draining that I’ve had to often take steps and days back from this blog to focus on other things in my life. Yet, when I’m also in the throes of still dealing with narcissistic behaviors of narcissistic individuals, focusing on writing becomes that much more difficult. It’s taxing, to say the least.

I know that this fatiguing state of mind and body will pass, and I continue to keep pushing through.