Everyday feels like some sort of test in terms of the workplace. It’s annoying to think that I can’t just go to work, but I also have to be tested just to be there. When I speak of being tested, I mean being tried and greatly annoyed by immature behaving coworkers. Although I can imagine that I may test my coworkers in a way too, I do very little talking, and aside from my finicky quirks that probably cause my coworkers to question my behaviors, I always try to mind my business at all times.
Yet, if I’m questioned about anything, I’ll honestly share my thoughts and opinions, and since I’m more often blunt and don’t sugarcoat things in a way that my coworkers like to hear, they don’t really talk to me much, if it’s not absolutely necessary. It’s okay, though. I don’t really like talking while I work anyway. I actually like doing the job I was hired to do, and for the most part, I do that job fairly well and efficiently, but on the daily, I’m always tested in some way as if that’s someone’s main agenda.
For the most part, my days of peace at work are few and far, and when I do have days of peace, I savor them. I relish in the moments where I am literally left alone to work and don’t have to worry about frivolity regarding someone else’s life and choices. I strongly wish that some of the coworkers I have to be around would leave the drama of their lives outside of the workplace, but I’m finding this not to be their way of doing things.
Although I do understand that people deal with heavy life issues because life happens, I wish that work was not one of those places they’d choose to dump and project their stuff onto others, particularly me. It can make doing my job that much more difficult since their projections of issues always feels as if they are turning against me.
As much as I try not to internalize the problems of others, those problems actually fuel me into wondering why I’m the one under a microscope of their pressures. I have problems of my own as well. Not only is the last thing I want to focus on is my problems while working, but I also don’t want to focus on the problems of others as well. I am empathetic to a certain degree, but I have learned from experience that narcissistic individuals will often project their issues onto others in an effort to manipulate and control them as well as not take accountability for having to deal with them.
After so many experiences with narcissistic types and narcissistic abuse, I’ve learned to contain my empathy and discern projection as a manipulative ploy to control me. I’ve learned to observe and discern first before actually feeling sorry for problems that narcissistic types most often create themselves. Within a work setting, I’ve learned no longer to become involved in the lives of coworkers. Their problems are not my problems. If a simple prayer isn’t going to suffice for them, then neither can I suffice to help them. Yet, some of the current coworkers still love testing me.
Gossip About Me
I had recently learned that some coworkers I call the mobsters had been having conversations about me behind my back. A coworker, who often covers for others when they are absent or assists the team when the workload is heavy, told me this one day when discussing their frustrations about the way of things at work. According to the mobsters, I’m weird, moody and won’t interact with them much. They think I always seem angry and won’t share my assigned tasks with them.
To my defense, however, this coworker told them that they believed me to be all about the work, all about doing it the right way, and all about getting the credit I deserve for actually doing my assigned tasks. Although I don’t see this coworker as a “friend”, I have found comradery with them as it pertains to the similarities in our work ethics, ideas about fairness, and our shared qualities of justice. In fact, it was nice to know that I’m not perceived as the “enemy” by everyone at work and that this coworker is not a part of the mobster group.
As I thought about the perception the mobsters had of me, I surmised that my “weirdness” obviously comes from my seeming inability to ask about their lives outside of the workplace since their personal lives is all they talk about at work, outside of gossiping about the personal lives of other coworkers. I also gathered that my perceived “moodiness” obviously comes from the fact that I simply don’t make small talk because it’s just not my thing.
Plus, I don’t care what coworkers do outside of work. I’m not at all invested within their lives because they are not my friends. I want to mind my business – not theirs. I literally don’t want to get to know them in such intimate and personal ways or vice versa only for the details of my life to become public fodder. I only want to know how to work with them on the basis of collaborating on work tasks, and that’s it.
Yet, I can’t help but know about the personal details of these coworkers’ lives because that’s all they talk about when we’re working. It’s all I hear outside of gossip about others. I can only turn their noise off when I choose to hyperfocus on my work to the point that I tune their conversations out so I can no longer hear them. That’s when I turn on my own voice and think about the complexities within my own life instead. Or, if I can’t easily tune them out, I focus on what characteristics about my coworkers makes them tick in their efforts to test me.
What I find is that they all seem to have one thing in common. They act is if they are fueled by some trait that I have, and I don’t even know specifically what that trait is for them. I just know that they all seem to behave insecurely around me, often turning up their attitudes and conversations around me as if they have something to prove. It’s annoying, to say the least, because I simply want to do the job I’m assigned to do in peace.
Always Seeking To Undermine Me
If the mobsters aren’t setting up some obstacle that prevents me from being able to start my assignments, they are frequently attempting to “assist” me with my assigned tasks even when they know I don’t require help or even ask for help. They just always seem to do things to give themselves the upper hand over me and to keep me from advancing.
What’s even more frustrating is that I’ve given up on seeking support from team leads or coaches in this matter because, despite the fact that I know some of the team leads are aware of the team dynamics, they do nothing about making anyone accountable for bad behavior. They only come to the aid of associates when issues become a problem for them.
If there’s any test to pass, I have no doubts I can pass them, but I most often feel that such tests are created for me to fail. The mobsters don’t like anyone having success but them, and although I’m a team player in doing my part, they only want me to have limited success but only if that success helps the team overall. It’s discouraging because I am a proponent of celebrating everyone and ensuring not standing in anyone’s well-deserved spotlight, but I can’t win for always losing within this toxic work environment.
Each day, I pray before the start of the day, and each day I end the day asking God for a release. This cannot be all I’ll get out of the working dynamic. It’s just not the route I want to take, and although I believe God leads and guides the direction of my life, the road I take is still ultimately my choice. If I take a detour, it doesn’t mean I won’t ever make it back to the right path. It just means the road I’ve taken will cause delays. I could be wrong, and I could be making an excuse to run away, but I’m tired of being tested beyond my capacity to want to deal.
These particular coworkers earned the title “mobsters” because they are bullies and cantankerous people who seem to love hating on others and making their work experiences miserable ones. The mobsters are the reasons that so many coworkers would rather not engage with the team or assist with team duties overall. These mobsters are actually miserable with their own dramatic lives and seem to like nothing better than talking about their drama as well as inflicting spikes of drama into the workplace by creating imaginary and real eggshells for everyone else to walk upon.
Also, despite my frustrations with the toxic work environment and the lack of overall efficiency on the team, I’m usually never in a bad mood. It’s just that my overall quietness gets treated by the mobsters as if I’m in a bad mood. The mobsters behave as if my silence is a menacing culprit to their overall job satisfaction despite the fact that even managers, coaches, team leads, and other coworkers prefer a less talkative working environment overall.
In addition, I’m always having to fight against the projections of the mobsters’ own bad moods. As a whole group, the mobsters literally change the working atmosphere when they are around, and their overall vibes are so negative and toxic. I’d much rather work with them on an individual basis as opposed to when they are all scheduled to work together. Yet, even individually, I feel tested by their projected behaviors. The testing is just worse when they are together.
Strategically Shifting My Gears
As of recent, I’ve pulled back on my work participation with the team, and I’m not the only one either. I’d taken note that a coworker who leads a group of males which created a faction within the team also pulled back from participating as much, thereby leading them to slacken up on their participation too. Although I originally saw this and flinched because it meant more work, I now see the benefits and understand the logic.
For the most part, pulling myself away has prolonged the amount of time I’m away from the mobsters even though they still compete to outdo me. In fact, my lack of participation has increased their need to brag about their efforts regarding just how much work they accomplish. The way I see it, their intense need to place obstacles in my path has only intensified my need to be away from them. I will still perform my tasks either way.
Although I still give my all in terms of effort behind the scenes, I seemingly give less of my all in terms of team participation. I see no sense in working myself to the point of continuously being tested for my efforts by a group of bullies who only want to see me fail. Besides, I already know I’m a valuable asset to the team because the team almost always meets its goals when I’m present. Even though I’ve pulled back, it’s not been enough that team leads worry that the teams’ tasks will be incomplete.
To obtain the peace I desire to have on the job, I’ve had to learn to be strategic, but at some point, all the testing is going to cause me to seek out other avenues of work. Nothing should be this toxic. Tests are either passed or failed, and when one is on a job where failing seems to be the only option the majority of coworkers on a team want to see as my results, it’s time for me to begin seeking employment elsewhere because even the small amounts of peace I attain within this workplace won’t be enough to sustain me there.
Stay tuned for more …
My Voice Unchained 