My body hurts all the time. Although I suffer from fibromyalgia, there’s pain that I don’t often feel is associated with this type of pain, but then again, I don’t always know for sure.
Currently, I work a demanding job. I’m on my feet all day standing on concrete. It reminds me of the times I somewhat stood up all day on a previous job, but now it’s worse. I also bend a lot and lift heavy objects, and this has taken its toll on my body.
I’m a mature adult, outside of saying old, and as I’ve matured mentally, I’ve also matured physically. My body can no longer do what it once did, and that, of course, is a significant sign of aging. There are new aches everyday. Some aches are hard to even explain, and the stiffness I feel is not that normal stiffness I’m accustomed to with fibromyalgia pain. This stiffness is different.
When I return home from work, I sit in my car a good 5 to 10 minutes before exiting because I cannot move right away. Once I do get out, I feel like my body is contorted into a smaller version of who I am. I feel bent over, and my lower back carries an extreme weight that I cannot describe. The pull within me reminds me of when I took my first steps after an abdominal surgery. It often feels as if gravity has pushed the weight of who I am all the way past my knees, and I literally cannot carry myself.
Once upon a time, I’d sit in my car to decompress after a day of work in a previous career, but now I decompress and attempt to get my body in a position to begin the second half of my life … the life I have after the workday has ended. That second half consists of recovering from the first half since the first half takes so much out of me.
In my previous career, I’d often return home and literally sit in silence for approximately 30 minutes to an hour and just stare, without really thinking about anything. Sometimes, images of my day would flash through my mind as I attempted to decompress and process the happenings of my day. Whatever stayed with me emotionally might either send me into deep thought or over the edge.
Even now, I still do this activity, but it’s a lot different. Instead of sitting in silence, I go straight to bed to take a nap. My body is physically fatigued from the stress of standing, bending, lifting, and being around people. I actually set an alarm for a nap in three phases: 90 minutes, 120 minutes, and 180 minutes. Since a sleep cycle is 90 minutes, I’ll sleep for as long as my body will allow within 180 minutes. Most often, my body rejuvenates around 120 minutes or less, but if I’m really drained, I’ll sleep past 180 minutes and will still desire more sleep when I actually go to bed later in the night.
Despite all the sleep I attempt to get, my body still feels pain. I wish it were more my imagination than just the physical, but the physical pain is so real. There are often new aches and pains that cause me to question exactly what is going on. Do many aging bodies experience this? In particular, I’ve been experiencing lower left hip pain, but now that pain has radiated to the right side. It leaves me feeling unbalanced and walking with a slight limp.
For a while, I would do morning and evening stretches until I bottomed out of all physical activities. Bottoming out was because of a feeling of overall fatigue I just couldn’t shake. Yet, my body always feels tight to the point that stretching doesn’t always alleviate the pain. The pain is especially deep within my lower back, but I’m sure this comes from standing on concrete most of the day at my current job.
Of course, I stood on concrete most of the day in my previous career as well, but there were many times I was able to lean or sit. Currently, the back pain I have feels like pressure, as if a watermelon has been dropped into my lower abdomen, and the gravity just keeps pushing it down causing undue pressure within my pelvic region. It’s a pain I often cannot describe. It makes me wonder if I have a broken or fractured bone within my hip. It’s such a gentle ache, I wonder if it hurts until I feel that it actually does. It’s as if it waits for me to notice it.
Nevertheless, when I get home, I immediately retire and recline my feet. I sit, and I think and attempt to process and make sense of my work day. The pain in my body is sometimes exasperated by the pressure of dealing with narcissistic individuals all day within a toxic work environment. In fact, I’d say the pain is magnitudes worse when having to deal with these types of individuals and all the chaotic drama they tend to bring to the environment. I feel like I can neither win physically nor mentally.
I’d simply like to rest, and sometimes rest does what my body needs it to do. Sometimes a good sleep is all I need to feel rejuvenated and refreshed, and then I remember that I’m aging, and that perhaps all of these aches and pains are simply a part of that process. I’ll look around and see other women my age and wonder how they do it. Do they push through like I do? How do they make it look so easy? What am I doing wrong?
Yet, then I’ll hear those same women around my age complain here and there, or I’ll see them limping or attempting to cover a minor injury with some type of aid, and I’ll realize I’m not really all that alone in my pain. Others are suffering too. Then I’ll consider all the “war” stories we could swap about our jobs and remember almost as startlingly that I am not working amongst friends. They are only work associates. Some are not even that. In fact, some of the women have made themselves my work enemies based on their feelings regarding my presence.
Nevertheless, my body reels in pain. Some days the pain is worse than on other days. Some days, I feel normal, and other days, I feel a lot less like myself. I sometimes long for the days that I can wake up and feel normal, but I don’t think I’ll every wake up and feel that type of normal again. Now I wake up with a need to stretch before I can actually get out of bed. Then as soon as my feet touch the floor, there is pain. Nope. I don’t think my body will ever return to it’s youth. It’s inevitable that it’s getting older.
Although I’m fine with getting older, there’s a realization that the body of my younger self has changed dramatically, and I consider how swiftly “old age” has crept up on me. I expected it but didn’t see it approaching in the way it has taken a hold of me. I long for a time of reprieve where a stiffness here or there isn’t as stiff when I need to use a particular body part. It’s literally like I can’t take a step without feeling as if something within my upper hip has cracked, or I can’t bend without feeling as if my back has changed positions.
Needless to say, my body is filled with all types of pain. I guess I can say I’m blessed to be able to describe it. I’m also blessed to say that I’m still alive to actually feel it. Interestingly enough, it’s feeling the pain that makes it a privilege to say I’m alive to speak on it because so many lose out on this privilege during any given day. Yet, in the meantime, I’ll look to find comfort in rest and relaxation or a pillow and heating pad because my body is filled with pain.
My Voice Unchained 