When a narcissist’s loved one is battling an illness, their reaction often depends on how the situation affects their own needs for attention, control, or admiration. During such times, a narcissist usually wants to make sure they remain the center of attention even if the focus should be on the one who is ill.
A narcissist might react to a loved one’s illness in the following ways. They might try to garner sympathy or appear heroic by “helping” the one with the illness. In this way, the narcissist manages to keep the focus of themselves. A narcissist might also try to downplay the loved one’s illness to avoid feeling inconvenienced or avoid losing attention. A narcissist might show irritation if the illness disrupts their routines or expectations. Finally, a narcissist might try to leverage the illness to gain praise or control over the person or others.
In any given situation, however, a narcissist’s reaction can vary, but the focus often centers on their self-interest rather than empathy.
A Page From My Life
A narcissist I’ve referred to as The Identity Thief was notorious for devaluing me during times of illness, depression, and whenever she was aware I was having a difficult time. My first time taking note of this type of devaluation was when I was suffering from flu-like symptoms. I was incredibly sick – too sick for even a phone conversation. Yet, this narcissist wouldn’t relent her need to control MY situation.
The Identity Thief telephoned me while I was lounging lazily on the couch suffering from flu-like symptoms. I’d even taken the day off from work so I could rest. As soon as the phone rang, I attempted to ignore it. My caller ID showed me it was her, but even after repeatedly ignoring the rings, the calls kept coming. So, I finally answered because I knew she’d never stop.
The Identity Thief needed to vent, but instead of asking me how I was doing in that moment or why I hadn’t answered the previous rings, she immediately began talking about her problems. For the sake of getting off the phone to continue resting, I broke into the conversation when I finally heard what seemed to be a break in the conversation. I couldn’t believe I had to explain to her my reasoning for not wanting to have conversation, but she didn’t seem to understand that I was incredibly sick.
Instead of respecting my boundaries, The Identity Thief promised to make the phone call short, but as she proceeded to talk loudly about her issues at that moment in time, I heard the disdain for me within her voice, and I could literally feel her smirking her way through the conversation and seemingly taking pleasure in holding me on the phone. I felt miserable, and despite my inability to truly engage in conversation with her, she refused to hang up.
It was then that I realized that something was terribly wrong with her. There I was sick and feeling as if I couldn’t lift myself up to carry on a verbal conversation with her, but she settled upon me simply listening to her without taking into any consideration that I truly wasn’t up for it. I assumed that it would make sense to say she’d call me back another time, but instead, I had to end the conversation myself by actually telling her I was too sick to talk.
Even upon me literally voicing my desire to get off the phone to attend my rest, The Identity Thief attempted to keep talking to me. She was completely ignoring me and ignoring the fact that I was sick. Her conversation with me was not even a dire emergency; she was simply attempting to monopolize my time while listening to me suffer. Although I didn’t want to be rude, I firmly and emphatically stated that I was simply too sick to carry on a conversation. I was flabbergasted when she responded that all I needed to do was listen.
It was then that I realized that The Identity Thief truly didn’t care about my wellbeing, but instead of having empathy for my plight, she would later turn around and flip the script about the entire phone conversation and say that I was rude and selfish for hanging up on her. After that phone hangup, I felt even more miserable when I realized that her tactics to keep me on the phone instigated my feelings of misery. She already knew I was suffering. She’d even mentioned that I wasn’t my usual bubbly self and that I wasn’t asking a multitude of questions that was so very characteristic of me.
Of course, this wouldn’t be the last time I’d experience such alarming devaluation from this malignant covert narcissist, but it was the last time I ever allowed her to disregard my wishes when I was sick, and any time I attempted to bring up the instances of her behavior to her to point out the obvious – that she seemed to lack empathy – she’d flip the script to gaslight me into saying that I was wrong. Yet, when the shoe was on the other foot and she was sick, I was always expected to understand and grant her the grace she never had for me. In fact, I never treated her like she treated me. She would have definitely and angrily pointed it out.
Needless to say, I finally had my fill with The Identity Thief’s narcissistic personality disorder, and I eventually severed all ties with her for good. Yet, I never forgot this type of behavior when I was sick. She just seemed to be oblivious during that time, but I’d later come to understand that such obliviousness was all a part of the act in narcissism. In fact, she knew what she was doing by continuing to hold me on the phone for conversation. She was all about wanting me to suffer, and that smirk I discerned within her voice as she talked was surely testament to the way she actually looked when her actual smirk would appear on her face.
The bottom line is that a narcissist doesn’t care if a loved one is sick. They only care about how that sickness affects them and whether the attention you need is the attention they can get for themselves.
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My Voice Unchained 