A coworker I’ve referred to as Damsel in Distress is notorious for projecting her worries onto others. I found this to be one of her most annoying narcissistic traits. Her projections were a thing I could do without. Any time there was a problem on the job, Damsel would be sure to talk about it and attempt to stress everyone else about it too. Those jumping on the bandwagon with her would often be her flying monkeys and anyone else who had similar worries.
From weather storms to schedule changes … if there was an issue, Damsel was sure to naggingly talk about it. She’d drive an issue into the ground until I became so annoyed that I’d have to nicely, but firmly, shut her down from talking about it so much around me. It was unnerving to hear her wreck the peace she cared very little about as I tried to focus on my work.
It was as if Damsel wanted others to be just as stressed out as she became over issues that were not even all that significant in the grand scheme of work. Many of the issues she created herself by simply making such a big deal about them. I couldn’t comprehend why she made such a big fuss about things she couldn’t control. It was frustrating to listen to her and deal with her nervous and over-the-top energy.
When others would join in on Damsel’s tirades of worries, all I’d hear would be complaints, complaints, and more complaints. If a storm was coming through the city, one might think we should prepare for a coming Apocalypse. If schedules were being changed, coworkers should have always suspected the worst … that we might even be fired in the process. It was unnerving to have to listen to her rant on about things that were beyond anyone’s ability to control.
If I was silent while I worked, it meant that something was wrong with me and that I couldn’t just be focusing on the main reason I was there … to work. My silence seemed to be an immediate offense to her and her flying monkeys as she made every attempt to read what she perceived as the signals of my silence. Frankly, I couldn’t be silent just because I might have been in deep thought, I might have been trying to focus on the task at hand, or I might have been dealing with a time of selective mutism.
After being around Damsel and people like her, I realized that receiving any projections of issues that were not mine had the tendency to stir me up. In fact, that’s what projection is meant to do. Projection is meant to place you in the path of another person’s issues so that you end up carrying them. .
As a reminder, projection is a psychological defense mechanism where someone attributes their own emotions, traits, or issues onto another person, often to avoid confronting their own feelings or flaws. By projecting, the person essentially shifts the burden of their internal struggles onto someone else, making that person feel responsible or even guilty for emotions or conflicts that aren’t theirs to begin with.
When you’re on the receiving end of someone’s projection, it can indeed feel unsettling or even agitating. This happens because the other person’s unresolved issues are being placed on you, and your emotional and mental equilibrium gets disrupted as a result. It’s a way for the person projecting to offload their discomfort, but it creates a heavy and confusing emotional experience for the person who is targeted.
Unfortunately for me, I was one of the people that Damsel always targeted, and it appeared far easier for her to offload her junk onto me or anyone else like me who tended to work in solitude. Recognizing projection when it happens is the first step in protecting yourself from absorbing these misplaced emotions.
For the most part, I’d always need to remind myself that these feelings from Damsel were never mine to carry. Grounding techniques, setting boundaries, and affirming my sense of self were ways to help me maintain emotional balance in the face of such crazymaking dynamics. It’s crucial to remember that someone else’s issues are theirs, not mine and not yours, and we don’t have to take on that emotional weight.
Around Damsel, I often had to affirm that her stuff was not mine to carry. In fact, any time she was around, there was prone to be some type of drama. It’s as if she could not and cannot live her life without it. She always needed to be a part of a dramatic environment, and if there was peace, she seemed content on creating chaos within it. She always seemed angry or annoyed that anyone else, particularly me, moved in silence and peace, and if she couldn’t directly stir me up, she’d create chaos around me.
Most times, I found myself always having to be the voice of reason where she was concerned because she always had the ability to attempt to shake one’s level of comfort. Being the focus of drama kept her in the limelight, but she didn’t recognize at all that being in such limelight when it came to drama didn’t put her in a good light. Attention was really all she wanted, whether it was good or bad. Yet, the problem with that attention and spotlight was that it cast shadows onto everyone else in her presence.
In fact, I took note of how one team lead inadvertently admitted that Damsel was always stirring up trouble and getting involved in things that weren’t really her concern. In other words, this team lead admitted that Damsel was always minding business that had nothing to do with her and inviting others to be a part of that business whether they wanted to be a part or not. This fact was an eye-opener for me. It made me realize that those in superior positions recognized Damsel’s penchant for trouble even though they never directly addressed her or did anything about it.
As for me, I decided to not partake of Damsel’s projections. I willingly chose to practice an attitude of peace. I openly pulled away from conversations with her that were drama producing and inducing, and if asked for my opinion, I only sometimes gave it in favor of peace. The more I shut her down, the less likely she would be to turn to me for those types of conversations. This meant that she talked to me less, and if giving me the silent treatment was a way for her to validate some form of control, I was okay with that as long as I was left alone.
I didn’t want Damsel’s worries coming into my life. I didn’t want nor need that type of added stress. I had my own personal worries. I simply wanted to do my job and do it in peace. Although I liked Damsel in some ways, I grew frustrated with her overall immature and manipulative behaviors. She could be a rather mean and ruthless person to other coworkers. She was bossy and aggressive, but she knew how to turn on the charm to make herself appear as subservient.
In fact, Damsel often deferred to me about a lot of things I thought she could figure out for herself when there was no one else around, but when team leads or anyone who seemed to think she had some type of control was around, she’d show herself to be quite knowledgeable about a lot of things. I found it always interesting how that worked, and quite a number of times I’d stand back and notice how Damsel and the other mobsters would mimic my words and actions. I’d often feel as if the me I was had become the me in them, and it was super frustrating that no one else could see this.
Needless to say, I grew exhausted by having to deal with Damsel’s profound worries over absolutely nothing life shattering, but one would think that life was indeed falling apart after listening to anything she had to say on any matter. There was always something dramatic, and things could never be calm. This is why I always looked forward to when there’d be schedule changes, times off, and opportunities to work apart from Damsel and any mobster member. I looked for and deferred to peace at all times.
I have enough worries of my own without having to deal with a projection of worries. I’m always going to avoid them and people who spend time projecting them too.
Stay tuned for more …
My Voice Unchained 