After I’d given my two week notice at a toxic workplace, I bided my time by continuing to perform my duties, but over time, I began detaching myself from the atmosphere and coworkers more each day. To only a few people, my behavior was noticeable, and I’d be asked from time to time whether I was okay. Most thought that I was still recovering from the flu. Although I was, I was slowly coming to grips with releasing myself from a toxic environment.
I never shared any details about why I was leaving with the human resource manager, even though she asked me. Nor did I discuss that I was leaving with anyone else. I had hoped that my resignation would remain confidential for as long as possible, but I wasn’t banking on it. Information within this workplace, no matter how sensitive and private, had a way of leaking out as gossip.
Each day after I’d given my resignation, Damsel in Distress, a highly narcissistic coworker who led a mob against me with the purpose of getting me out of my assigned work position, tried desperately to get information out of me about my future plans for the job. I was very tight-lipped about this. I evaded her questions like Neo dodged being hit by bullets in The Matrix. Sometimes I was just silent as I listened to her rattle on and on about the happenings at work. Yet, no matter how hard she attempted to get me to open up, I did not budge.
On some level, I felt like Damsel was caving in because she actually thrived on knowing as much as possible about coworkers’ lives. She and some other coworkers literally spent their time deeply diving into the depths of others’ personal lives to the point that I wondered how they found so much information out regarding coworkers.
Personally, I’m not so free with the things I share about myself. It’s not like I’m secretive, but I do have boundaries. Most things about me personally just aren’t topics I want to discuss at work. I see work as work and would prefer to talk about work, and I tend to err on the side of being professional. I don’t mix business with my personal life. I keep it separate. I’ve learned too many lessons regarding this, and I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.
As the days rolled on within this workplace, I realized it was to my advantage to remain silent about my plans to leave. There was always so much gossip circulating, and it didn’t help that Damsel was always the main culprit as to why news spread so fast. She was more like a private investigator looking for someone to exploit and extract information from at any given moment. She was also always in the middle of gossip or stirring it up.
Nevertheless, I refused to give anyone anything to talk about. The only way they’d know for sure I was leaving was if the hiring manager shared that information with coaches and team leads, and then they shared that information with others. Yet, no one said a word nor acted as if they had a clue about anything going on with me. However, I had to wonder what was known because as much as I felt I’d detached, I sensed a detachment towards me too (from team leads) and a few coworkers, but that could have very well been my own projection in attempting to keep people out of my business.
Of course, I immediately thought that by leaving without announcing this to anyone or saying any goodbyes was the best course of action for me. I’m not one for fanfare, and I was only at this job for a year. Although I did develop connections, I didn’t believe them to be close enough to warrant confiding in others about my life at all. Everything was always surface enough even though there were a number of people that I liked in personality. Frankly, there was really only one person that I would have wanted to tell, but I didn’t have to since that person had already been informed by HR.
Needless to say, as my time was coming to an end, Damsel had a rather explosive emotional outburst. At the time I didn’t think it had anything to do with me, but later on I realized that on some level she had lost some control. In fact, she had quite a few outbursts that eventually culminated to a very explosive one. On the surface, it would appear that her qualms were legitimate in regards to what she originally complained about that led up to her explosive outbursts, except that I discerned there was something much deeper going on than she was letting on to everyone else around her.
Damsel’s outburst was so explosive that the majority of the coworkers around all turned to look at her. She’d lost her cool with one of the team leads when attempting to give a complaint about about an incident that she’d experienced. Prior to telling this team lead, she explained the situation to me and one of her flying monkeys. She seemed fine as she talked about it. There was never any indication that anything was amiss with her. In fact, I didn’t gather there was anything amiss until the team lead walked up. That’s when she exploded out of seemingly nowhere, and without warning.
Interestingly, instead of watching Damsel’s face, I looked at the faces of the team lead and the flying monkey. The team lead was obviously flabbergasted and immediately attempted to calm her down. She was so loud and argumentative that the team lead eventually escorted her from the area. In fact, she was causing a scene and every coworker around could only stare at her. For a moment, because of her proximity to me, I felt second-hand embarrassment for her. She’s a mature adult behaving in an immature manner.
When I looked at the flying monkey I refer to as Sidekick, she appeared unbothered and unmoved by Damsel’s behavior, although I did take note of the gigantic smirk on her face. When Damsel verbalized how everyone turned to look at her to watch, the Sidekick muttered, “What do you expect?” Yet, the flying monkey only said this after Damsel had walked away from the area. I found this odd too simply because they both act like they are best buds when they are around each other.
Nonetheless, I found the entire outburst to be strange … that Damsel’s emotions were more than about what she discussed regarding her grievances on the surface. I could be wrong, but I discerned that her explosive outburst was based on her inability to gain the usual control of information about someone else at work that she’s so accustomed to knowing and spreading. She knew everything about everyone else and even speculated upon behaviors and spread rumors in that regards. Yet, she couldn’t gain access to me or my information because I was absolutely not sharing anything with her.
As much as she tried to manipulate me into believing that she was my “friend”, I never took the bait. From being burned by narcissists like her, I knew better. I was not about to fall for that again. So, I kept her at arm’s length. Patterns never lie. She did the same things as all the other narcissists, and at times, I didn’t think she was nearly as smart as some of the other narcissists I’ve known. Yet, that glassy stare … that narcissistic look that is always undeniable when I see it … is always a dead giveaway. I’ve seen that look so often throughout my life that I know exactly what’s in operation.
Underneath the surface of what Damsel didn’t want to outwardly express was her inner rage, and because she couldn’t extract information about some personal details regarding my life, she’d incurred a narcissistic injury that was too huge of a wound for her to cover any longer. Small inconveniences and troubles had only caused that would to capsize and ooze out until she could no longer hide it. When she exploded, she only confirmed to mostly everyone around the type of controlling person she is in most circumstances, and when she fears losing control, she lashes out.
Instead of consoling her, I found it interesting that Sidekick seemed to gloat and take pride in the outburst. She even went as far as to exclaim that it’s not cool to lose one’s cool in front of others which is why she never lets anyone see her sweat.
Because I know how these narcissistic types work, I didn’t respond or chime in on Damsel’s behavior. I just observed and took everything in to process what I was discerning about my surroundings. Later on, Damsel apologized and reiterated over and over that she was not a “mean” person but that she was simply under stress. Although being under stress is reasonable to believe within that toxic work environment, Damsel is a very mean person, but in that instance, it was her insecurity over losing control that was the problem.
The very next day, another flying monkey mentioned that Damsel called out to stay home for the day. Although the flying monkey and Damsel talked about what happened that led up to her calling out, the flying monkey wanted my input on what I knew about Damsel’s outburst. Since I’m pretty adept at how flying monkeys operate when the leading narcissist of their group isn’t present, I wasn’t taking that bait either.
I told the flying monkey that I didn’t know anything (which I actually didn’t), and I left it at that. While the flying monkey and another coworker speculated on the occurrences, I realized that Damsel just may have been formulating just another one of her ways to gain information. Instead of being drawn into any drama, I did what I normally do at work. I completed my assigned tasks and avoided any contact with Damsel’s flying monkey associates.
Furthermore, I was reminded of the behaviors of a few other narcissistic people I’ve known who sensed with fear they were losing access to me. They behaved in the same ways with varying degrees of outbursts. They couldn’t keep it together. They’d blame their outbursts on something totally benign, but I knew within my very being that their outbursts had more to do with losing access to me than anything they claimed on the surface. There was an inner knowing within them, whether cognitively or simply based on their own patterns of behaviors with those they’ve lost access to in the past.
Lastly, looking back over this period, I have no doubt that there was already gossip circulating about me leaving, even if no one was directly asking me to clarify any information. I actually believe the hiring manager of human resources might have informed those she told to keep quiet about the information since I’d addressed the issue of confidentiality regarding personal employee information before. It’s highly likely the higher ups were biding their own time until I was gone in the hopes that I wasn’t planning legal action against them since one team lead claimed they were very aware that I kept detailed notes on what happened to me at work.
I had just five days left, and nothing could have prepared me for the events of my final days at a toxic workplace.
My Voice Unchained 