I came to view any narcissist who’ve I’ve encountered in my life with a true self and another self. The other self was often a false self based on what they wanted to present that wasn’t often the truth about who they were as a person. I always knew after spending ample amounts of time with a narcissist when I was dealing with their ‘true’ self and not the mask of someone they were trying to present to me. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to explain this any other way.
Needless to say, as of recent, I’ve begun experiencing profound moments of clarity and self-reflection. As I’ve grown in self-awareness, especially regarding my own neurodivergence, I’ve been able to see my mother through a more nuanced lens – one that considers both her neurological differences and her narcissistic traits.
I think my shift in perspective might be happening because of many things. First, I’ve come to recognize aspects of myself as it relates to my dealings with autism, selective mutism and other mental health disorders. With hindsight, I’m seeing behaviors in my mother that I previously interpreted as solely narcissistic but which may have been also shaped by autism.
Second, I’m still in various stages of healing from trauma. Healing, alone, often shifts a person’s perspective. This doesn’t mean I’m excusing any harm that my mother has done to me, but I am allowing for a broader understanding as to why my mother behaved the way she did when I was a child. Instead of seeing my mother as a one-dimensional person or simply as an evil person, I’m seeing layers to her that weren’t always clear or were even clouded by my own pain and trauma.
Third, I’ve come to understand that to be human is to be complex (as if I didn’t already know this). I’ve come to hold two truths at once – that my mother is both autistic and narcissistic. Although this seems contradictory, it’s not impossible at all. In fact, someone can be neurodivergent and harmful in narcissistic behaviors at the same time. I realize that acknowledging my mother’s struggles doesn’t erase what she put me through, but it does help me to make sense of why she was the way she was in the past (and even perhaps now).
Finally, sometimes to process pain, our minds will naturally try to create a fuller picture to reconcile contradictions. As is normal for me, I look for meaning in everything and I see this as also a way to frame my mother’s actions in a way that makes them feel less personal. She didn’t just cause harm to me; she caused harm to my siblings, dad, and others as well.
None of my revelations or change in perspectives means that I have to forgive, excuse, or reconcile with my mother if that’s not what I want, but I will say that for me, I do choose to forgive. The more I come to understand about her and how NPD and any other disorder works in a person’s life, the more I come to realize that their behaviors aren’t really about me even if she’s done things against me. Her behaviors would be and are the same with anyone else she likely encounters too.
I believe that gaining a new or different perspective helps me to further detach emotionally – seeing my mother as a flawed human rather than just a villian out to get me. We are just alike, needed salvation through grace and needing forgiveness of all of our wrongs against others and each other. Even still, though, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t or wasn’t harmful, but it does give me a fuller understanding of who she is as a person with her flaws. After all, I have flaws too, and a lot of what’s in her has shaped me into becoming who I am today.
I’m not finished though. So keep reading for more in the next post …
My Voice Unchained 