A few years back, I created a family genogram as a part of a graduate class project. Since I’ve always been drawn to naturally understanding the patterns in my family, not just in terms of relationships but also in terms of mental health disorders and physical illnesses and disorders, it would make sense for me to desire to reflect upon various perspectives in terms of how we were all affected by family dynamics.
I am aware of my needs – solitude, distance from overstimulation, and contentment with my life. Although this may just be the grand scheme of things for my life, my awareness of my needs is pretty powerful considering not everyone comes to terms with those areas of their lives. I choose to honor myself for who I am rather than choose to fit into expectations that may not align with me.
The loneliness I sometimes feel in terms of a life I don’t have with my family is real, but it doesn’t take away from the peace I find in being true to myself. It has taken me a lot of emotional maturity to even consider the possibility of being true to myself. It takes even more emotional maturity to consider the shift in perspective regarding my mother, especially after everything I’ve been through with her.
Despite a really deep and compassionate reflection, I was a child when I experienced the bulk of my mother’s narcissitically abusive behaviors, and it wasn’t my responsibility to understand her then, especially when she was the parent. If she was both autistic and narcissistic, then there’s a complex mix of things going on, and it’s okay to take my time sorting through what was intentional harm and what may have been unintentional.
No-contact doesn’t have to be permanent, but it also doesn’t have to change right away just because I’m seeing things in a new light. Although life may be short and death for either of us could occur at any time, this situation will be navigated with spiritual guidance and discernment. It’s still a process, and processes for healing, growth, and change take time – probably even a lot more time than the damage that was caused to need all of this.
Admittedly, sometimes I want to apologize to my mother for not understanding what she may have been going through or even seeing it for the complexity that it was, but that is the damage that occurs from being within a narcissistically abusive environment. It’s not an excuse. It just is what it was back then, and nothing about what’s happened can be changed, but I can choose to see from a different vantage point that I didn’t experience though.
A child can’t control the aspects or the consequences of what occurs in narcissistically abusive environments. I was a child then, but I’m an adult now. Thus, I know that I have decisions to make, nonetheless, and I want to continue to protect my boundaries, but maybe this is a nudging from God to look at the entire picture just like I did when I created my family genogram. When I created that genogram, I wanted to understand the greater purpose behind what’s happened in my family’s life and my life.
My Voice Unchained 