On the previous job I let go of, I came to not like the person I felt I was becoming in such a toxic work environment. I didn’t like how I’d begun to feel. I felt angry all the time and irritable for reasons I didn’t always understand. I felt like I was becoming like the coworkers I didn’t like being around because of their toxic behaviors, and I always felt suspicious of even well-meaning coworkers. I simply felt I could trust no one, and many times, I projected my own behaviors onto others as a way for self-preservation.
Reflecting upon those experiences now, I think about the people I encountered as coworkers, specifically the narcissistic ones. There were three coworkers I believe wholeheartedly are narcissists who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. These three coworkers seemed to target me at various points, all attempting to make my life at work a living nightmarish hell. On some level they all succeeded in some way to the point that I dreaded working the days they were scheduled to work too. I even fought having meltdowns.
Once I began navigating my way around the workplace and learning about the various personalities I encountered day by day, it was easier for me to somewhat avoid these personalities altogether. In fact, I’d go out of my way not to even look at them if at all possible, grey rock them when necessary by keeping my responses short, and not being anywhere within their sphere of influence. However, in the beginning, I cried great tears over their malicious injustices against me because I didn’t comprehend their need to single me out and be so mean to me when I’d done nothing wrong against them.
Those three narcissistic coworkers didn’t like me at all, and there is no question about that. The energy they projected didn’t lie, and oftentimes, I could see their dislike of me pulsating through their eyes every time they saw me. These three coworkers didn’t like me the moment they laid eyes upon me, and they all set out to make me a target of narcissistic abuse within the work environment.
However, I’d become so seasoned to the games of other narcissists in the past, that these women had a difficult time with me. I did NOT react as they expected me to react to their devaluation. I didn’t run away from them with my legs tucked between my tail based on any meanness they directed towards me, and I didn’t back down when I wanted and needed to stand my ground with them either. These three women elicited fear within the environment, but I was neither afraid nor intimidated by them at all, and this seemed to incite their rage against me even more.
I wouldn’t say I was a dark empath in behavior, but I was assertive when I needed to be, and I let them know right off the cuff that I wasn’t going to play their games. Yet, when it came to them wanting to go at me with that tit for tat kind of stuff, I’d simply get silent and/or walk away. Often, I’d ask them to repeat themselves just so they could take stock in their own behaviors being put on the spot. Since they liked to attempt to devalue me in front of others, asking them to repeat themselves actually put a spotlight on what they were attempting to do to me.
Just as easy as it is for a narcissist to devalue and discard, I chose the route of grey rocking and going no contact whenever possible. I’d shut those narcissistic women off and deflect my focus elsewhere. Then, when I needed to, I’d tell them off in a heartbeat – professionally so, in my deadpan kind of way, but still telling them off, nonetheless. Then as soon as they attempted to come back at me, I would disengage and turn away or walk away so that they were left talking to themselves.
These three women hated me tremendously, and oftentimes they’d avoid me when I’d put them on the spot by inadvertently calling out their negative behaviors. Many times, I realized I’d caused them narcissistic injuries to which I already knew to expect their backlash and payback, but I was always ready. I knew the game. I’d been inducted into it so many times before by other narcissists. They weren’t by far the most vicious I’ve ever encountered and nor were they the smartest, but they could be ruthless. They’d even encourage others to join in and mob me with the silent treatment, stonewalling, gaslighting, and other narcissistic behaviors.
Yet, over time, I realized there was a lot to learn from these three women, and I mainly learned about pain and trauma. Without them necessarily sharing the deepest part of their lives with me personally, they did share with others when I was around. So I heard what ailed them, and I learned what caused them great insecurities without them necessarily revealing these deep aspects to me. Then those times when they seemed to share rare insights into their true selves, they’d actually talk to me as if they liked me, even though I knew this was all a ruse.
Narcissists do admire their targets, but the admiration is only in terms of the quality they seek to set apart for themselves, exploit, and destroy. Hate is a strong word, and I seriously doubt these three women could even grasp the emotions they projected onto me even if they did genuinely hate me. Yet, many times, what I saw piercing from their eyes elicited strong hate for me and my presence in the workplace, but more times than not, I saw their shame laid bare before me, and they hated me for being able to see it. They hated me for what I knew and discerned about them underneath the surface.
I could have very well pointed all of their insecurities out, but that would have only incurred more of their wrath. The job was hard enough with being mobbed by their flying monkey supporters. I didn’t need more of the same. That type of atmosphere is gruesomely exhausting, and I couldn’t always bare it. I think I took naps everyday after work just to recover from all the toxicity and not just the physical demands of the work itself.
What I came to learn about these women zeroed in on some key aspects about my own personality. I didn’t ever want to be their kind of women, but these were the types of women I’d come to know. They all embodied the negative aspects of my mother all wrapped into one, and although it still perplexes me that my mother is even complex in possibly having both autistic and narcissistic personality traits, I could easily compare how the good within these women could make them seem like not such bad people.
Additionally, though, these three women represented the woman in me that still needs to heal from such narcissistic abuse. I’d been put through this type of abuse at another job, and I’d suffered through it silently without telling a soul, not even my therapist. I’d experienced abuse in a way that was almost too unbelievable for anyone to conceive, and if I hadn’t journaled it all, it would not have believed it actually happened to me.
For one reason, I didn’t tell anyone else because I couldn’t comprehend it. I was gaslighted at every turn all the time. In fact, I was gaslighted so much, I frequently questioned myself and the reality of my experiences quite a lot. If it weren’t for going back into the history of my journals to read about what I was going through, I might have actually considered myself insane for even believing that such trauma could have taken place with me living to tell about it.
Yet, as I began to learn more about narcissistic abuse and its effects, I was plagued even more. All of these types of women hated my presence no matter where I was – be it work, church, or home. They sought to take me out in some capacity, and even though they sought my “friendship” on a level that was a bit obsessive, I’d still believe in the best of their potential to be good people. Never again though! Never again!
I’ve come to accept that people are who they reveal themselves to be, and that it’s better to believe who I discern them to be the first time and not make any excuses for them. Even though people might have potential, it’s not my job to nurture it. It’s not even my job to believe that potential will come forth. After all, potential is just something waiting to occur. So I might as well take people on the surface for who they present and discern what they might be trying to hide. Yet, with narcissists, usually, what one sees is what one gets.
Those women at the job I recently left hated the sight of my presence, but my actual presence alone wasn’t the problem. It was the fantastical light of God illuminating through me, even if sometimes dimly, because of the genuine need for me to be who I authentically am, who shone through. It was not by my power at all … because I have none. Yet, I wanted to be authentically me as much as I could because many times I had to mask myself in such toxic environments as a matter of survival. Yet, regardless of all this, these women hated me, as if something about me made their skin crawl.
Yet, with time, I began to see them as simply hurt women with a lot of unhealed trauma of their own. They didn’t quite clear know how to regulate their own emotions with others which is why they reacted so immaturely towards me and in general … many times combative for no reason and often out of control with their reactions being sometimes over-the-top if I even asked a simple question pertaining to work. Sometimes their negative behaviors towards me were seen by others who were left in awe as to why their reactions were so grand with me and no one else as I remained silent but observant.
Nevertheless, once I saw into their humanness and attempted to understand them, I still remained respectful of them. I still responded to them with kindness. I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want that toxic environment to rub off on me. Yet, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to read them for filth at times … that I didn’t want to tell them about themselves even if I did hurt their feelings. However, I knew this was pointless. I already knew they bore the shame of who they are as people, and that in itself, was its own punishment for them.
As for me, I reckoned that these individuals gave me a glimpse into my own life and what I was willing to continue to put up with as time went on, and I can say that I became a lot less tolerant of wanting to be around these types of women and people in general. I just didn’t want to do this type of toxicity anymore. In fact, I’d gone through a lot prior to getting this job to end toxic situations for good with three so-called friends. I’d finally come to a place where I could accept being friendless if that’s what I was supposed to be in an effort to live peacefully. I didn’t want to deal with this type of behavior any longer at work or in my personal life.
So, right now, I assume it’s time for me to continue on into the next phase of my healing. When I think about it, the only issues left to deal with center around and surround my immediate family. Although there’s so much I don’t completely understand, I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to continue doing the work, and I’m ready to continue moving towards positive changes. I just hope that this next phase or chapter will continue to bring me peace, but I’m sure I can count on some life lessons too.
Stay tuned …
My Voice Unchained 