I was tested in varying ways within my previous career, but I could always retreat away from the drama when the going got tough. I had many places to hide. I could even go sit for a bit on the couch of a therapist and simply meditate or stim my way back to calmness. However, on the job I recently quit, I could only retreat momentarily for two 15 minute breaks and a lunch, and oftentimes I didn’t feel that time away even sufficed me, and the only place I could hide was my car.
Needless to say, I did all I could not to react to the narcissistic abuses and mobbing behaviors I tolerated, but sometimes I did lose my cool. Sometimes I did have a meltdown, but I had to fight not to allow myself to break in front of my coworkers. In fact, I tried to never let them see me sweat, but I can’t say that they didn’t see a bit of perspiration here and there. I could usually tell by a narcissistic smirk or gleam in the eyes of a mobster if they believed they’d gotten to me.
When I felt a meltdown coming on, I walked away for a break. A meltdown didn’t happened too often, but it’s happened enough to where I’d have to take deep breaths and recenter myself. When I was able to recenter myself, I’d have to consider what I was dealing with along with the reason. Most of the time, it was always an insidious mob attack, and there was always the sense that I was being driven out. Each attack was crafted by the mobsters as a group or individually by design.
In fact, on this past job, I had four separate occasions where I felt strongly that the desire of others for me to be in the work environment wasn’t a desire at all, and those culprits were former team leads, a member of human resources (HR), an insecure coworker, and two different sets of narcissistic bullies and their flying monkeys. Each of them had attempted to push me over the edge with their behaviors in some way, but they hadn’t succeeded on the surface.
When push has come to shove, and I’d had all I was willing to accept in regards to downright disrespectful behavior from these individuals and groups, I’d either turn on heavy deadpanning, grow silent because I’d internally shut down, or stand firm against the culprits by continuing to do my job while appearing unmoved by their antics at the same time. In fact, if anything, I’d choose my battles wisely by not choosing to interact within their workplace battles at all.
Mostly, I’d grow silent from shutting down, which always gave the appearance that I was unmoved because I showed no reaction whatsoever. I’ve actually been told numerous times that I appear as cool as a cucumber, and this often causes my enemy coworkers to dig their heels in and re-strategize for another attack or stand back in awe that I appeared unmoved while they decided to dig their heels in and re-strategize for another attack. Just like I hadn’t given up on attending to my purpose on the job, my enemy coworkers hadn’t given up trying to get rid of me so that I couldn’t complete my purpose (even though I wasn’t always so sure what that was).
Deadpanning becomes a thing of mine when I’m about to explode in anger. Sometimes I can’t hold back, and when I find that I can’t, I react. Then I professionally spout off everything that comes to mind regarding a person and their behavior. Most times, I look like the abuser even though I’m the one reacting to the abuse against me. It obviously appears that way when I upend the culprit by chewing them up with words while spitting them out into a proverbial trash can. The only problem is that anyone observing this side of me can’t tell if I’m actually serious or being funny.
By the time I’ve reacted with deadpanning, it’s too late. I end up appearing curt and overly blunt even though I’ve handled my would-be assassins in a very professional (and even humorous) manner. At that point, I don’t care. The consequences I will gladly suffer, but usually no one wants to verbally spar with me because I’ve also brought up every piece of evidence against them with dates, times, witnesses, and conversational details to prove my claims about their behavior. This alone lets them know that my deadpanning was indeed serious and justly given.
The most of a reaction I’d receive would either be in the form of laughter by a witness, often a flying monkey, or in the form of tears by the narcissistic bully coworker. The leading narcissist always cries, tones themselves down just enough so they appear as the victim, and boohoos to anybody who will listen to them. At this point, I don’t care what anybody thinks after I’ve said all that I’ve needed to say. I don’t take my words back. They are released and freely given like a delayed set of gifts.
Anyone who enables the leading narcissist usually tries to backtrack and explain themselves too. In fact, they all look guilty and sheepish which only confirms to me what I’d been discerning about them and their behaviors all along. This goes for anyone within a management position too. I say what I need to say all while handling them with respect, but I don’t back down. Even though I don’t go out of my way to upend any superior in front of others, I will still let them know where I stand.
In many instances, such actions could and would cost me my job, but when there’s evidence to prove my point, I usually don’t have any further issues. Sometimes, I don’t even need to mention evidence. It’s just the matter of fact way in which I tend to speak that gets attention. This isn’t to say that I’m not on the chopping block to be booted out, however. I just don’t care all that much. I tend to place my trust in a Higher Power about the direction and course of my life, which includes my job. If I’m going to be booted out, it simply means it’s the divine time for me to go.
Nevertheless, I’ve usually had a meltdown prior to reaching the point of over-the-top deadpanning. The meltdowns never occur in front of others though. From the various trials and tribulations I’ve suffered throughout my life, I’ve learned to cry tears on the inside of my nervous system. The tears steadily fall inside of me while slightly reaching the surface of my eyes without ever falling. No one knows this is happening. No one knows that I’m hysterically falling apart on the inside because I’m so calm on the outside.
Yet, I always have to step away and regulate myself to calm down because if I lose my cool, hell hath no fury like a voice unchained after putting up with too much narcissistic abuse. I think this was one of the reasons I immediately turned in a resignation letter on this job to only later rescind it. I had overreacted to mobbing behaviors which would have been hard to prove because I was the only one who knew what was going on, outside of the mobsters, but couldn’t prove them without seeming like I was the crazy one.
Another time, I had reacted angrily to the Sidekick flying monkey attempting to manipulate me out of my work spot. Although I said nothing to the Sidekick, I abruptly left my station when it seemed this person was making chanting noises next to me while at my work station. If I asked a question or made a comment regarding the work assignment, Sidekick would chant louder and louder to drown me out. At times, I can become overstimulated to noise and drama, and I will either react by lashing out (which I tend not to do in a professional setting) or walk away (which is always my go-to for peace and self-regulation).
Interestingly, all of this mobbing behavior occurred during a time when the mobsters were really fighting hard to come against me. They wanted me out, and I knew I was being driven out. In fact, their nagging behaviors would often push me into a meltdown to the point it was obvious they either wanted me to give in and leave or react in such a volatile manner that I’d be the only one perceived as the bad guy. I’d even told a coach about what I was discerning within the workplace only to be gaslit to think otherwise. As it turns out, this particular coach was a ringleader in orchestrating the mob into position against me, but then he transferred to another corporate facility.
A Meltdown
A meltdown for me is equivalent to hot angry tears. It’s an anger so strong that I often feel like it will undo me. When I uncover that anger, it feels more like a deep hurt and disappointment that will be hard for me to let go of unless I can ruminate over it again and again, until I’ve made some type of sense about it and have also made peace. Then when I’ve made some sort of peace, that situation gets piled onto the phase of deadpanning. When I can no longer feel myself having a meltdown, then I’ve hit the reactive deadpanning phase, and a person in the path of the aftermath of my meltdown is likely to receive brutally honest, but very often unwanted feedback.
Even in my anger, I never want to intentionally hurt anyone, but if the truth fits, then it fits. In such a state, however, I’m likely to reveal to my enemies their plans against me, and it’s not because I care that they know that I know, but it’s that I’ve been pushed to my limit, and they need to know that I know. Because I let it be known that I know what’s up, my deadpanning tends to put my enemies on the defense, and they are sent scrambling to try to cover themselves, but it’s already too late because I’m reading them for the filth of who they are as people.
In essence I’m exposed the mobsters, and enemies don’t like being exposed because it puts a negative spotlight on them, even though they are deceived into believing that there has never been a negative spotlight already in place. Half the time, my deadpanning causes my words to be filtered through what appears as humor even though being humorous isn’t my intention. I’m just matter of fact in my delivery, and I tend to mean what I say.
There are no lines to read between and nothing to decipher when I speak. It just is what it is, and I say what I say, and that’s it. Most often, many coworkers don’t know how to take me. They find my behaviors strange and me weird, but I don’t care. What I do care about is being able to freely do my job in peace, and when that is threatened, I will stand my ground, unless I’m led to leave. I don’t cower away easily even if I have the appearance of a meek, doe-eyed deer. I have a strong internal moral code of justice that I live by, and it’s hard to back down even in the face of my enemies.
Strategies to Stay Sane
If I know I’m not being led to walk away, then I will resist anyone’s efforts to drive me out because their actions ultimately have no bearing on my direction to stay. However, I won’t tolerate being disrespected either. I will call out issues when I believe it’s necessary to do so. For instance, the members of the mobsters were often passive aggressive about the the things that I did, but instead of addressing me about my work, they’d talk amongst themselves in criticism. When I heard them, I would quickly stop their passive aggressive banter by saying, “It was me. I did it. So what’s the problem with it?”
Most often the mobsters would back down and grow extremely quiet and defensive when I called them out to the point that I could hear the actual inflections of cruelty change within their voice tone into inflections of timidity and submissiveness. It’s as if they wanted to appear innocent when their behavior was definitely not innocent. They’d instantly make themselves the victims of issues they were attempting to cause so that it appeared as if they meant no harm when I knew the opposite to actually true.
When I sensed the mobsters being passive aggressive, knowing that they were targeting me based on something I’d done regarding the work, I’d always call them out so that they were not able to progress onward with pushing their oppressive vibe into the atmosphere around me. I’d grown so tired of them and their “mean girl” behaviors that I found myself addressing their behaviors head on no matter what reaction I’d get from them in return.
I didn’t care about the mobsters’ silent treatment or stonewalling behaviors against me. I preferred for them to leave me alone, but I did get annoyed by their need to talk about me as if I wasn’t present. This is passive aggressiveness at its finest, and when they did it, I’d become more in favor of putting a stop to it and calling it out immediately. This was one way that I didn’t lose my cool and react in a way that was unprofessional.
Another way that I decided to detach from the mobsters and the toxicity was by actually pursuing and being more open to doing other things on the job. Since I’d discerned that team leads, coaches, managers and human resources were determined not to deal with bullying within the workplace, unless they were themselves disrespected by these types of employees, then I decided I needed to take care of myself. Besides keeping a written record of everything that happened, I decided that detaching from the toxicity whenever possible was my best course of action.
Since I didn’t want to be around the negative energy that the mobsters always exuded, I made the decision to distance myself from it by opening myself up to work in other department areas. The grass may not be greener on other sides, but in some cases, I could work alone without feeling harassed or I could work without contending against someone’s negative energy towards me. It’s not that I’m not a team player; I just like working on teams where there is unity and cohesiveness and everyone uses their gifts and talents in a way that helps the entire team.
I do not want to be in competition at work. I just want to work and enjoy myself while doing it, and if I can’t do it, I’ll find my own creative ways to get around it when I can’t entirely walk away. Competition on the job stresses me out. It’s like what’s the point? If we’re on the same team attempting to get tasks completed, then why does there need to be competition? The negative energy on the former job annoyed me, and I couldn’t stand being around that type of energy on a team where the goal was to accomplish the assignment together. I’d rather work alone if that was the case, which was more ideal for me when dealing with that type of negative energy.
But Now
Now I don’t have to deal with that type of negative energy within that capacity anymore because I left. I saved myself from further grief, and I ended being within a toxic cycle that was never going to change. The longer I remained within that atmosphere, the longer I would have continued to suffer. There would have been very little relief if any. Also, I felt my health declining at an even faster rate. I didn’t feel mentally, physically, or psychologically well, and that simply wasn’t a good thing for me.
But now I’m free from that, and knowing what I learned from experience, that type of situation is never worth repeating again. I hope within my new work environment that things will be a lot better for me in terms of navigating the workspace. I can certainly hope so, for sure.
My Voice Unchained 