Many people assume that autism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can’t coexist because they seem contradictory. After doing much research on the two conditions and having experienced life with a mother who is both narcissistic and autistic, I’m coming to learn a lot about how these two conditions can operate in tandem with one person.
Autism is often associated with struggles in social interaction, emotional reciprocity, and empathy, while NPD is characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, and manipulative behaviors. However, the two can exist together in the same person.
There’s not a lot of mainstream research on the overlap between autism and NPD, but there are anecdotal reports and discussions within neurodivergent communities that suggest it happens.
Here are some key points to consider:
Different Types of Empathy
People with autism often struggle with cognitive empathy (understanding what others are feeling), but many still have emotional empathy (feeling what others feel). Narcissists, on the other hand, often have cognitive empathy but lack emotional empathy. Someone could have both conditions and struggle with emotional connection due to NPD while also struggling with social cues due to autism.
When I think about my mother, she’s never been an affectionate person at all, and she’s always seemed somewhat socially awkward within a group. Looking back, I could tell that she waited for cues to enter conversations, but if she was with someone one-on-one that she knew very well, like a good friend, then there was more comfortability in talking to that one person.
The times my mother showed affection always felt awkward, and I’d often look at her and could see her awkwardness. There were times when it felt like she tried, but there was simply no emotion behind her affection. My siblings and I would laugh because she’d be funny about her hugs to us. However, I’d take note that she seemed to have more of a connection with my brother than my other siblings or me, and her hugs with him seemed a lot more genuine.
Rigid Thinking & Control
Autistic individuals often have rigid thinking patterns and a need for control over their environment due to sensory sensitivities and anxiety. A narcissistic autistic person might display rigid, controlling behaviors, not just from autism but also from an inflated sense of superiority.
I’m autistic, and I can definitely say that I have rigid thinking patterns when it comes to scheduling and changes. I’ll never forget the time my longtime teaching assignment changed from teaching math to teaching math and science. I had an extremely difficult time with this change and nearly had a meltdown over it because it was a change in my normal way of doing things.
In terms of my mother who has very strong narcissistic traits and autistic traits, she’d have meltdowns too. If we moved anything out of place in the ‘red’ room, which was a living room with red furniture, we would get into serious trouble. That was the one room of the house that my mother controlled because it was the direct representation of her decor style when someone entered the home.
My mother would have a meltdown and sometimes go into a rage if we even walked into the room and stopped to linger to look at something. As children, we were never allowed in the “red” room unless we were going out the front door. Most times, she’d make us enter and leave through the back door just so that we were never in the “red” room. For the longest time even after my parents divorced, and my mother left the home, my dad wouldn’t even go into that room even though my mother took the furniture.
Social Struggles vs. Manipulation
While many autistic individuals struggle with social interactions due to difficulty understanding others, an autistic person with narcissistic traits might use learned social behaviors in a manipulative way, similar to how a neurotypical narcissist would.
When I think of my mother’s behaviors, I believe this is how she was able to navigate life within the neurotypical world and seemingly fit in, but when I look back at some of her connections, she didn’t like large gatherings either. She often asked clarifying questions in a 100 different ways only to get the same answer from people. Yet, she’d navigate her way through those environments to form connections with people she’d target even though I believe she was and is an introvert.
Masking & Identity Issues
Autistic individuals often “mask” (hide their natural behaviors to fit in), which can lead to identity struggles. If someone with autism also has NPD, their masking might not just be about fitting in but about curating a false self-image to gain admiration.
In terms of my mother, it’s clear she has both traits—autistic tendencies that have made her socially awkward and distant, and narcissistic traits that made her emotionally harmful and self-centered. This combination could explain why she was inconsistent in her treatment of my siblings and me, sometimes seeming to try but other times being cold or cruel.
My Voice Unchained 