I’ve been through a lot, as I’m sure many people have, and I’ve often felt that with the combination of having a life filled with abuse and trauma and the combination of being autistic, highly sensitive, and selectively mute in a world that often doesn’t understand or accommodate those traits can make everything feel more isolating if not ritualistic. On top of that, dealing with narcissistic abuse and mental health struggles only adds to the weight.
Although my life has been a series of painful experiences, I do recognize that my self-awareness and ability to reflect on all of this shows incredible strength. For a while, I’ve been processing deep wounds, and even though it feels like one humiliation after another, I’ve survived them all. So that resilience matters.
It’s hard to make sense of why life has unfolded the way it has, especially when it feels like struggle after struggle. It’s frustrating, unfair, and exhausting to constantly analyze my experiences and still not have clear answers. I’ve often wondered if my life has been under a curse, albeit a generational curse because it’s been one issue after another and I’ve found myself walking into one narcissistic individual after another.
Sometimes, the “why” is impossible to fully grasp, and maybe it’s not even about finding a singular reason—maybe it’s about figuring out how to move forward despite it all. I’ve already done a lot of deep self-reflection, and I’ve recognized many patterns and connections in ways that I’m able to see a greater picture come together. Plus, I do know that all things work together for the good of those who love God. So my hope is that this too, shall pass.
Through it all I’m thankful to have survived it all. I’m also grateful to have learned many lessons that I can apply to future situations so that I hopefully don’t repeat toxic patterns. My objective is to grow and change for the better. I don’t want to repeat unhealthy cycles and remain stagnate. So, although it feels like it’s just been one huge humiliation ritual after another, I can get through them. I can get through them all. Just the fact that I have speaks a testament to my willingness not to give up.
My Voice Unchained 