I Didn’t Know Until I Did

I Didn’t Know Until I Did

Death

I didn’t know that death had a look until I did. I saw it in the eyes. I remember seeing the look in the eyes of someone I instinctively knew was in their last moments of life. It was a far away look … a somewhat fixated stare. The person seemed to be looking right through me on to something else almost in a futuristic type of way. Their eyes made them appear as if they were blind, and there was a milky, cloudy look within the pupils of their eyes. I think I was at least three or four at the time I first experienced this and couldn’t explain to my dad how I knew this. I just knew. The first person I experienced this with died within three days of our visit. I’d go one to remember this look with others as well.

At the time, I’d only seen this look (death stare) with old age. I never saw this look with a younger person. With younger people, I’d go on to simply have encounters with them right before their death without ever knowing or realizing I was in their presence for the last time, but for the ones I distinctly remember, I’d always given them a hug, a smile, or some remark of encouragement for them to keep going in the days ahead. Then days, weeks, or a few months later, I’d learn of their deaths. I’d never see a distant look into a faraway place, but there was always a smile as if they were looking forward to brighter things. It was the way I wanted to remember them and the only way that I could remember them.

I didn’t know until I did …

The Ending of a Relationship

With every relationship I’ve ever had – whether it be friendship, romantic, church or work. I’ve always known long before the end that the end had come. Inside of me I’d feel a heartbreak that I couldn’t describe. It was a sinking feeling that signaled the end of a connection that may have actually never even been. This was always the case in my connections with narcissistic individuals. The time of grief I experienced wasn’t at all fleeting but stayed with me until I made the decision to step into the fact that the relationship was over.

I’d suffer a broken heart without ever being able to articulate how I knew the end had come. There was simply a finality, and the longer I remained in the situation with the person or organization, the harder it was for me to reconcile that there was a reason for me to remain. When I’d done all that I’d known to do to make things work out, I came to a place within me that the situation was done. It was then that I took steps to end it for the sake of closing the door and walking away for good.

As I matured, I grew to end relationships a lot quicker because of this “knowing” that the end had come. I couldn’t settle upon keeping those situations intact when the inevitable was always true. There was just too much evidence and confirmations that revealed to me that I needed to walk away, but I didn’t know until I did. By the time I knew, I had an assurance that it was okay to go my own way. “Nothing ventured; nothing gained”. I had to take the risk and simply let it all go no matter how much love I had for the person or people. Love wasn’t enough for me to keep things intact. Love was the reason I needed to let go so I could keep loving.

I didn’t know until I did …

Not One To Be Asked For Expertise

Despite having advanced degrees, loads of experience in certain fields, and a heap of knowledge about varying topics, I’m never the one that many will come to if they want questions answered unless they come to me when they are alone. Otherwise, there must be some paired or group decision that I’m not one to be asked for expertise.

I didn’t know for a long time why this would be the case until I did. Usually, I’d be second-guessed regarding even the smallest of things. Nothing I ever said would be taken as knowledge about any topic. It was as if my answers about things couldn’t be taken at face value. Either I was regarded as much too blunt, much too matter-of-fact, or much too aloof in my responses about answers to be taken seriously. I just never quite understood this.

However, after coming to understand that narcissistic individuals didn’t like to be upstaged and if I’d ever even done so nonchalantly or without even knowing, I’d suffer the consequences of being smeared that I was simply the one not to ask because I was too simple to know. Plus, I’ve a very detailed oriented person. Perhaps my wording of things makes the listener frustrated with my responses. I don’t know.

Yet, individuals are always quick to say they don’t understand me. Maybe that was the case, but I’d later come to find out that any answer coming from me simply wasn’t going to be accepted at truth or factual simply because I was the vessel who carried the response. I didn’t know until I did that this was simply the way that narcissists operated in getting information. They’d be so quick to challenge me only to get the same answer or even a less accurate or less detailed one for someone else.

I didn’t know until I did that I could never be a carrier of accurate or adequate information until I did learn the reason. Yet, I’m always the same with my delivery and always the same with my explanations. Ask me about a favorite topic I love researching, and I can tell you a lot about it. I might not do justice in explaining it as well with my communication issues but during times when a person is alone asking me for explanations, they always say I explain it so well. Yet, these same people with groups or someone else will act like they don’t comprehend my efforts of explanations.

I didn’t know until I did that I’d never be sought after as an expert of explanations. So, at some point, I’d find myself saying, “I don’t know”, “I’m probably not the one you should ask”, or I’d stay mute and simply give a shrug. It’s a fatiguing experience especially when I know … and sometimes have more to give as a response compared to others that might be turned to instead. This would frequently happen to me in the education world as if I was incompetent as an educator to give proper dialogue.

Particularly, during my final year as an educator, I dealt with this as an obstacle to my professionalism and expertise all the time. It was an affront as well as a microagression that was only remedied when I addressed it head-on in a meeting, but by then, I’d shut down with the colleagues who were always dismissive of me and my contributions and had decided to continue working towards excellence alone. It was an astounding moment to address this situation as it blew a lid off of some serious issues that seemed to always get swept under the rug. However, it was no less hurtful to experience it … to be deemed as incompetent by my peers.

On the other hand, though, I’ve had the opportunity to allow my character as an educator to precede me in everything to the point that I began to realize that it didn’t matter what someone thought of me in light of their personal issues of insecurities or in light of their need to dismiss my efforts. I had support by those where it really mattered, and it would be those voices that I’d allow to encourage me to continue to strive for excellence all along the way. The students and many of their parents were my number one supporters, and that’s all that mattered is that I showed how much of an advocate I was for them.

Yet, I didn’t know my expertise (or lack thereof) was a problem for others until I did …

A Solitary, Single Life

I didn’t know until I did that maybe solitary, single life was the pathway for my journey until I did. Although my journey is not at all linear, there has been one resounding fact. I’d just rather live a life of solitude. Mainly, this has resulted in me being single for much of my life. In an effort to be normal like others, I’d long for the days of romance and marriage too, but when I really took an introspective look at myself and thought about what I truly desired, being coupled with someone, being married and/or having a family didn’t seem to mesh with my true personality.

I’m not saying that I don’t want these things, but I’m truly okay if those things never happen. I’m content in being comfortable with myself, and I thoroughly enjoy my own company. I thrive on solo trips, and I long to return to my home as a sanctuary after work. Being around people can be draining. It’s not that I don’t like people. To the contrary! I actually love people, and I enjoy getting to know them on deep levels instead of the surface levels that I more often encounter than not. It’s just that my social battery drains very quickly, the longer I’m around people. I think it would be difficult for me to come home to a significant other or family and have the responsibility to remain on all the time. I often wonder how others do it – especially other neurodivergents.

Years ago, I spent an entire weekend with my niece and nephew, and by the first night, I was ready for them to go home. I was over it, and the social time was so overstimulating that I felt myself going into a meltdown that I seriously didn’t know if I could stop from occurring the longer my niece and nephew remained. When my dad arrived to pick them up, I had their things packed and was bringing them out the door to his dismay. He was puzzled by this because he wanted to visit for a while, but my social battery was depleted, and my need for solitude was a must if I wanted to continue to function.

I didn’t know until I did that it’s okay to be uniquely me and feel good in my own skin about being autistic. It’s okay for me to want solitude and require that solitude even more than the average person. I didn’t know until I did that it’s okay for my life to take a different path compared to other women my age. There are many people who live my type of life and find it enjoyable beyond the noise, and that’s okay. I didn’t know until I did that being content with my life even if others have a problem with it or even question it is not my business but theirs. I’m only responsible to change what doesn’t satisfy me.

I didn’t know until I did …

I Often Don’t Know Until I Do

I often don’t know a lot of things until I do. Whether it be through experience, trials and tribulations, someone telling me, or me seeking out for assistance that things are the way they are until they are not. It’s with this insightfulness that I often navigate my life, and those are the times that my gift of discernment about the things that I don’t know until I do become a necessity for me to navigate through this life. I often don’t know a lot of things until I do, and that’s been okay, and it will continue to be okay until I know until I don’t.