After a day of seemingly having attention focused on me as a newbie in training at my new job, I returned to work from one weekend to sense a subtle shift within the work environment. At this point in my life, I’ve learned to trust my instincts. Despite that subtle shift being so small that most people would likely dismiss it, my discernment caught the changes before the shift could fully manifest as soon as I walked into the building.
Something had changed within the work environment, and it was a mode that I was very familiar with from past experiences. I know patterns because I pay attention to them, and I know when I’m dealing with a possible narcissist. Why must they be everywhere I go though? It’s exasperating, and although I know they exist far more than most literature in psychology seems to statistically note, I’m tired of having to deal with them continuously.
I presumed that the energy within the work environment shifted because a coworker I’ll call Negative Nag made sure that it would shift in her favor. Prior to this particular weekend I had spent two days shadowing all of the coworkers on job tasks. The last day of the week, I was pretty much allowed to begin doing some things on my own. All attention seemed to be on me, but I was working and trying hard to understand and follow the procedures.
Negative Nag seemed to have a problem with me this entire day, although she didn’t directly come across this way to me on the surface. Yet, I could hear the negativity within her tone and knew that she was upset about a lot of things that had occurred with me. I assumed that she’d been accustomed to getting the attention in the office that I was getting from others even though I was in training. I think the specific issue was that she didn’t like the fact that one of the center directors seemed to be focused on attending to me specifically.
Interruptions Without Apology
I took note that Negative Nag interrupted me twice during the early part of the shift while I was in conversation with two different people. Yet, something about her behavior seemed as cold as ice, even before this interruption occurred. I instinctively knew that things were going to be off just based on what seemed like very subtle behaviors. Even Negative Nag’s demeanor was different. I could tell from her stiffness right away that something was “off” with her. She stood with an intense stiffness as if every muscle within her body was in an erect position for attack. Needless to say, with both interruptions, she never apologized or excused herself in the slightest.
The first time interruption occurred with Negative Nag talking about her outfit, and the person she began talking to, who was first talking to me, complimented her. Since the conversation was between the two of them, and Negative Nag had placed herself near me and had turned her back to me, I didn’t say a word. It was clear to me that I was not a part of the conversation any longer. Any conversation between the coworker and me had been quickly annulled. So I went back to working and basically minding my business. Yet, for whatever reason, I could discern there was a song and dance going on which I’d become accustomed to in the past, but as with many other times, I didn’t care to indulge to learn the tune or routine.
The second interruption was the same, but there was a silence that engulfed the space that Negative Nag invaded with her presence. This time, the center director was talking to me – basically making small talk about the past weekend. When Negative Nag walked up and interrupted, she didn’t even excuse herself. She simply began talking as if a conversation wasn’t already going on. The center director seemed to be taken aback but didn’t say anything. It was an awkward moment where we both seemed to be waiting on something … like an apology or excuse from Negative Nag for her rudeness, but there wasn’t one.
Instead of being able to go back to the original conversation, Negative Nag began talking to the center director about something else. I was sitting down, and based on the conversation that Negative Nag began, I knew there was no going back to an original conversation. Yet again, I had been dismissed from a conversation because of her interruption. So I turned away and went back to work. During this time, Negative Nag began to lightly bump into my chair, but the entire time, she never said a word. She didn’t apologize or excuse herself. She actually behaved as if I wasn’t there – invisible but literally sitting in the chair. So, I pulled the chair from her direction but never turned to look at her.
Instinctively, I knew this passive aggressive behavior that Negative Nag was displaying very well and discerned that she was angry about something. However, I didn’t waste any time trying to figure out her issues. I simply refocused my attention back to work. I didn’t even acknowledge her presence outside of her attempts to get my attention with the chair bumps, but I knew she wanted a reaction from me based on her behaviors. Since I’d been down this road so many times before with other narcissistic individuals, I took a deep sigh within myself and shook my head, thinking, “LORD, you’ve got to be kidding me! Not this again!”
Lunchtime Drama
Later on during lunch, I went to my usual spot to retreat away from the overstimulation of the environment. I retreated to a vacant room with a table where I kept the lights off because of the sensitivity my eyes had to the bright lights of the office and the computer screen. Within the dimly lit room, I was able to see because of the natural light coming in through the window blinds, and it was a quiet place for me to eat and have some private down time. However, a friend of Negative Nag came into the room to ask me if I wanted company. Mind you, this friend had never done this before. They usually ate lunch with Negative Nag.
Not wanting to be rude, however, I invited the friend of Negative Nag to sit down. After all, I was the new hire. I didn’t own the room even though there were other vacant rooms to use. I also didn’t want to come off as standoffish even though I really wanted to be alone. I could have simply said this, but I was open to getting to know my coworkers as well. I simply thought within myself that I’d be better the next time eating inside my car. Before long, Negative Nag came in to join us, and what I had hoped to be a peaceful lunch quickly changed because of her moodiness.
I could instantly tell Negative Nag was irritated and offended with me. When she sat down, she immediately said, with a sound of offense in her voice, “I thought you liked eating alone?” as she looked at her friend. I said, “I do”. Yet, before I could finish my response, she added with a whiney voice, “You never eat with us.” Then I responded, “I already told you before that all the bright lights hurt my eyes. That’s the only reason I choose to sit in the dark at lunch. Most people like eating with the lights on. I wouldn’t want to disrupt anyone’s lunch just to accommodate me. So I choose to eat elsewhere. Plus, alone time at lunch helps me recharge for the next half of our day.”
Negative Nag’s friend interjected something about the brightness of the lights to smooth the interaction between Negative Nag and me. He must have sensed the tension I could feel, and the tension wasn’t my own. I was simply explaining the reason for choosing to eat alone. The friend was aiming to please, and although what was said took the edge off, it didn’t change the fact that Negative Nag was in a terrible mood. My thoughts immediately cautioned me, “Watch, and remember, her issues are not your issues. You don’t owe her any explanations, and you don’t owe her your presence either. Leave!” So I ate my lunch, interacted in conversation where it seemed appropriate, and then politely excused myself when I was done with my lunch to spend the rest of my time in my car.
Being encircled by drama was not the way I ever wanted to spend my lunch hour. I needed that hour alone to recharge my social battery, and as often as I ate alone, and as often as others ate alone, I didn’t understand why my choice to remain in solitude would be a problem. In fact, all other coworkers ate their lunches individually, with the exception of Negative Nag and her friend. They always ate lunch together, and in the beginning, I was invited to eat with them a few times too, but immediately regretted my decision to continue doing so because I wanted to carve out some time to take care of myself. I definitely need that hour of free time to recharge.
In fact, since I began this job, I most often ate lunch alone. I wasn’t exactly sure why it was such a problem for Negative Nag. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, and I wasn’t trying to be a killjoy, but I didn’t feel like having to continuously explain myself to adults regarding something I’d already explained to them before. They prided themselves on being former educators. So I didn’t presume them to lack understanding of something I believed was so simple. In the beginning, I was certain they understood and wouldn’t react to me as if it was a big deal, despite the fact that others ate alone all the time as well. In fact, I took note that things began to gradually change with lunch time where these two and a triangulated flying monkey was concerned, and it all had to do with my need for solitude during lunch.
Needless to say, I knew instinctively what was happening, but I was not going to give in to it. I wasn’t about to play into the games. I was not about to have Negative Nag ruin my entire lunch hour with her negative behaviors. I was not going to allow her or her friend to control what my lunch hour could be with what I considered to be their nuisance behaviors. Why couldn’t I just be left alone? What was the real harm in me choosing to eat alone? Why couldn’t they just mind what they were doing already? No one seemed to care about my lunch habits in the very beginning. I was free to be and do me. I was free to be in my car, free to leave for lunch, or free to stay, but something had changed all that when my lunchtime became all about drama.
So it’s happening again!
Later on during the work day, I’d come to experience more of Negative Nag’s behaviors that I decided to ignore. I realized she was becoming more unsettled by my presence, despite her claims to really like me and take gladness in the fact that I was there. Her actions throughout this particular day had shown me otherwise. On more than one occasion during my time shadowing her, I side-eyed her subtle but antagonistic comments about something I did or said. Prior to this day, she’d not reacted to me in such a way that I needed to question her sincerity (even though something about her personality stayed on my radar).
If I thought Negative Nag was going to let up on her interruptions, I was wrong. She continued to interject herself in conversations that someone else would have with me. When I shadowed her for training, she was very helpful, but there was something restrained within her. With all those interruptions against me, I found it interesting that she was actually more subdued with me. It was as if she didn’t really want to talk to me but did so to keep up an appearance. After all, the supervisors were kind to me. So if she wasn’t kind, that would seem off, and she had to keep one of the supervisors under her thumb.
I knew what it was though, and it was later that this “thing” I discerned about her would arise. In fact, I’d already seen signs of “it” lurking within Negative Nag’s physical demeanor. For starters, there was an air of superiority in the way that she postured her body, and from time to time, there’d be a slight microexpression which appeared on her face in the form of an miniscule smirk. It was so slight that an untrained eye wouldn’t see it, but once you experience a narcissistic smirk, no matter how small, you cannot unsee it. You know it’s there. That smirk seemed to be etched into her entire face. Even when she smiled, I could see the smirk in her eyes and hear it in her voice as she explained certain processes about the job to me.
Nevertheless, when I later shadowed Negative Nag’s friend on job tasks, the center supervisor joked that the friend would now have someone to talk to (me), and this set Negative Nag off! In fact, she yelled out on the defensive, “What am I? Chopped liver!?! I’m someone to talk to. We talk all the time. He’s not lonely.” Oddly, I could hear the hurt in her voice. It was apparent that she might have felt that my presence was overshadowing her in some way. Attention that may have once been hers during those hours of work had now turned to me. In fact, any time the supervisors or other coworkers mentioned what would happen to me over time as I experienced things on the job, Negative Nag always chimed in, “At one time, that was me too!”
I was new and in training. It wasn’t like I was purposefully seeking any attention or trying to take Negative Nag’s place. Yet, her reactions were ultimately her way of lashing out at me, even if passive aggressively. From the interruptions to the bumping into my chair, she’d spent much of the day asserting her dominance in the work space. She was silently, but passively aggressively making it known that the entire workspace belonged to her. Yet, I have no desire to compete, and I have nothing to prove. I was hired by a contracted company to do a specific job in this workspace – a job that she once did in the past.
While being trained by Negative Nag, I was certain she had wanted and searched for my reaction from her previous actions, but I never gave her one. I just stared at her when she’d say something to me that seemed to be undercutting in a way that was made not to be proven on the surface. I don’t even think I smiled. I just allowed my eyes to careen over her face as I studied her expressions, her demeanor, and the intonations of her voice. Because I am uncomfortable with long gazes of eye contact, I usually take in a person’s behavior when they are talking to me but never when I am talking to them. I tend to look away so that I can see what I’m saying (if that makes sense).
Yet, during the moments with Negative Nag, I made a realization that I’d often discovered with narcissistic individuals who’d been in my life in the past. Negative Nag was certainly no different. In early conversations on topics of psychology, she actually talked about narcissism, and asked me what I knew about the topic … if I’d heard of the catch-phrases that are often used to describe such situations with narcissists. When I opened up a plethora of information, she was surprised, and I could tell that I’d piqued her interests. In my normal, often gullible way of acceptance, I wanted to believe that she was different.
No sooner than she realized I knew and understood a lot about narcissist that she primed herself to ask me if I thought she was a narcissist. Who does that? I’d have to say it’s someone who often knows enough about themselves to know they are often the problem in all their relationships and figures they might actually be one. It’s often someone who probably call themselves a self-aware narcissist. However, I knew this wouldn’t be the case with her. She even framed her story to say that she’s often misunderstood and simply speaks her mind about things, which certain types of people hate.
Even then, I didn’t take her bait and said I didn’t think she was a narcissist because at the time, I didn’t know her … we’d just met. Besides, telling a narcissist that they are, in fact, a narcissist does very little to change anything. All it does is set the target up to be one who brings defamation to the character of another. If I had said I thought she was a narcissist, my story at this workplace would more than likely already be over. Although I don’t play chess, I’m a strategist. I know when someone’s running a game on me, and because I’ve been blessed with discernment, I know to keep myself many moves ahead if anyone expects me to make a chess move.
The Things To Come
By the end of the weekend from work, I should have known I’d be stepping into a realm of Negative Nag’s wrath. The subtle shifts from my first few days of training had set me up for seeing what I was up against, and there was bound to be some type of earthquake to shake me back into reality. This was a different type of environment, and I still had a lot more to learn! This time around, I was ready … tired, but still ready, nonetheless. I’d faced many narcissistic individuals, what’s one more, right? Both the fortunate and unfortunate part of this story was/is that there was/is more to come.
Stay tuned for Part 2 …
My Voice Unchained 