Are they fully invested in me?

Since I’ve been working on my new job, I’ve not felt that management has been fully invested in me. For starters, I received one week of training for onboarding that wasn’t really training at all. It was a day of the supervisor I refer to as Jabbin’ Super, someone from human resources, and an overall manager going over a powerpoint presentation about company policy. The rest of the week was spent watching video lessons. By the time I was sent to the job site I was assigned to, I was pretty abreast on company expectations.

Then I spent nearly three weeks in complete boredom doing absolutely nothing but sitting in my assigned cubicle watching the time go by as I tried to focus my attention on more onboarding assignments through a series of bright lights, loud conversations throughout the office, and more stimulation than my nervous system could handle.

As much time as I’d spent in an educational setting, I should have been accustomed to such changes, but I did have a bit of control over my environment. I was also able to create for myself accommodations that work to reduce being overstimulated within the environment. I couldn’t create my own accommodations here. I simply had to adjust to a new way of working, and it was a little hard for me.

Needless to say, I felt myself withering away within my cubicle attempting to make my time at work a little less boring. I took notes, I watched videos, I took breaks, and I took the time to make cordial conversation with my center supervisors and coworkers. For a time, I felt things were good and that I was within my niche as much as a niche for me could be, and this had not been my experience on the previous job (according to some psychologists and neurodivergents).

I’d wondered if there was something about me that was off-putting even when I’m usually quiet. Although I do express myself when I need to, I’ve discovered that I’m actually quite a talkative person when there are discussions about my interests. I’ll chime in when I don’t feel muted into feeling frozen to share anything, but within this environment, I’ve been most at ease. I’d found it much easier to express myself, and that was good for me. Normally, I’ve felt shut down on past jobs.

Needless to say, I took notice of my autistic traits and discovered that others notice my autistic traits too even though they don’t fully grasp that what they are experiencing with me are autistic traits. Although I’ve said nothing about them, outside of a conversation I did have with Negative Nag and her friend (which I now realize was a terrible mistake on my part since my traits are now being weaponized against me), my coworkers have pointed some things out to me.

Not Becoming Bogged Down

For starters, I’d been wondering if the center supervisors and my main supervisor were truly invested in me as an employee. I’d been on the job for a while, and I hadn’t been formerly trained regarding anything about the specifics of my job. The onboarding lessons had to do with company policy – not the job itself. So I found myself asking lots of questions to simply understand what it was that I was supposed to be doing.

I’m the type of person that needs detailed instructions on how to do things. Tell me, and I might learn something. Show me, and I will learn a lot more. Guide me through it, and I will not ask any more questions. I wasn’t receiving any of this from anyone, and I started to feel a bit of angst. I don’t like sitting still for absolutely no reason. I was hired to do a particular job, and I wanted to do it, but everyone seemed to be dragging their feet to get me started on actually working.

My approach is about always seeing and understanding the bigger picture. When I ask clarifying questions, I’m only trying to understand. If I only have a piece of the puzzle, I’m going to research to find the peace that’s missing as well as the reason it’s missing. Some people don’t like these types of questions. Most of the people within this office don’t like my types of questions, except for the two coworkers who’ve been labeled as space cadets. Like me, they ask lots of questions, and I realize it’s because more clarification is needed on their part too.

When someone shuts me down by telling me “Don’t become bogged down with the specifics”, it comes across to me as an insult. I get the sense that management doesn’t want me to see the full picture; they underestimate my ability to grasp it, or they’re testing whether I’ll comply without pushing back. Of course, within this setting, I’ve come to experience all three.

I believe shutting me down is all about whether management wants me to think critically within this workspace or just go through the motions. If they were fully invested in me, they’d welcome my curiosity, but I know for the most part, it’s all about the work. Yet, at the same time, if it were really about the work, I’d be actually doing the work. I haven’t been doing any work at all. I’ve barely received thorough enough training to be fully prepared for the work. It’s like a being set up to fail.

My actual job assignment for this position was vacant a little over a year, and now that I’ve come into the position, I’ve been waiting for close to two months to actually begin the work I’m supposed to do. I’m still getting paid, and it has been a peaceful transition from the previous toxic workplace I endured for a year and a half. Yet, that honeymoon period of absolute peace from drama did wear off eventually as I found myself in the path of a person who seems intent on breaking my stride.

I won’t fret, however. If the company doesn’t have full investment in me for the job for the long-term, then I won’t fret about the small stuff in the office. It’s never my plan to indulge in workplace politics and drama anyway. I just want to work. The job itself just seems filled with busyness, and some of the components of the job are actually fairly easy. There’s just a lot of components. I figure that once I become acclimated to my position, it won’t matter how much the person I refer to as Negative Nag and her friend attempt to rail their acute sessions of drama against me.

Are they fully invested in me?

For the moment, it doesn’t appear that there is any investment in me. There’ve been times where I’ve felt cast aside and even invisible. There have been days where I’ve sat in my cubicle and never interacted with anyone. Those are the days I placed boundaries around myself to stay out of any drama I sensed within the atmosphere. Other days, I’ve been front and center with assisting others as a part of my job duties when my other assigned tasks are light.

I can’t say that I’m fully invested either. In fact, I gave myself a 30 day check-in, and if I hadn’t received the training that I believe I needed to get started on the next steps, I was going to put in my resignation. I’ve already applied to other jobs. When the 30 day check-in came around, it was the same day I was scheduled for another step of training. So, I’m only invested as much as the company is invested in me, even though I’m keeping my strategies about my time on the job to myself.

I’ll see what happens as things unfold … and I’ll keep you updated on this new journey.

Until the next post … may peace be with you.