Bullies, especially those with narcissistic traits, thrive on reactions. They want your energy. Whether it’s anger, fear, defensiveness, or even long explanations, this “narcissistic supply” is a bully’s fuel. When you learn to stop feeding it, you don’t just take back your power, you also protect your peace.
Here are practical ways to deprive a bully of the reaction they’re looking for:
1. Go “Gray Rock”
Think of yourself as a dull, uninteresting stone. Keep your tone flat, your answers short, and your emotions minimal.
- Instead of engaging in debate, try: “I see.” or “Noted.”
- Over time, your lack of drama makes you less appealing as a target. You’ll either be left alone for a time, or cause the bully and their flying monkeys to strategize a new game place (which seems to be the issue in my current situation).
2. Set Clear Boundaries (and Hold Them)
Bullies push until you break. The key is clarity and consistency.
- State your boundary once: “I’m not discussing this further.”
- Don’t justify or over-explain.
- If they press, repeat calmly and disengage. In fact, I’m finding in my current situation, it’s best to leave them on a physical “read” like you would someone in a text message when you don’t want to respond. I say what I need to say and then walk off or look away, thereby, cutting the conversation off and not going back to it or them.
3. Limit Exposure
When possible, reduce how much contact you have.
- Keep interactions short and focused only on necessary tasks.
- In professional settings, use email or written communication to maintain a record and avoid unnecessary confrontations.
- Online, log off when your task is complete. Don’t linger in hostile spaces. For instance, I have shared activities online with virtual coworkers, and because I’ve felt a growing sense that I’m being virtually monitored, I complete whatever task I need to do and close out the activity as soon as I’m done.
4. Don’t Defend, but Redirect
Defensiveness is fuel. Instead of explaining yourself, pivot to what actually matters.
- Bully: “You always do this wrong.”
- You: “What’s the next step you’d like me to take?”
This shifts the focus away from the personal attack and back to the task.
5. Stay Grounded in Yourself
Before responding, pause. Breathe. Remind yourself: “Their behavior reflects them, not me.”
If you need an anchor, repeat something like:
- “My spirit is untouchable.”
- “I don’t have to engage.”
These small acts keep you centered while their storm rages.
6. Stop the Loop Before It Starts
Narcissists love circular arguments. These are the endless back-and-forth arguments that leave you drained. Don’t play the game.
- Try: “We’ve already covered this. I’m moving on.”
Then move on.
7. Protect Your Energy Above All
The real win isn’t out-arguing a bully. It’s protecting your own peace. At first, they may escalate when they notice they’re losing their grip. But with consistency, they’ll often shift focus elsewhere when they realize you won’t give them what they crave.
⚠️ Note: If the bullying becomes harassment or abuse, you don’t have to face it alone. Document incidents, involve HR or leadership (although you might find in toxic workplaces, HR and/or leadership are the last people you want to reach out to because they aren’t going to help you), or seek external support if needed (which may be the only thing you can do). Your well-being comes first.
Final Thought
Depriving a bully of narcissistic supply doesn’t mean silencing yourself. Doing so means choosing when, where, and how to use your voice. It’s not about winning their game. It’s about refusing to play it, and reclaiming your energy for the parts of life that truly matter.
My Voice Unchained 