When Manipulation Meets Stillness
One of the questions I’ve asked myself many times is this: Do bullies and manipulators ever actually give up – or do they just take breaks, waiting to circle back when you least expect it?
From my experience, the answer is both. Sometimes they do move on, realizing you won’t give them the emotional payoff they’re looking for. Other times, they retreat temporarily, only to return when they think you’re vulnerable. But here’s the part that matters most: Your power isn’t in whether they stop – it’s in how unmoved you become in the face of their tactics.
The Lunch Lady Lesson
At my current workplace, I experienced something that summed this up perfectly.
One day, the lunch lady went around to every cubicle and office, asking what everyone wanted for lunch. She skipped me entirely. No question, no acknowledgment. Just a deliberate exclusion. I wasn’t outwardly moved by it. I carried on with my day, went out for lunch on my own as I normally would, and let the silence of my reaction speak for me.
About a week later, something unexpected happened. That same lunch lady came up to me while I was working and set down a pile of candy wrapped in a paper towel next to my keyboard. She told me she thought I might like some.
I didn’t eat it. Two past experiences of being poisoned by coworkers taught me better than that, but I thanked her politely and tucked it aside. What struck me wasn’t the candy itself, but what it represented. This was a peace offering. An apology without the words, a way of smoothing over the shame that had lingered from the earlier exclusion. I had carried on without outward reaction, and it hadn’t landed the way the bully, Negative Nag, or her mob group of flying monkeys, had wanted.
But then came the reenactment. Another coworker, Negative Nag, suddenly began loudly complaining that the lunch lady had skipped her when handing out candy. She pouted and made a scene, dragging on her complaint for nearly 15 minutes, even drawing the supervisor into the act. It was obvious to me: This was a replay of my experience, staged for performance, with the roles reversed.
And yet, the takeaway wasn’t the candy or the staged drama. It was this: Because I had remained even-keeled, not giving them the emotional reaction they craved, the script had flipped. They were the ones performing, overcompensating, and trying to wring out a reaction that never came.
Why Manipulators Push Against Boundaries
Manipulators ignore your time boundaries, your emotional boundaries, even your physical space, because boundaries threaten their control. If you can’t be easily moved, you can’t be easily used. That’s why exclusion, reenactments, and tantrums become tools. They’re fishing for cracks in your calm.
But when you hold steady, you force them to see their tactics for what they are: empty performances.
What I Learned
- Exclusion was meant to sting. My neutrality took away its power.
- The candy was a peace offering. A silent admission that the tactic hadn’t landed.
- The reenactment was desperation. A way to replay the script to see if they could force a different reaction.
- My stillness was the answer. When I didn’t give them the emotional payoff, their efforts became wasted energy.
So, do bullies ever give up? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But whether they come back or not becomes irrelevant when you’ve learned to stop feeding the performance. The real freedom comes when their tactics no longer define your emotional state.
My Voice Unchained 