Performative exclusion is when people pretend to include you, but only in ways that highlight your outsider status. It’s not outright rejection. It’s subtle, strategic, and staged so they can say, “See, we included you!” while ensuring you’re still left out.
It’s exclusion dressed up in politeness.
How Performative Exclusion Shows Up at Work
- Invites That Aren’t Real Invites
You get invited to an event, but the time or place is set for when they know you can’t attend. They get the optics of inviting you without the reality of having you there. My example: Lunch outings scheduled on days I’m not in the office. If I do attend, the ringleader (Negative Nag) and others conveniently drop out, leaving one token person behind to cover the tracks. - Public Planning, Private Excluding
Plans are discussed out loud in your presence – not to invite you, but to make sure you overhear them. It’s exclusion used as performance, designed to create discomfort. My example: Negative Nag orchestrating outings loudly, making sure I hear the plans but don’t get the genuine invite. - Token Gestures
They include you once or twice just enough to cover themselves – while making it obvious they don’t actually want you there. My example: The time I showed up to lunch and Negative Nag was visibly rattled, physically blocking me from sitting near her while putting on a fake “bigger person” act and a fake smile. - Performative Kindness as Punishment
They offer you something in public (like a hug, candy, or invitation) not out of sincerity, but to make a point, highlight your refusal, or shame you for your boundaries. My example: The hug-happy coworker who, after I set a boundary, exaggeratedly hugged everyone else in front of me to spotlight your exclusion.
Why People Use Performative Exclusion
- Optics: They want to look inclusive and “nice,” especially to outsiders, managers, or anyone who might notice.
- Control: It gives the instigator the upper hand – deciding who’s in, who’s out, and on what terms.
- Punishment: It’s a way to punish you for being different, standing up for yourself, or setting boundaries.
- Narrative Control: They get to spin the story: “We invited her, she just never comes” – when in reality, the “invites” are traps.
How to Handle Performative Exclusion
- Call It for What It Is (Privately, Not Performatively). You don’t need to confront every move, but naming it for yourself keeps you from gaslighting yourself into believing you’re imagining it.
- Stop Playing Along. If they aren’t genuine, you don’t owe participation.
- Own Your Boundaries with Confidence. You don’t need to bend because someone weaponizes your boundary.
- Detach from the Optics Game. Performative exclusion only works if you buy into the “appearance.” When you stop caring about how it looks and focus on what it is, you starve it of power.
Final Thought
Performative exclusion is more insidious than open rejection because it plays with appearances and can leave you second-guessing yourself. But once you see the tactic clearly, you realize:
It’s not about you being unworthy of inclusion. It’s about them needing control of the story.
And the best antidote? Living so authentically in your own lane that their performance no longer matters.
My Voice Unchained 