One of the effects of narcissistic abuse is the tendency to remain within toxic environments for too long. When I think about my own personal life, I went from growing up within a narcissistic environment to constantly finding myself within the same type of environments when I grew up and left home.
Unfortunately, this effect can take a long time to overcome. Some survivors of narcissistic abuse fair better in this area, while it make take others a little longer to master overcoming this effect. Healing and recovery is indeed a journey. It’s not an overnight process of change, and it does take time to break free even if one has experienced being within these types of environments more than once.
I’d think that the moment I was hired on the job I currently have, I would have left shortly thereafter. I had that choice. However, it’s not as simple as that for me. I have a lot of fears that I’m still working to overcome. Not that any of my abilities or lack thereof are excuses, but they are my reality, and I must navigate through this life with them everyday.
As a neurodivergent, I’ve found it difficult to navigate throughout the course of my life a smooth transition through the waters of change. I’m not even a good swimmer in real life. I can’t even naturally stay afloat. If I do swim, I swim for survival because there is no other way. In fact, I’m still learning to successfully keep my arms and legs in motion. How crazy is that?!?
I’d say that in terms of my personal journey, it’s been hard to transition in and out of workplaces because once I’ve been hired somewhere, I have a tendency to dig in my heels and remain as long as I possibly can since I tend to view my place of work as a “divine calling” for my life. I’m always believing that there must be a reason for me to be anywhere that I am and that I can’t just quit once I’ve started because it doesn’t make sense.
I guess I’m still working to change that frame of thinking that tells me I need to be patient in toxic environments because all environments have some toxicity since I’m dealing with a diverse group of people from all walks of life. Plus, leaving a place I’ve decided to settle upon is difficult for me to do. I’m a person of routine, and once I set a routine for myself, it is very difficult for me to break. This characteristic may be because of, or despite, my being on the spectrum for autism.
I tend to work within workplaces for a long time even when there are some aspects of the job I do not like. In fact, I strongly believed that my footsteps were ordered by God when it came to a previous career, and I didn’t love many of the aspects of that job at all even though I was working in an area of great need and felt a bit of fulfillment and joy in various ways. Yet, when I felt I wanted to leave, the time wasn’t right (quite a few times actually), however, when it was time to leave, I pondered after the fact if I had remained to long. God does give me the choice.
Even so, I find myself in that position again. Yet, this time, I know I’ve remained on this current job for too long, and I haven’t even celebrated my one year anniversary yet. In fact, I saw my first red flag the day of orientation and experienced the second red flag my first day of actual work. It wouldn’t take long for many more red flags to follow, but I still remained. It’s not even the people keeping me there. It’s all me.
My perception of reality is not distorted, and I am not missing any signals. I see very clearly what’s going on, but in some ways, I remain immobilized as if I am stuck and cannot move even when I will myself to do so. I am not doubting any experiences or occurrences of narcissistic abuse. I keep a journal of all my experiences. When I grow too tired to care any longer, I stop journaling. I know there will be no change.
I am now at that point. I don’t keep a record of all negative occurrences anymore. I just keep a record of what I feel are the most pertinent in case I decide to file a report. Perhaps I’ve been in so many narcissistic environments that I feel unworthy enough to believe I deserve better treatment. Yet, I know I deserve better despite the actions of a few within this corporation.
I am not emotionally dependent upon anyone on this job. I have not made connections in that way. I’ve made no friends – just working acquaintances. I don’t share anything about my personal life even when someone seeks for information. I keep it all superficial. I learned the hard way from my last place of employment that, for the most part, most coworkers are not meant to be friends.
I suppose I had hope for change when new team leads, coaches, and managers arrived and the other more toxic team leads, coaches, and managers left. Yet, the change I had anticipated hasn’t been enough, especially when more negative changes have simply made a fairly easy job that much more tedious and undesirable to do.
For the most part, I have been a proponent for positive change and results. I have been an advocate for myself. I don’t fear retaliation or threats from anyone. I realize that those in power will do what they want to do, but that won’t change my desire for justice and for the wrong I see to be set aright. I don’t even care about being the target of a mob. I’m already isolated because of the quirks of my personality. So, I’m already standing apart – at a distance.
I can imagine life without this job which is why I’m silently making plans for change. However, change doesn’t come quickly, and that’s my only problem. I cannot willfully and quickly funnel the employment that I need to get out. The present inflation has limited my abilities to want to financially stand on my own without this job’s revenue as a cushion. Therein lies my real problem. I tell myself that if money were no object, I would have never entertained working at this corporation in the first place, but then again, I always believe God is my guide.
What does that even mean? Am I saying God led me to this toxic place? Perhaps … maybe so. Maybe there was more that I needed to learn about myself. Not that I’m an expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, but I know enough to know that all that I’ve experienced within this environment only mirrors all that I’ve experienced elsewhere. It’s been incredibly enough to show me that the characteristics of this disorder are unchanging and that the toxicity within these environments only grows ever worse.
So, leaving the toxicity is not so difficult for me. It’s merely having to tolerate it another day when I have no choice because I need to sustain the revenue. So, it’s not always simply that easy to walk away from toxicity and abuse when there are so many factors that affect the ability to do so. So for a bit longer, I will put up with as much as I can stand and dissociate myself away from the rest of it.
Presently, working my current job has been me when shutting myself off to keep from becoming like the product of this toxic work environment because I don’t want to be unhappy like so many of the other coworkers. I don’t want to be miserable even though I’m silently suffering physical maladies brought on by the physical demands of the job. It’s no longer worth talking about it to anyone in leadership because they don’t care.
There is no support. There is no one who seems to care about breaking a toxic cycle. Not that I know what other coworkers are dealing with, but I see many of them remain, and when I hear them respond to my curious questions about their own desires for work fulfillment, I know that they are content with things even within toxicity or that they have just resigned to settling for it all because they also know nothing will ever change.
One particular workday not too long ago, I had physically picked up what I metaphorically saw as the last heavy load and dealt with one particular narcissistic coworker’s deviant behavior one too many. I was internally done with this job and had grabbed the last and final straw. It was over for me. I had reached a finality. I felt dead inside. The life I once had on this job is now gone, and my emotions are spent. I’m preparing to cut ties. Indeed, they are already severed. It’s the kind of life I’ve already been accustomed to living over and over again. I don’t know for certain, but I’d say if you’re reading, maybe you can understand.
My Voice Unchained 