Narcissists Aim To Succeed

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The narcissist has no shame in the game. The hoovering techniques of the narcissist are endless, and the narcissist will stop at nothing to obtain narcissistic supply.

Try Again

Here rings a tune within my head from 90s R&B singer, Aaliyah. “If at first you don’t succeed, then dust yourself off and try again …” Hmm … No sooner than I had decided to not accept a friend request on social media from the narcissist I almost married over 20 years ago, here he was again – dusting himself off to try again.

Whoever said narcissists cycle into a final discard of their victims to never bother them again had not had any experiences with the narcissists that had invaded my life. I thought my rejection of this narcissist’s marriage proposal to me was enough to close the door on him for good, but no sooner than I had closed it, he was attempting to hoover me within days after he married his new bride who was also a mother-to-be. That was over 20 years ago. Fast forward to the progression of the pandemic last year, and the narcissist decided to hoover back onto the scene after a very long hiatus away from me.

As I stated in the last post, the way in which the narcissist reappeared into my life from the past whenever he wanted to hoover me had a distinct pattern. In the past he first sent someone to scope out the seen with me whether it be a messenger or someone to hook me with information to test my reaction. Next he resorted to writing notes and leaving them for me to find in obvious places. Then he contacted me by phone before finally making an in-person appearance. Fast forward to the present, and that pattern has not changed at all. His tactics to hoover me back are the same.

Last spring, whenever I received a notification of the narcissist’s friend request, I decided not to accept it. There was enough drama from four other narcissistic people in my life at the time, and I did not want nor need any additional stress. In many ways, the pandemic enabled me to catch my breath with time away from the regular routine of life. I worked from home, and I enjoyed more time to myself than I had experienced in a very long time. There was also downtime from the stress of dealing with four narcissistic people – three of whom I worked with – and I did not want to break those moments of peace. So, not accepting the narcissist’s friend request was a no-brainer. Yet, I would still not be prepared for what happened next.

Hoover Me With A Friend

I had long accepted friend requests from groups of people from my hometown years ago, and anytime more requests would come, I would accept them without thinking. After all, these were people that I grew up with and went to school with for years. However, after paying attention to the fact that more than half of these “friends” never actually “talked” to me in the past or on social media, never responded to any messages or posts that I had engaged in to pursue positive and light conversation, occasionally sided against me over private matters involving my narcissistic family, and frequently shunned me out of group posts, I stopped interacting on social media unless it was on specific platforms where I was not friends with any of these people.

So, if I ever received a message or was tagged on a post from someone out of the blue, I was always suspicious. What was the motive behind messaging me or tagging me in a post when there is never any interaction with me on social media (or outside of social media) at all? You think I don’t trust people? You’re right. I don’t. I grew up in a narcissistic family where trust bred contempt and frequent breaks to my heart. Besides needing to severe ties with the narcissist I almost married, I also desired and needed freedom away from my narcissistic family.

Breaking away from my narcissistic family also meant being careful about the ties I create on social media. I have no idea about the intention behind someone’s message nor post because of the high level of drama that has been induced by my narcissistic family members with mutually known people. It never ceases to amaze me the extent to which my family will go to ensure that they find out information about me. So, I am always suspicious of possible third-party associates who contact me through social medial. Anyone from my hometown is always suspect.

Thus, when a guy from my hometown sent me a message via social media, I was somewhat suspicious. Although the guy and I attended the same high school, we were never a part of the same social circles. Once I graduated high school, I left for college and young-adult life living. When I returned to live in my hometown for a few years, I was isolated within a narcissistic relationship with the narcissist I almost married; therefore, there was never a time that I had ever communicated with the guy who messaged me.

At first, the guy began with simple messages like “hello … It’s been a long time … How are you? … Yadda yadda yadda … Blah blah blah. I responded each time with short replies. I was not rude, but since I did not know him, I had very little interest in chitchat. In my mind, I was thinking “Hey. It’s good to hear from you. You’re good. I’m good. It’s all good. Have a nice life. Let me get back to my life, and you can get back to yours” because that is my idea of catching up with someone I once knew, but I did not even know him to know him from the past. He was not even even a close acquaintance!

It soon became pretty clear that this guy was interested in having more than a little social media reunion of pleasantries. He wanted to have dialogue. For what reason? At no time have we ever been friends. We were not even close associates. As far as I could see, my life was none of his business … not in the past, not now, and not in the future. I can understand wanting to know what has happened to a person from over 30 years ago, but this guy’s questions went from common questions to intrusive questions in a 0 to 60 rate of progression. I immediately became anxious because the energy of his messages rubbed me the wrong way.

Sure, this guy and I grew up in the same hometown, but the same hometown is all that we had in common. I do not share the details of my life with strangers. I hardly share the details of my life with “friends” (because most are narcissistic). I especially do not share the details of my life with my narcissistic family members. I had become so angst with this guy’s line of questioning that I passively-aggressively shut down and halted on further communication with him. I simply stopped responding.

He was relentless in finding out information, however, and this bothered me tremendously. I was somewhat afraid because I did not know what this person was capable of doing. Yet, since I rarely visit my hometown and do not even know if this guy still lives there, I felt that, for the most part, I could freely speak my mind without fearing some type of repercussion. I tried to be as nice about it as I possibly could without coming off like I was trying cut his throat. I finally responded to him by telling him that my business is my business and that I was not interested in pursing further conversation (even though there was nothing in my short responses that gave invitation for him to continue asking me questions).

I do not know how I discerned that he took offense to my statement, but it appeared that he was offended by the tone in which I read his next replies. He gave me the impression that I was being rude not to want to talk. Since I felt that he was not going to oblige me by respecting my boundary not to continue the conversation, I stopped responding to his messages. I was rude? No, he was rude.

This guy continued to send messages over a two-day period, and I refused to open them even when I could see the taglines “Hey”, “Are you there?”, “I’m sorry …” I was done with this guy and placed him on my “restricted list”. I was puzzled as to why this guy had been my social media “friend” for a number of years but had chosen this particular time to ask me loaded questions about my personal life. Strangely, I have never heard from this guy since those messages. He did not succeed.

Later on, it was then that a light bulb flickered within my brain, and I immediately knew that this gentleman had a connection to the narcissist I almost married. The narcissist and this guy were friends! It dawned on me that the questions this guy asked me were not normal questions to ask someone he was never even friends with in the past. He wanted to know whether I was married and whatnot. Although these seem like simple questions, I was careful never to reveal anything about myself because I never wanted narcissistic family members to have any ammunition against me.

Needless to say, I grappled over that episode with this guy for a bit. Then I came to the conclusion that I would closely monitor any additional contacts I received from anyone else. I could not be too careful, and what happened next shows me that I could not be too careful at all.

Stay tuned for the letter in the mailbox.