What More Does An Identity Thief Want?

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The Illusion of a Clean Break

Well … I had the illusion of a clean break. I guess I owe The Identity Thief more than just to cut her off after about 20 years of toxic friendship. I guess I owe her more than to simply slam the door on her without so much an explanation. I guess she and her flying monkey enablers would even say that I owe her. However, I am talking about a narcissist.

In times past, that is what I have usually done with some narcissists. I would just quietly disappear from their lives and no longer respond to them. Those narcissists would go their way, and I would go mine. If they reached out, I would still not respond. Even if I wanted to respond, I still chose to go my way in silence. I find that my silence is far better and speaks much louder.

Walking away has always been far better than having to explain my side … a side narcissists never chose to listen to in the first place. Yet, I am a person who has always fought to get others to see my viewpoints. Prior to learning to close my door to toxic relationships in silence, I always felt it was cowardly to walk away without explaining my side. However, explaining my side has never given me any satisfaction. I always focused on what more I could have said the narcissists.

In the end, there is no closure with a narcissist. The more I seek for closure, the more open I remain to a narcissist who has the belief that I am not going anywhere. So, with experience, I have come to the conclusion that showing narcissists my backside without ever looking back should be a sign to them that I am done. This has not been the case with The Identity Thief though. A clean break is an illusion. She reached out to me!

My Emotions Have Been Tugged

To be honest, I was hoping for a clean break. I was hoping that breaking with The Identity Thief would be easy. I was hoping that all of the tears that I have shed over the fractures in what I believed to be a friendship would make it easier for me to freely walk away. This has not been the case. I have known The Identity Thief for long time, and even after I discerned that things were off with her, I had already grown to know her and love her as a person I considered a friend.

Here is in lies the difficulty of establishing connections with narcissists. I see them as people. I see them as who they present themselves to be at first. I foolishly believe the best in them and believe that their issues are problems that can be fixed along the way. I think that since I have issues too, then it is okay to tolerate the issue of others. If narcissists say they are working to become better people, I believe them. I want to be better too. Somehow, it never occurs to me that this is not the case until I am too deeply invested within their lives and they in mine.

Of course, I realize they will not change only after I discern their narcissistic traits have met the criteria of narcissistic personality disorder. Although I am not a clinically licensed therapist, I have had enough schooling to understand this disorder, and I have had far too much lifelong experience with actual narcissists to know that narcissists do not change. In fact, I have never met a narcissist who sees a reason to change whether they received a diagnosis or whether they know they have a problem. None of those things matter to narcissists anyway.

Needless to say, my emotions have been tugged, and letting go is never as easy as I would like it to be. If only I did not feel things so deeply. If only I did not love people so strongly. It does not matter that the person is a narcissist. It does not matter that the person is perhaps a demon in disguise whom clothes themselves in flesh. My heart is always filled with love for others even when it would probably be much easier to hate, and this is what makes trauma bonding so powerful. The soul becomes tied to another through deep emotions (along with a lot of other components).

Thus, my emotions have been tugged, and I feel the pain. I literally feel emotional hurt. Yet, I am not sure what hurts more. Do I hurt because I was not able to express myself to The Identity Thief? Do I hurt more because walking away without words is not a proper closure? Do I hurt more because The Identity Thief chose to reach out? Do I hurt more because The Identity Thief chose to use her mother as a means to reach out to me after I did not respond to her inquiries? Or do I hurt more that I am not only closing the door on The Identity Thief, but I am also closing the door on relationships that I have established through connections with her?

What More Does An Identity Thief Want?

Choosing to walk away from The Identity Thief has been a well-thought over and long process. I did not come to this decision easily. I never do. I chose to walk away at this point because I was tired. I grew literally exhausted thinking that the cycle of narcissistic abuse with continuous moments of subtle devaluing and discarding f me were just always going to be a part of my so-called friendship with her. I closed the door now after several door slam attempts that I just did not have the heart to go through with during those other times. What changed now? My heart is exhausted, and I can take no more. I do not want to put up with the abuse anymore. I am done.

I grew disgusted the more I listened to her covertly gaslight me and use projective measures to describe what she really thought about me while using the words of others as her prop. If others said these things to people like me, and these same “others” are people in her circle that she glorifies through strong emotions of hate, it always pricked me how these were her thoughts about me too. Of all the narcissists that I have ever known, The Identity Thief is by far one of the craftiest in making an insult appear as a compliment or a sign of her endearment.

I clearly was not as dumb as she thought I was though. Without ever giving her a hint that I was on to her tactics and ploys, I figured out all of the nuances and subtle micro-isms consisting of her vocal tone, facial expressions, body movements, and anything else about the air she breathes that were always alerts for me to heavily use my five senses to discern her agenda. Just as she studied me, I studied her. I am not even being funny when I say I have a journal on her alone in my quest of trying to understand her, love her, and be a good friend to her. Of course, much of my insight would come after encounters with her and after I had time to sit and think about what had occurred between us.

The Identity Thief is a narcissist and will always be a narcissist. She will never change. I accepted that long ago, and from that, I decided that I would have to sever ties with her at some point. I could not treat her any differently than I treated any other narcissist I had to let go of – including my own mother. The point of letting this narcissist go became now, and based on how long I continued in this “friendship” after knowing she was a narcissist, severing ties from her was long overdue. Perhaps the angels that watch over me are screaming to each other, “It’s about time! Girl, go get your freedom!”

Yet, I have to ask myself the question even though I already know the answer. What more does The Identity Thief want? What more does she want? That answer is so clear. Stay tuned for my next post.