Old Habits Die Hard, But I Must Change

Old Habits Die Hard

It is interesting how paths cross for people. For a time period people have been in my life, and then over time they no longer are there anymore. A lot happens. A lot changes. So, occasionally, I am sometimes surprised when I run into someone I never expected to see again after a long span of absence or distance.

Old habits die hard. I say this because I have a tendency to fall back into old habits with people who were once familiar. That is one toxic trait of mine that I continue to work on simply because familiarity often breeds contempt. In other words, someone I once had familiarity with and is no longer in my life is usually no longer in my life for a reason. If the person no longer in my life did not care for me in the past, they are not going to change to caring for me just because time has passed.

Frozen In My Tracks

So when I just happened to walk inside a convenience store that I had never gone into before and just happened to see a familiar face from someone I once knew, I was stuck in my tracks as how to respond to her. The woman who walked into the store after I walked in walked right in front of me (full view), and upon seeing her face, I instantly remembered her. Fond memories from the past first came back to the surface. She was someone I greatly admired for her giftedness on the job.

When she walked in front of me and I recognized her face, I had the great urge to speak to her. However, she never looked at me. Since my face was covered with a mask, I was obviously not recognizable to her. As she walked by in what seemed like slow motion, I actually turned my body to watch her as she strolled into the store with a friend. Since I was already waiting for two customers in front of me, I figured that I could turn and walk to the area where I saw her standing and reach out to her.

Yet, I was frozen in my tracks. I could not move to walk. I could only turn my body to look at her. I watched her. I analyzed her facial expressions, her body language, and her interaction with her friend. Time had changed both of us physically. Despite the physical changes I noted with her, she still looked the same. Her face was a face that was constantly before me a lot years ago. I had regarded her as one of the bright spots to my day when we had worked together. I was her mentor, but she was my thorn! I can laugh about it now.

This woman had been one of the reasons I worked so hard when I knew her. She challenged me. She pushed me hard. I became better at my job because of her. Yet, there I was standing inside the store frozen in place and unable to reach out to her as I desired. It was then that I remembered that old habits that die hard needed to die, and I needed to let go. It suddenly made sense when I remembered that despite her being the bright spot of my day from years ago, she was also one of the reasons that I was often felt stressed on the job. She made work sometimes unbearable.

This woman was not a very teachable person. She behaved as a know-it-all and often rebuffed my support as her mentor. She often had a very mean streak and openly devalued me with her words a lot. She often used subtle sarcasm to embarrass me, but I usually never caught on to her attempts to embarrass and discredit me until after the fact … when I had gone home and later thought about the events of my day with her.

She often openly disrespected me as well, and she sometimes came across as heartless in her interactions with me. She had no empathy whatsoever and often displayed a nasty attitude towards me and others. I never understood her open defiance against me, but when she felt she could not get her way with me, she behaved like a spoiled brat. So when I reached my breaking point with her attitude, I decided that maybe she needed a new mentor. When I met with her to discuss this, she became very upset with me. She actually broke down and cried about it and told me that I was the only one who pushed her and believed in her. I did not expect her reaction and have always been puzzled by her reaction ever since.

When this woman transferred to another location, I remember how tightly she hugged me and thanked me for all the support I gave her. She even visited me at work a few years later just to say hello and sing my praises. I figured that maybe she was battling with issues that she never shared with me back then, but we were not friends. We had a working relationship only. She kept her distance, and I kept my distance as well. Yet, for whatever reason, I admired her. She was a strong woman – a go-getter. She set goals and always worked hard to obtain them. She inspired me to be better at my own job.

Yet, there I was frozen inside the store unable to reach out to her as I desired. Instead, I remained in place and simply watched her until I walked out of the store. There was such an overwhelming desire to say something to her, but I realized that this point in our lives need not have any interruptions. So when I went to my car, I sat staring at her through the window of the store realizing that despite how I felt about her in the past, she did not feel the same about me. I liked her, but she seemed to hate me back then. The work situation with her was toxic, and looking back, I recall the narcissistic traits about her that made her hard to deal with at times. I saw our past for what it was then. I cannot make excuses.

I Must Change

I sat in my car realizing that I must change even if other people might not change or will not change. I must change. I want to be a healthier me. I want to be free of narcissistic people in my life. I want to be free of narcissists. I want to change my faulty patterns of coping and dealing with others. I realized that I froze in my steps because I have begun the process of detoxing myself from narcissistic personalities. To be free and continue receiving the healing that I need, I cannot go backwards. I cannot go back to my old ways of relating or my old way of doing things.

Old habits must die even if those old habits die hard. I must change the way I interact with others. I must stop the toxicity within my life. My mindset must be renewed. It must change. If a person of my past displayed toxic traits towards me, I cannot depend on them to change. I must change. I must create a new path for myself and go my own way. I choose the way of healing. Although I do not know anything about the woman’s life now, there was enough caution within me to heed it as a warning to keep the door closed. So … I chose to keep the door close. I chose not to engage.

I will admit that not engaging with her hurt me inside, but I cannot go back to the way things once were. So I drove off with a different perspective about it all. She was someone I once knew but is now a stranger. Even more so, I am now a stranger to her because we stood a little more than six feet away from each other and she did not even recognize me. She did not even recognize someone who was once her mentor. Maybe that alone is was hurt too … that I bonded more with her in the sense that my connection to her had more meaning for me, but on this night, I chose to let old habits die even if hard.