The Professional Gaslighting Narcissist Strikes – Part 3

Outward Dialogue and Inward Monologue

Me: Hi! How are you? How’ve you been?

Her: Good. Didn’t you see me back there?

Me: (playing coy) No. Where?

Why did I lie?

Her: Weren’t you behind me? I saw you behind me. I thought it was you, but I wasn’t sure. Then when you drove up beside me, I could see it was you for sure. You must have been deep in thought because you didn’t look at me. Didn’t you see me?

Her voice sounded as if she were searching for something in desperation. I did see her, but I was trying to avoid her. Did she not know this? My mind was flashing with a million different thoughts all talking to me at once. Why could I not just be honest with her?

Me: No. I didn’t see you. I was too focused I guess.

Her: What are you doing here?

Me: Here?

I quickly looked around recalling my surroundings. My mind wanted to speak for me, but I did not verbally express anything to her. What was I doing here? My mind talked to me as if to reason with me about the situation. I thought, “You are parked in front of a restaurant. What does it look like you’re doing here?” Then my mind responded to me from another angle, “Go grey rock. Give her shortened responses. Better yet, don’t share anything. It’s not her business. Don’t indulge her!”

Her: Like … why did you come to this spot?

Me: I’m here to order takeout.

There was a moment of awkward silence. She turned her head in the direction of which restaurant I might have been going to because I did not say which one. She reacted as if her question was dumb to even ask me because I was obviously there to eat. I was parked in front of a specific restaurant in between two other restaurants. However, my mind reasoned, “You know good and well she is only asking you this because she knows the obvious. She followed you here, and now you’re trapped. She knows that you may not have even planned to stop here if she hadn’t been following you. She’s not slick. You know what’s up. We don’t have time for her games!”

Her: So and so (her best friend and flying monkey) said she saw you a few weeks ago out and about. She said that you cut everyone off when she tried to figure out why no one could reach you.

Me: Yeah … I was tired of all the drama.

Her: There’s still a lot going on. A lot’s changed since you left, but no one can call you to tell you. Do you not have a phone anymore?

Me: (avoiding the answer to her question) Yeah, the last I heard, the place was falling apart into chaos. Glad I left.

Her: Did you get a new phone?

Me: No.

What a coward I became right before her. I just did not have the heart to say to her that I blocked everyone from contacting me … including her.

Her: Did you just turn it off? Did you turn off everything? No one sees you anymore on social media or anything either. You just disappeared. You vanished. You left no trace of anyone being able to reach out to you. If so and so (her best friend and number one flying monkey) hadn’t seen you, then we wouldn’t know what is going on with you.

My mind interrupted to tell me, “Girl, she still doesn’t know what is going on with you, and that’s why she’s asking you these ridiculous questions about your phone. She knows your phone is not off. You live less than two miles apart. If she really wanted to know what was going on with you, she could have reached out to you by stopping by the house. She’s just being nosey. If you must talk, level with her. You cut them off because they are toxic! You cut her off because she’s a freaking narcissist. PERIOD!”

Me: Oh yeah, I got rid of my social media. I’m focusing on me for a while and staying away from drama.

Her: Wow. Okay. Well, things pretty much became worse after you left. I’m thinking of leaving myself.

Me: Oh yeah?

Her: I’ve already given them a heads up at work. They know I’m not bluffing. They have said that since you left, any long time trooper leaving no longer surprises them anymore. No one ever thought you’d leave. Everyone was shocked. I remember the day you told me you were leaving.

I stared at her. There was not much I could say, but my mind was throwing out a lot of thoughts my way. My mind responded with a smirk. “Yeah right! Sure. Play us a string of sad music from your violin.” I wanted to laugh, but I contained it. I already knew that many more people had left after I did including two supervisors. That workplace always had high turnover mainly because of the toxicity there.

Her: You just up and left and decided to cut everyone off. I guess I don’t blame you.

Me: Yeah. I did not see the point of holding on to a job I needed to let go of. It’s a part of my past now. That also includes the people too, unfortunately.

Her: So you don’t miss it?

Me: No. I don’t miss it at all. In the beginning, I missed the people, but then I realized that the system is all toxic. I no longer wanted to be a part of that. When I thought about all of the stuff I had to put up with and how draining the atmosphere was from day to day, I no longer saw a point in continuing to hold onto people there either. It was best for me to let it all go so I could have closure and move on.

Her: So you don’t think the place can change?

Me: Of course it can change. I just don’t believe it will.

Her: You gave up.

I was puzzled by her response. My mind responded to me. “Didn’t she just say she was thinking of leaving too. So how is it that you gave up but she has not? She’s playing you! Just walk away!”

But my mind also chimed in with it’s own monologue as the PGN continued to talk about what was currently happening on a job I was no longer a part of anymore.

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I have always had ongoing internal conversations with myself. If no one else was going to listen to me, then I would hear myself, and that’s how I was able to make sense of things. In fact, I have had whole conversations with people while giving my complete attention to every detail of what they say, but my mind is ever going and ever spinning with words and thoughts to interject to me in a monologue.

These are words and thoughts which I usually do not verbalize outwardly to anyone. This is also how my discernment operates too. My mind will have conversations on top of conversations with me while asking me questions and providing me tidbits of insight that help me to better connect to what a person is saying to me in conversation. The monologue I have with myself is how I figure things out and make sense of people’s words and behavior. It is like my brain’s way of thoroughly scanning things over.

The Monologue of My Mind

“No, I didn’t give up. My idea of giving up is quitting as soon as I started the job. I was at that job for over 20 years through thick and thin.”

“I didn’t give up. My time was up. It was time for me to go. I had given all I could give, and I couldn’t give anymore. Why continue to give to a broken system?”

“I see your look of disdain for me. Surely you must have thought I was crazy for hanging on for as long as I did, but now it’s you who’s still there.”

“Yes, I should have left long ago, but I held out because I loved the people I served and the community. I saw the value of being a part of something bigger than me. I loved what I did on the job until I realized that there would never be change within the environment.”

“I finally got the message that it didn’t matter how much I loved the community or what I did. My voice was not going to be heard regarding the issues we were collectively supposed to address.”

“That job was no place for such a person like me. My efforts were being given to something that was actually unattainable. For years, I could not see that though, and maybe that was the purpose for me at the time as I grew in connection with the people I was there to serve.”

“If I remained there though, I would always be fighting against the grain and getting nowhere. I would always be fighting against those who I once believed were invisible enemies until I realized my enemies were actually some of the people I worked with who did not have the same goals but pretended that they did.”

“Why was I fighting when all of us were supposed to have the same common goal? Once I realized that my goals were different … that I was one of few who were alone in the grand scheme of things, I determined it was best for me to let go of it.”

“I realized much later what some realized very early on. That’s not the same as giving up. I was striving against a group of people who ultimately had other goals that I didn’t believe in. No … I didn’t give up. I gave all that I had until I had nothing left to give.”

“I gave that place all of me! I decided to take all of me when I left. It’s nice to know that my absence is felt, but my presence being felt should have been more important at the time. I don’t say this pridefully, but I know my worth, and I know that when I have given my all, others know that I have given my all too.”

“You never saw my worth either. Or maybe you did see my worth and hated for others to see it. But I don’t need you though. I don’t need you at all! You added nothing to my life. Yet you tried to completely strip everything away from me and destroy it.”

“I was so blinded by you too. I thought you were my friend, but you were actually one of my biggest enemies. I fought for you the whole time all while you were ruthlessly behind the scenes ripping me to shreds.”

“If the truth be told, you wanted me out of that job! For a long stretch of time, you did everything in your power to get rid of me. The whole time, I had no idea because I thought you were my friend.”

“I only learned after the fact how you actually sabotaged me, turned others against me, and even tried to poison me. BUT now you want to show me that you care? … that you miss me? Get out of here. Like really … Get out! Get away from me!”

“Yet, you look at me with eyes of condescension. You look at me with disdain. You look at me as if I am the wind beneath your freaking wings. Oh, how you wish you could fly high! You wish I was there to be your narcissistic supply!”

“I know who you really are! You are a deep void! You just want me back in your life to help you fill it. You want to suck me back into a cesspool of darkness! But no, I am on to you! I am so on to you! Not this time! NOT THIS FREAKING TIME!!!!”

“I’m calm. I’m cool. I’m collected. But I’m so on to you!”

Back To The Conversation

Me: I guess if people want to believe I gave up, then that’s what they’ll believe, but I stayed for as long as I did because that was my assignment during that part of my life at the time. My time was up. My assignment was over. I completed it. It was time for me to leave.

I was sure I had said too much, but what was said was said, and I couldn’t take it back. The PGN might report my words back to whoever at the workplace, but I did not care. I was not accountable to the workplace anymore for my thoughts. My mind responded in kind, “Yeah, you said way too much. What’s wrong with you? The door is supposed to be closed with her. You don’t owe her an explanation of your choices. She’s one of the reasons you’re glad to have left. Why are you still talking? Make an excuse to leave. You see what she’s doing anyway.”

The PGN looked at me with pensive eyes. I could see a spark in her eyes. It was the kind of spark I saw with other narcissists who had connected with something that I said in conversation that they planned on ripping apart and using against me. Although her eyes seemed receptive and even seemed to take in what I said, there was a wall that I felt standing guard against my energy. She heard me. She heard my words. My words seemed to penetrate a barrier, but I did not purpose it to be that way. I simply said what I said. I did not say it to be defensive but to be matter of fact. I was honest in that moment for what it was worth. I did not care what she thought.

Her: I’m thinking of leaving because I’m tired, and I want better, but I’m afraid that I’ll go somewhere and it will be the same. You know you could always come back. So and So came back for a while. When she did that, we thought you might come back too.

I laughed, but the PGN was serious. I wondered how she could easily flip a switch when I specifically laid out that I knew my assignment at that job was over. Did she really hear me?

Me: No way! I’m done. The door is closed for me.

Her: We should hang out sometimes. What have you been doing with yourself? Are you working anywhere else?

I hesitated to answer her. Two other frenemy narcissists had used my lack of a desire to work as a segue to discussing my lack of motivation and unwillingness to attain anything else in life. They saw my desire to take a break from working for a while as a cop out. They believed that I was throwing in the towel so to speak.

So, I paused to consider how to answer the PGN without sounding like a failure. Then my mind chimed in, “What difference does it make? This is your life. You do what you want with it because you can. You have that freedom now. If she hates it, judges you for it, or ridicules your choices, so what? That might mean that she wants to make herself feel better for doing something you have chosen to no longer do. So what? Who is she anyway? She’s nobody in your life. She should remain nobody. Go back to no contact!”

Me: I’m doing this and that and a whole lot of resting. I’m just enjoying my life.

Her: So and so (her bestfriend and flying monkey) said that you were doing part time work.

Me: Oh yeah … I do that sometimes.

She was definitely keeping tabs on me inadvertently through others who saw me out.

Her: Me too.

My mind responded to me with “Here we go with the one-upping crap. That’s why she brought it up. She hoped that you would bring it up. She’s letting you know how she keeps tabs on you. Say your goodbyes and just walk away. Enough with this bull! You cannot be seriously thinking this woman has changed for the better. You see what’s happening. You see what she’s doing. I know you notice those jabs she’s taking at you in the most subtle of ways. She’s insulting you while keeping a smile on her face. She’s attempting to sound like she has really missed you and cares about you. She’s just trying to get back in. Don’t do it. Don’t do it! Think about the track record of all the narcs you’ve known. She is no different. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE! Just look at her! Pathetic!”

For a moment there seemed to be a long silence, but then we both shared our experiences with each other about our part time side gigs. It seemed like we were both just trying to feel a conversation that would not be anything more. I noted how easy it was to fall back into routine conversation with her. I actually enjoyed conversations with her in the past. She can be a cool person. She’s very inventive with creative ideas, but she’s still a narcissist.

My mind would not allow me to sway from this fact. The PGN is a narcissist! I would have almost slipped back into the times of the past had it not been for all the innuendos and narcissistic jabs the PGN still used even in the moment. My mind had talked me through it with short clips of flashbacks. My mind was adamant not to allow me to fall into any of her traps. The PGN had said a lot, but what she did not say is what kept me sane enough to know not to fall for the hoover.

The dialogue between the PGN and I told me all that I needed to know about her in present tense. Nothing had changed about her. Physically, I could see changes like signs of aging, stress, and sadness. Those were changes that had happened to my appearance as well. In fact, I actually wondered if she was assessing the emotional damage she had caused me by viewing my appearance. I wondered if she beamed with pride about the small and simple things I am doing with my life right now, but then my mind stopped me from making comparisons.

My mind responded with “Stop that! You two are not even on the same journey in life. Keep focused on you. She’s a nonfactor in the equation of your life. You need to keep her a nonfactor. Let her wish for a date to meet up, and keep her wishing. Keep that door closed! Let this conversation with her be your closure.”

The PGN pressed her desire to hang out with me, but I did not respond to her.

Her: I’m sure we’ll see each other again.

Me: We live in the same area. We’re bound to run into each other.

The PGN looked puzzled.

Her: Will you ever turn your phone back on?

Me: Eventually, but right now I just want peace and quiet. I really want to be left alone to live my life in peace.

My mind gave a loud umpth. “Now you know she knows your phone is not off if you were both just talking about part time deliveries. She’s not as stupid as she wants to play herself. She’s just wanting you to reveal the obvious. I wish you would. I wish you would just tell her once and for all that you’re done with her. She knows that anyway. She wants to have the last say in your so-called fake friendship. She wants to discard you. Don’t let her. Don’t open that door. You’re done with her. She’s done! This little conversation was enough. Leave! Go on your way!”

Me: Well, it was good to see you.

Her: Yeah … we’ll see each other again.

She was insistent, but I did not respond. Her eyes searched mine for a response, but I turned away and walked to get to the other side of my car. Once I was inside, I saw her motion me for her last words. I rolled my window down to hear her. Then she said something that made me realize I needed to stay as vigilant as I had been when I had originally seen that I was behind her vehicle in the first place.

Her: You know, you should always check around you. You never know when you’re being watched and followed.

She smiled, and then turned her head to start her car. I could see a micro-smirk form across her face which appeared as a small sinister grin. Her eyes had that same look of disdain for me as she had always had in the past when she did not get her way with me but was thinking of her next scheme against me. My mind was right. The PGN had not changed at all.

My mind: “Yeah, we saw you the whole time, you stalker! Goodbye and good riddance!”