Church Tales Of Narcissistic Abuse: The Church Lady

The Church Lady

I knew quite a few church ladies in my life, but none seemed to be extreme in attempting to take over my life in a way that benefited her plans other than a woman I will call The Church Lady. This lady became the bane of my existence at one time, and she was actually instrumental in increasing my anxiety. She just seemed to appear out of nowhere, but it was during a time there seemed to be an influx of visitors to the congregation I attended each weekend.

I felt that I never had a moment’s peace with The Church Lady, and although I was not always sure that she was a narcissist, she did have some very strong narcissistic traits. On top of being controlling, she was annoyingly persistent and intrusive. Her unrelenting taunts to have my life her way would not let up. Although she was not as bad as my mother, she came in a close second, and that is saying a lot.

The Church Lady and I met at a congregation I attended, and during a particular service, she sat next to me with her friend. I thought nothing of her at first. Being introverted as I am, I only exchanged pleasantries with others when absolutely necessary. I hated small talk because it was unnecessary chatter to me, and it felt fake. Needless to say, I did exchange smiles with her. Before long, after a few services, I took note of how she would continue to find her spot seated next to me but noticeably without her friend.

At first, I was not looking to make any friends since I was so busy with work and school. My plate was full, and I just did not have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with additional relationships. At the congregation, I had settled on being a simple worshiper – one who showed up, enjoyed the service, and then left. So, it came as a surprise to me when it seemed that The Church Lady had somehow quickly swooped into my life and into my weekend schedule.

It turns out that The Church Lady’s friend who was in her accompaniment the day I met her was not really her friend after all. The “friend” was someone she was monitoring and harassing who eventually decided to block her as a result. I figured this out from a few conversations that I pieced together with The Church Lady. The Church Lady was saddened by the fact that her friend had ghosted her “out of the blue”. So every service she attended was only because she hoped for the entrance of that friend and not because she really wanted friendship with me.

Once I realized that I was a fill-in and a rebound “friend”, I began to suddenly feel put upon by The Church Lady. She was nice enough, and she frequently invited me to her home after service. In fact, she was very hospitable. Being the people pleaser, I accepted her invitation to be nice to her. Although I did like her as a person, I thought she was a bit overbearing with her problems to me at times. During my first visit with her, I learned more about her life than I wanted to know. In fact, I felt uncomfortable with her oversharing so much.

Unfortunately, I fought the red flags I saw about The Church Lady because I thought it would be nice to finally connect with someone from the congregation. However, it did not take me long before I could not avoid experiencing the red flags at a fast-paced level. In fact, it was one of those situations that I have experienced many times before … meet someone, establish a connection, realize the person has serious issues, and look for an exit from the situation without being seen as a mean person who abandons others. It was all playing out before me again.

In retrospect, The Church Lady was controlling and manipulative. When she began mapping out plans for my weekends on my behalf, I had to take a step back. I became infuriated when she attempted to coerce me to come out of my shell and live a little.

Although encouragement was not the issue, it was her audacity to infringe herself upon my life to make me come out of my shell as if I was not living was the issue. If there is one thing that I cannot stand is someone attempting to control my time. The Church Lady attempted to do this under the guise that she believed that I needed to live a little, but it was life according to her plans.

The the other thing I hate is someone who does not understand my joy of being who I am as an introvert. My weeks were super busy with work, and I was also in graduate school. The weekends were my time, and I had the right to enjoy every weekend and spend my time the way I wanted to according to my needs and desires. Yet, here was The Church Lady believing that my life was considerably boring in her eyes. She could never accept the fact that I usually only had one day of rest because the remainder of my weekends were filled with writing and research assignments for class.

In the beginning of this “friendship”, I did not take note of The Church Lady’s plans for me. I just felt irritated with The Church Lady’s continuous phone contacts and her overwhelming need to monopolize my time after church. I did not want to hang out with her after every service. Sometimes I just wanted to go home. My social battery was drained enough with all the people I was surrounded by in the congregation, but she just did not seem to want to understand this fact.

The Church Lady had an agenda, and her methods were usually by way of suggestion and gentle, but somehow, forceful prodding. Yet, I always smelled her schemes, and they wreaked of intrusion. She would hound me about things until I either gave in or made some acceptable excuse. Since I was in grad school and had tons of assignments usually due by midnight, I most used school work as my excuse. I had a calendar of due dates, and I often felt inclined to show her as proof that I had assignment due dates that kept me from hanging out with her.

Surprisingly, The Church Lady had a calendar too. She filled her calendar up with events and names. Little did I know that my name had been added to her calendar the moment she met me. She had made plans for “us” for weekends in advance as if she knew that I would likely say yes to her. In fact, I believe she expected me to say “yes” because that was the only answer she expected from me.

Nevertheless, as an introvert, I never accept invitations from anyone immediately because I do not know how I am going to feel about that invitation on the date of the event. If there is any hesitation on my part about an invitation, I will more than likely decline the invite. I also have to know ahead of time, and when I feel pressured by anyone about something so far in advance, then it is an automatic “no” for me. I will not be forced or rushed to do something I do not have time to think about.

The Church Lady imposed herself upon me, and it began to make me wonder if her pushiness was the reason the friend she wanted in her life ghosted her. I had observed even during social times at the congregation of how The Church Lady had a way of inserting herself into the lives of others without permission. I was also able to base my reasonings regarding her friend’s desertion of her upon the stories she told me about other people.

I also reasoned that The Church Lady had damaged relationships because of her need to control others. She had a child that refused to have contact with her but made claims that the child was ungrateful and despondent. That should have been a red flag at the time, but I only discerned that she was painfully lonely. Even though I liked her as a person, I did not like the feeling that she was using tentacles to hook me.

I wanted to get beyond The Church Lady’s reach, but I felt chained as if she had placed a grip on my life. As time progressed on, I found myself feeling anxious about even attending church. It was hard enough not showing up on time in the first place. I always made it a point to show up after the “hug and greet thy neighbor” bit because of my social anxiety and the tension I felt over having to do small talk. Because of The Church Lady’s continuous rants, I did not even want to go to church at all.

One service, however, I was shocked to find that my creature of habit seating had been misaligned by The Church Lady as she had opted to take my seat while sitting next to none other than the friend who had ghosted her. The Church Lady had vowed to not allow the ghosted friend to ever to re-enter her life. I could have cared less about the friend, however. I was a creature of habit, and she had taken a seat from me that had never been wanted before. I laugh to myself when I think about it now.

However, in that moment, I noticed the sneer that rested at the corners of her mouth as her eyes gleamed in satisfaction towards me that she had removed me away from her as some form of punishment. I stood searching around for a seat because I had now been ousted from my normal placement while she looked me over with a touch of disgust. Her friend was back, and I was discarded. I could tell she did not care about me at all.

Once I took my seat to a place in neverland far behind The Church Lady, I watched as she guffawed and leaned onto her friend with wild abandonment. It was as if she wanted me to see what I was missing or something. It was quite comical. Immediately I sensed what I was not wrong about what I thought regarding her actions. I could not help but think that I had been discarded and was being punished for not allowing The Church Lady to run my weekend schedule. As soon as this thought came, I could not so easily dismiss it because I had been in this familiar territory numerous times before. I knew the routine.

After service, The Church Lady excitedly rushed over to me with her friend. I could tell they had already had a discussion about me because it seemed like the friend already new some information about me. The friend invited me to lunch with her and The Church Lady to “catch up”. I looked at both women while my mind spoke to me, “Catch up on what? You don’t even know this lady’s friend. What is going on here?”

When I looked at The Church Lady, her countenance was aglow. She seemed happier than usual. It was strange to me. Although I felt hesitation inside of me about going to lunch with either of them, my interest in The Church Lady’s re-established connection with her friend was piqued. So, I accepted the invitation with the hopes that my suspicions about me being a rebound friend to The Church Lady would have confirmation. Fortunately, my suspicions were confirmed during the lunch meeting, and I could tell right away during that the friend had regrettably broken her no-contact with The Church Lady.

The friend of The Church Lady looked at me as if I was the remedy … that the many weekends ahead with The Church Lady would be with me instead of with her. She and The Church Lady had made plans about what I was going to do with my weekends with The Church Lady, but they had iced me out of their conversation about these plans. As I listened to them both chatter away, I tried to figure out what was going on. I was livid but silent. Did my thoughts on the matter not even matter? How were they making plans with my time without my input?

Once I left the lunch with them, I decided that I no longer wanted to be a part of this crazymaking cycle. I had had enough with The Church Lady’s antics and her need to control my life. She was taking on too many characteristics that reminded me of my narcissist mother. All I could think upon driving away from them was What even for? What is even the reason for wanting to control another adult? I could understand my mother’s reasoning, but I did not really even know these women. Furthermore, I was not looking to be a scapegoat for the friend either. Both The Church Lady and her friend could gladly have each other. I wished to be left out of it.

So, from that point forward I was done. Once I arrived home, I took to the Internet and researched blocking contact via landline. Then I blocked The Church Lady from contacting me. (Eventually, I would disconnect my landline altogether.) Fortunately, I had not given her my cell number because I had never given her the impression that I even had a cell phone. Since she had never taken a true interest in much about my personal life, she had no idea of my home location. So, I attempted to make a clean break from her and decided to skip congregational services for a while too.

After that, my anxieties about her and the grip she tried to take over my life dissipated, and I felt a lot better. Plus, I needed a break. I was exhausted from the toxic church games anyway. Before long, however, The Church Lady reached out to other members in the congregation under the guise that she was worried about me. To this effect, I began receiving a lot of emails from congregation members, and then leaders, about my attendance.

I easily screened my phone calls and allowed for messages to be left on my answering machine, but I suppose it was rude of me never to return any calls. However, my voice greeting accounted for this by simply saying, “Sorry, I cannot take your call at this moment and probably not your message either … since I am super busy meeting deadlines. Hopefully, we’ll talk sooner or later.” After a while, however, I missed services of worship time that I enjoyed so much. I had looked forward to this time after a long and exhaustive week. I felt that it was unfair for The Church Lady to not only harass me but also steal the joy I had in the congregation when I was an actual member and she was a visitor.

Eventually I returned to services and found my way to a new seating spot far in the back. I showed up after the “meet and greet” time so that I could avoid The Church Lady as much as possible. After one service, The Church Lady confronted me in the parking lot. She inquired as to why I had been missing in action. I knew it was now or never, so I chose the former and told her what I felt.

I admitted to The Church Lady that friendship with her was not working for me. I was tired, and I did not like my time being monopolized before I could even think about it myself. I told her that my time did not belong to her. I even admitted to her that I screened my calls because I did not want to be bothered when I was already so busy. I also told her that I felt my boundaries had been violated by her because she continuously refused to take my “no” to her suggestions as an answer on a lot of things she wanted me to do with my life.

In response to what I said, The Church Lady’s face became like stone, but I could see underneath the surface of this that her cheeks quivered enough to hide her anger. She was gritting down hard on her teeth as she stared with eyes that spoke nothing but volumes of concealed rage and hatred towards me. Then she took a huge breath as if to sigh through a closed mouth, and said “Well, if that’s how you feel then okay. I was only trying to help you become a better you.” Then she smiled a smile that was not really a smile but more like a smirking smile. It was strange.

Despite my desire to respond back to her comment, I knew it was a waste of time. I had already learned that responding back would serve me no benefit. Plus, we were in a church parking lot. I did not want to look like I was arguing especially with her. Anything I would have said would have appeared reactive and would have made me look like I was causing problems. So I said goodbye and left.

Looking back, I was right to distance myself from The Church Lady. If I had remained her friend, I would have been nothing more than a supposed blank slate for her to complete her goals for me. I just did not want that. This is my life, and I have a right to control my own life. It baffles me when someone else thinks they can do that, but it does happen.

Anyway, at some point, I no longer saw The Church Lady anymore. She eventually disappeared from the church. My life went back to the normal it was before she had entered it. The end result was that I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief and continue to live my introverted life unhindered until the next nosey and intrusive person came along believing it was their right to give me their two cents.