***The following post mentions suicide. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
The Scrutiny Of A Friend: College Freshman Year
Once the dorm mother, my newfound friend, and I were out of the cafeteria, I proceeded to go back to my room. My newfound friend walked with me. The silence was profound for me. I do not even think she noticed it at all. She walked in step with me as I walked down the hall to my room. She needed to go to the very end to climb the stairs.
On our way down my hallway, I was encountered by the two dorm reps. They looked at me and smiled, but I did not sense that anything was off. It was not until I saw my suitemates that I was aware that my secret had indeed not been kept safe. I could see immediately that they knew. Their eyes cast a glance upon mine that spoke volumes to me.
One of my suitemates who was always so very bossy and judgmental of me seemed somber, but she spoke a greeting to me. The other suitemate whom I adored looked upon me with eyes of genuine sorrow as she gently leaned in and gave me a silent hug. This simple gesture meant a lot to me, but it immediately set off alarm bells for my newfound friend.
When my newfound friend turned to look at me as my suitemates walked away, she whispered loudly as she stepped in front of me with all the incredulity she could muster and enquired, “So it was you?” I knew I had to answer her. I wanted to get this part over with. So I replied, “Yes, it was me,” and she immediately ushered me to my room.
A Newfound Friend’s Thoughts
My newfound friend wanted to know my reasons for not sharing with her my struggles … why I wanted to commit suicide … why I wanted to die. I did not really know what to say to her. I sensed an air of judgment from her, and I knew she would not let up unless I told her something. So I said what I felt was expected of me.
Despite the fact that my newfound friend and I shared similar struggles regarding our families, I was mystified as to how we dealt with our struggles much differently. I instantly regretted sharing with her too much of my history because it became evident to me in that in the moment I needed her to understand me, she did not actually understand me.
I had hoped that maybe wanting to die had crossed my newfound friend’s mind as nearly as much as it had crossed mine, but I realized that this was not the case. She sincerely did not understand, and I knew that I would never be able to explain it to her to make her see.
My newfound friend’s remedy was the same remedy the dorm mother had given me … that I needed to join in more with others and get about living. I felt annoyed by what seemed to be such a generalized response to a problem that was unique to me. It seemed to be the extroverted answer to introverted problems for everything.
People were supposed to make me feel better when any of my internalized issues with some people were part of my problem. I took the obvious road out of a lengthy discussion with my newfound friend by telling her that I was just feeling depressed. It was the generalized response to wanting to die.
There was no sense in me trying to explain anything if my newfound friend did not already understand me. In that moment I was disappointed that we had not clicked enough below the surface for her to really see me, but I could tell she wanted to try. So I did not cast her friendship away. After all, we had only known each other a week. A week is not nearly enough time to get to know someone even if we tried to cram every story about each other into such a small timeframe.
After what seemed like a painstakingly agonizing discussion, my newfound friend went on to class, and I went to the dorm mother’s suite to gather my things. There, the dorm mother gave me a list of numbers to call regarding therapeutic help. It was a requirement for me to reach out to a therapist to schedule an appointment for my mental health. I was actually required to get a therapist to sign off on a school document from the infirmary to verify proof that I had a few sessions of therapy to assist in resolving my issues.
There was no way I was going back to that infirmary if I could help it. Although the dorm mother agreed to be a sort of mediator, she suggested instead that I just drop off the papers in the infirmary box. Needless to say, I went about the task during the morning of calling and setting up a time to meet with a therapist. It was interesting that I found a therapeutic group and was assigned to see someone later on during the day.
One of the hardest parts was behind me, and that was having to face the scrutiny of a newfound friend. I had a long road to travel after this, but I was more concerned about tackling therapy.
Up in the next post: An Introduction To Therapy …
My Voice Unchained 
Interesting. You reminded me of the way I interacted with some of my “friends” in the past.
You know, I always respond to their sad thoughts and depressing past with empathy and really take in every single word they say to me during the conversation. I think I did a fantastic job as their friend by doing that, but the weirdest part about all this is that their response to my response wasn’t what I thought it should be. Immediately after those heartfelt conversations, they would treat it like we’d never had that conversation before, or some of them would just plain seek me out to validate the “good deeds” they’d done to people around them. (I had realized that the same one or two “friends” of mine who always seek me out to listen to their complaints always lie about what they say. I don’t have any proof, but that’s how I feel about it after all these years. Their behaviors and the actions alongside them just felt off, according to my intuition. I just can’t shake off the feeling they have actually been lying to me all these years.)
It’s so crazy these days with people; they really don’t have their core selves, and all their thoughts are flying around with no final destination. I can safely say to you that there’s no guaranteed way we could respond to their complaints properly.
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