Self-Sabotage … I Don’t Want To Do Anything

I Don’t Want To Do Anything

I’ve been in a funk lately. Actually, it’s been a while. I would classify this funk as depression because I’ve been dealing with symptoms like insomnia while trying to sleep as much as possible when I can, overeating while using food to comfort myself, and panicking a little about physical problems that could be related to getting older or to the fact that I’m getting older while staying sedentary.

There are several reasons why I have been feeling a little down, but none of them seem to motivate me to work hard on my blog. That’s the point though. That’s what depression does. It keeps me down with a lack of motivation. I don’t want to do anything, but I want to do a lot. I am just not motivated to do anything or even care about doing anything. Yet, inside of myself, I am panicked about my future. I am panicked about day to day things that I should be concerned about just because I am an adult.

At the same time, though, I wish I could fly away from my problems … even run. There just isn’t any escape. Although I have thought of escaping by disappearing, I know that I need to be active for my own sake. I need to live. I need to survive even though survival sometimes seems grim. I don’t want to die, but death has been on my mind as of late … as if taking the easy way out is really all that easy. It’s not though, and it’s not the route I want to take either. I actually love myself and my life even if life feels crappy sometimes.

However, I have a deep inner sadness, and there is bit of desperation behind me wanting to disappear. I don’t feel sad outwardly, and sometimes that deep inner sadness is only felt within the context of a dream. In the natural realm, I don’t feel anything except pure exhaustion … and sometimes numbness. I’m always tired because I don’t sleep, and when I do sleep, it’s often not restful sleep. So, my desperation is different now … far more different than it has been in the past.

The depression I experience now is even very different. It’s the kind of depression that resists medication and prolonged talks with others. Although I have a small circle of friends, I have chosen not to share with them my problems. After the pandemic, I saw my circle go through their own problems, and I simply don’t want to be a burden in giving them more to carry. So now, I lean on God and mainly myself. I talk myself through the darkness. I become my own strength. Although I desire support, I’ve learned to rely on me and a will to push myself into the sunshine.

Self-Sabotage

Ultimately, I feel that I am on some self-sabotage kick. I could be doing so much more with my life right now, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I have the want to do, but I do nothing. I have the will to do, but I don’t even will myself to get moving as I should. I am completely unmotivated even though I feel content, and that to me is odd. How can I be content with being unmotivated? It makes no sense. Yet, here I am, and here I be. What else in this life am I supposed to see? Why do I keep sabotaging myself?

When I hear someone say, “You’ve got to keep moving! Don’t give up!” I think to myself, “But I am moving … just not in a quick or even slow pace. I’m doing a bit each and everyday, but I still feel like it’s not enough. And I haven’t given up even though sometimes I really want to. I really want to just stop and get off this ride called life, but I feel that whatever it is that I am supposed to be accomplishing has yet to be realized.” What does it even matter anyway? I’m just one person out of 7.888 billion people. What does it matter the mark I make?

Then I remember a still small voice saying that I matter a lot.

Frankly, I feel like giving up even though I know that’s not a good idea. For now, those are my thoughts, but these have been my thoughts for a while. I’m trying to push through this haze of thick fog that feels more like someone is pushing against me. So because of this, I’ve felt the need to take a break … a break from my blog but a much desired break from this life. It is so difficult to push through especially when I am not motivated to do so. Maybe my mind is self-sabotaging because I don’t want to do anything. Who can relate?