Are Enablers Just As Bad As The Abusers?

*** Mentions sexual assault as it pertains to a minor, which some readers might find triggering

The Eyes Tell The Story

I have been reflecting on the fact that so many enablers are said to be worse than the narcissists they protect, and I believe that is true. Of course, I will say, that just because I believe it’s true doesn’t make it true, but I see it as true for me. Let me explain …

When I was nine, I was sexually assaulted by two teens. The most impactful thing that stood out about them were their eyes. The most vicious of the two had soulless black eyes that looked straight through me. I was certain that I had been handled by an actual demon. This teen emitted hatred which I did not comprehend at the time or even now. He treated me like my life did not matter. He was so aggressively brutal against me, I was sure that I was going to die at his hands that day.

The second of the two had brown eyes. It stood out to me that his eyes were completely normal. He had not been possessed by the darkness of complete evil, but he was definitely a participant. It was his eyes that I remember the most. It was his eyes that I silently pleaded with to stop and help me, but it was also his eyes that refused to meet mine. I remember thinking that he might have helped me if it weren’t for the most vicious one shouting the gruesome commands, but the one with brown eyes did nothing. He refused to allow his gaze to come upon mine.

Yet, the whole time, I felt that his eyes registered complete guilt for his despicable acts against me. His eyes gave me the sense that he was very aware that what he was doing to me was wrong. It was his brown eyes that taught me that humans have as much responsibility to hold for evil caused against others as the evil ones leading them to the charge. He was not guiltless. This teen was acting along with the other one committing a violent crime against someone whom they didn’t even know. I was a stranger to them … someone whom they had spotted on a walk from a community center and decided to make a target for their evil plans.

Nevertheless, whenever I’ve had PTSD nightmares, those brown eyes are the ones that stand out. This person could have helped me but chose not to and participated for the cause of evil anyway. He was just as evil as the one held down and possessed by evil. The one possessed by evil would likely continue to be evil anyway, but the one who seemed to have his complete will and volition in place … who could have made the choice to say to the other one, “Dude, leave her alone” or “No, Stop” said nothing of the sort. Instead, I remember them laughing about it and completely ignoring that I existed besides treating me like I was a rag doll.

I don’t negate that both were wrong because they were, and I’ve sometimes wondered whatever became of them. I can almost fathom that the soulless one is either dead, wreaking evil upon others or in prison for doing so. Yet, the one who seemed to be an enabler of the dark one’s deeds, consciously chose to rape that day just like his counterpart. I would imagine him as being viewed as an upstanding citizen, publicly, but doing dirty, abusive deeds behind the scenes that no one would ever know about. These kinds of people are just as dangerous.

I believe enablers know what they do. They are consciously aware of the decisions they make to stand by a narcissist. They know a victim of a narcissist’s abusive tactics is hurting, suffering, grieving, and/or reaching out for someone (often an enabler) to help change the course of the evil actions by the narcissist. Yet, enablers do nothing. They don’t help. They don’t stop the abuse. Some actually participate in the abuse. They only likely stop being enablers if there are no longer any benefits for them or if they see the evil of their ways and decide to stop. Yet, even then, it’s often still for their own benefits.

In all my life, I’ve had only one enabler of abuses against me to sincerely apologize with regretful remorse. This enabler recognized they were in the wrong while the abuses were going on but went along in the participation of hurtful things against me because they wanted to fit in with the group. I forgave them because even I realized how easy it is to be caught up and not speak out for what is right. This enabler told me how the group eventually turned on them and perpetrated the same abuses against them. It was then that they got a wake up call and sincerely realized how awful I must have felt as they metaphorically stood in my shoes.

Are Enablers Just As Bad As Narcissists?

Enablers are just as evil in the actions as the narcissist or abuser they follow. They are willfully and mindfully cognizant of the evil they leash upon others. They allow themselves to be influenced by not just the narcissist but their own desires to exact whatever evil is within their hearts to do against someone else. They aren’t innocent, and they aren’t somehow misguided unless there is some level of complete mind control.

On that horrible day of the sexual assault, I do not know if the one with the eyes of darkness was a narcissist, but I have no doubt that his gruesome, violent, and dark behavior led to him likely becoming a burgeoning, sadistic psychopath. He was on a mission, and the enabler fell in line with that mission. The enabler is just as guilty as the one who had the initial plan of attack within his heart. That evil plan may not have initially been upon the heart of the enabler to do that day, but he fell in line with it and chose to participate in it.

The enabler not only participated, but he watched as the other brutally beat me until I was bloody, battered and nearly unconscious. The enabler actually held me down for it all and laughed right along with his counterpart. So when I think about enablers and flying monkeys who do a narcissist’s bidding, I believe they are just as culpable for their own part in a narcissist’s abusive schemes against others. Enablers know, but they still choose to participate. I don’t know their reasons, and I don’t care, but I do not believe enablers will be held guiltless.