Our Journeys Are Not The Same: The Expert – Part 1

My Best Friend, The Expert

I had no friend quite like The Expert (or so I thought). The Expert taught me a lot about life, motherhood, marriage, divorce, and narcissistic personality disorder. I also learned a lot about myself, and during this time in friendship with The Expert, I also began the process of healing from loss and battling against the struggles of depression and anxiety.

The Expert and I were connected by a “matchmaking” friend of mine who was moving away and did not want me to be without a good friend. Although I had “friends”, my “matchmaking” friend did not believe that some of those “friends” were good to me and for me. She believed that I needed a friend who was far more grounded and had a better understanding of life, especially in the spiritual sense.

Although I did not see the appeal in befriending The Expert at first, The Expert and I eventually became what I believed to be the best of friends for 13 years. I had prayed to have a friend, and I believed that The Expert was the answer to my prayer. Even after all this time, I would like to say that she was an answer to my prayer during that time in my life but just not in the way that I would have ever expected her to be for me.

That friendship was the beginning of hard lessons regarding my relationships with people and myself. I had a lot to learn about life, love, and relationships as it related to toxicity. That friendship was the start of my journey to understanding the depths of depression, anxiety and personality disorders – particularly narcissistic personality disorders.

Our Journey

The Expert came into my life during a time that I really needed a friend. Although I had other friends, they were narcissistic individuals with a slew of disparagingly mean flying monkeys who took pleasure in subtly taunting and bullying me. The Expert was in need of a friend as well. In fact, we were both on similar spiritual journeys when we were first introduced to each other. Otherwise, we seemed to have been an unlikely pairing for friendship.

The Expert was in the process of going through a divorce from her husband who had left her and her children. Little did I know at the the time that he was actually cutting off contact from a narcissistic wife after suffering years of narcissistic abuse. Although I never really had the opportunity to get to know the Expert’s husband in depth (without being monitored), I eventually came to realize on my own exactly what he may have endured with the woman I called my best friend.

Nevertheless, The Expert and I entered a friendship on the basis of our individual journeys to seek wholeness from hurts that we had incurred, and through those hurts, we found a common ground through which to form a bond. We were an unlikely pair by all accounts except for the pain we experienced in our lives. The Expert was a newly separated single mother of three young children. I was new to the area and had just walked away from a narcissist I had almost married (had I actually said yes to his proposal).

The Expert and I met in church. So, the veil of religion caused me to miss the signs of narcissistic personality disorder festering within the depths of my friend. I would only come to learn more about this disorder because she talked about it incessantly as it supposedly related to the behavior of her ex-husband. I quickly took her side despite only hearing about his evil deeds from her. I only had her word, but I was a loyal friend and considered her word to be bond. Whatever she said her ex-husband did, I agreed. I was a flying monkey and had no idea of the terminology at that time.

It took time for the friendship between The Expert and I to grow. We spent countless hours talking on the phone. We spent time at each other’s homes. We also spent time on outings together. At some point, the adulation stage of our friendship shifted just enough that I began to notice subtleties in the way The Expert devalued me. They were not outright devaluing expressions though. Yet, I’d often leave her presence questioning miniscule occurrences of gaslighting and devaluation.

In particular, I found myself always trying to fix something about myself and my personality that The Expert often pointed out to me. In her sometimes subtle and overt words to me, it was clear that I had a problem. To her, my problems were far beyond what I was secretly battling, but the more she pointed out things that were wrong about me, the more I struggled internally.

I actually did have problems. I was battling depressive disorders, and The Expert was aware of this without me ever directly confiding in her about it. Unfortunately, my problems only became worse over time despite my prayers for healing and change, but I never took note that situations involving her (or that crazy narcissistic church I was a part of) were the culprit to making matters worse for me in that area. I was around a lot of other narcissistic personalities too (especially at church and work).

I was on the journey to becoming a better person, or so I thought. Yet, with each passing moment of the friendship I had with The Expert, I found that I was not making the improvements I desired for myself … at least in her eyes. I was a mess, and she never failed to make that known to me. No matter the wrongs she did, I was considered to be the worst compared to the two of us.

I will never forget the first episode of experiencing the silent treatment from The Expert. I do not remember the reason, but I remember we had attended a church function together. On the way from the function, we had a discussion, and I did not agree with something that had occurred at the function.

Because I voiced my opinion, I was forcefully shut down by The Expert’s verbal accusation of my insensitivity to the situation. She made it seem as if I had faulty thinking which she reminded me was unpleasing to God. I was crushed, and as I had always done when my voice became chained by others, I shut down and became quiet.

I was not purposefully responding to her silent treatment with my own silent treatment against The Expert. I shut down because I was hurt and attempting to process what had taken place with her. I was attempting to process her devaluation of me. It was not so much that her word’s stung my heart; there was something within her very energy that cut me like a knife and pierced through my soul.

Throughout our friendship, this devaluation of me to shut me down from speaking occurred a lot, and I was always to blame. She never took any responsibility unless I had facts with evidence that made her feel as if I was backing her into a corner. Otherwise, she was the expert and I was misinformed or ignorant. Looking back, I always considered her to be the wise one.

At some point I took note of how I began to feel around her, and I began pulling back from her as well as limiting the time I spent with her. It did not help that I was battling depression. Once, when I went to visit a neighbor in my building, I left my apartment door unlocked with things inside my apartment in disarray.

When The Expert called my home, I did not answer. This was during a time that I had pulled back from her to the point that I was not speaking to her regularly. I suppose she may have seen this as a form of “no-contact”. So she took action and came to my home to find that I was nowhere to be found even though my car was still parked in front of my residence.

The Expert claimed to have been desperately worried about me and went looking for help. When I returned home, she was gone. When I saw the calls I missed from her and a note left that she had stopped by, I called her, and it was the first time I was able to express the depths of the depression I suffered to her.

Somehow, The Expert interpreted my words about my depression as me shifting blame to her regarding my battles with depression. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t understand why she had made my depression about her, but at the same time, she claimed that she believed that I was seeking attention because I was jealous of her. To say I was astounded by this assertion was an understatement.

I hadn’t really gone into details about my inner world with The Expert. That part of my life was a secret even from her. I felt as if I constantly walked on eggshells regarding such deep topics, and like so many other narcissistic individuals in my life who had the same type of energy about them, I found it difficult to bare my soul to her, particularly because she had already formed her own opinions about “depressed people”.

The Expert recommended that I get into therapy. She claimed that I desperately needed help, especially if I had been contemplating suicide. Thinking that she cared about me but also confused by her blame-shifting and accusations that I was blame-shifting my issues onto her, I began looking for a therapist. I appreciated her support. I thought that maybe I was finally getting somewhere safe within the friendship with her, but I was wrong.

Stay tuned for the next post as my experiences with The Expert continues.