I Am Selectively Mute

I am selectively mute. I don’t choose to be mute, but in certain situations I just am. There are times that I just cannot talk no matter how much I want to talk. Something within me shuts down, and it’s as if my vocal cords become frozen.

When I desperately want to speak, there is an intensity I feel within me as if I must fight hard to get my words out. Sometimes they only come out by force, but that makes my problem much worse. The agony of this is hard to explain, and unless you experience this for yourself, then you just might not understand me.

I often have a lot to say. I have an internal dialogue with myself constantly. My mind even seems to talk to me, and it’s as if I have minds within minds that talk to me. Words are constantly moving within me and being vocalized within my head. Unfortunately, many of those conversational thoughts never reach the outside of my mouth because it’s often difficult to verbalize myself to others even when I want to do so.

I literally become overwhelmed with an influx of anxiety. A huge fire burns within me and settles within my gut. Then that fires rises up within my throat and becomes tight. Sometimes my ears become hot and I feel my face flush, but no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot speak. To the outside world, it appears as if something is wrong with me. I guess I’d say rightfully so, but there is literally nothing I can do about it.

Often, I have felt as if something has snatched my words away, and I am gripped by an intense and unexplainable fear. When I was a child, I could not understand this. I can’t even recall when mutism became an issue for me, but I often lived with conversations inside of my head all the time. I do remember having extreme anxiety as a child. I was anxious about nearly everything under the sun. I worried about things that were beyond my years to truly comprehend, such as the state of the world and all its sorrows, and I had an extreme fear of the dark.

According to a relative, when I was three, I was one of the most talkative and precocious children she had ever known. She said I talked all the time – nonstop. She claimed that I often spoke boldly and without fear. So, I always figured something must have occurred to take my voice away. When moments of fear would rise within me, it was as if my voice became chained … as if I choked up.

Growing up within a narcissistic environment and experiencing different elements of abuse can bring about different experiences with anxiety. I suppose that’s how selective mutism came into my life, but I don’t know. I also experienced trauma such as sexual abuse. Within my responses to trauma such as fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop modes, I experience selective mutism. Specifically, it’s often that I am in a freeze mode that I cannot speak. I do not move, and I do not respond. I do not speak because I cannot. My voice becomes chained and no words can escape.

Selective Mutism

The term “selective mutism” might be a bit misleading, as it might imply a conscious choice on the part of the individual to be mute in specific situations. However, the term is used to describe the selectivity of the anxiety-driven difficulty in speaking, rather than a voluntary decision to remain silent.

In selective mutism, the “selective” part refers to the specific situations or people around whom the person finds it challenging to speak due to heightened anxiety. It’s not about choosing to be mute but rather an involuntary response to anxiety in certain social or performance-based situations.

The word “selective” is used to emphasize the particularity of the mutism—being silent in some situations but not in others. The mutism is selective because it doesn’t occur uniformly across all social contexts. It’s important to recognize that individuals with selective mutism often experience significant distress and frustration due to their difficulty in speaking in specific situations, and it is not a matter of personal choice or preference.

If you or someone you know is experiencing selective mutism, it’s recommended to seek the guidance of mental health professionals who can provide a thorough assessment and appropriate interventions to address the underlying anxiety and support communication development.

In Other Words

Selective mutism is when someone, despite being able to speak, finds it really hard or impossible to talk in certain situations or around specific people due to anxiety. It’s not about being shy, and it often shows up in childhood.

So, imagine a child who talks freely at home but clams up at school or in public places. That could be a sign of selective mutism. The key is that the silence is consistent in these particular situations, and it’s because of anxiety, not a lack of ability to speak.

This difficulty speaking can affect different parts of life, like school or making friends, and it’s not just a phase of shyness. It’s a more intense form of anxiety that requires attention and support. With the right help, which might include talking to a therapist or using certain therapies, people with selective mutism can develop better ways to cope with their anxiety and improve their ability to communicate in different settings.