Reminded Of The Past

Reminded Of The Past

I was reminiscing on past relationships when I thought about a time when I was in high school and had befriended a guy who ultimately became like a best friend to me. We would hang out from time to time under the guise that I was hanging out with his sisters so as not to arouse my parents’ suspicions about my friendship with a boy.

I always felt guilty for sneaking around because my friend and I had no romantic ties at all. It was considered to be strange by others to hang out with a guy and there be nothing going on. I think this was just how relationships were perceived at the time. Today, things are somewhat different. Although I know that it still makes sense for parents to not want to give youth too much privacy.

Needless to say, when I would go over to my friend’s house, we would hang out in every room of the house but his own room. Although the doors in all rooms remained opened at all times by requirement, my friend never wanted me to go into his room. He would always give me three options to choose from, but none of those options ever included his own room.

At the time, I thought it was peculiar because if he wanted to talk to me about something personal, he would risk the embarrassment of having other family members walk in on us while we were talking. When I did question him about the reason his room was off limits, he would simply say it was too messy for visitors. I was not surprised to find that this was true. Even some of his siblings’ rooms were actually very messy.

As I reminisced over this particular memory. I thought about how there are certain aspects of narcissists that are off limits with targets no matter how close targets and narcissists appear to be to each other. Narcissists will only allow you to be as close to them as they can tolerate, and even when you think you are close to them, you definitely are not close to them at all. In fact, closeness is an illusion because you are never quite close enough.

Narcissists keep you just beyond the peripheral of entering their gates. They do not allow you to enter in. Their chambers are closed off to you. You can enter into their homes but not into their hearts. Despite being able to see into who they are even with your spiritual eyes open, many narcissists will not risk allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Such a risk is far too painful and is often worse than them taking off their masks to reveal the ugly side of themselves to you.

In my experience, I have seen that vulnerable place with every narcissist I personally knew. I have even sat in silence with them when that vulnerability would appear to me. Be that as it may, narcissists’ attempts to keep their true selves under wraps often falls to the wayside during moments when neither the narcissists nor I have expected it. These were rare occurrences that I knew they did not want shared with anyone else.

The shame that radiated from their bodies and transferred onto their faces was too difficult for them to contain, and I knew that they could not risk allowing anyone else to know the shame they experienced in those vulnerable moments when they are alone with themselves or at least when they were alone with me. For the most part, I just sat in silence with them and let them be and/or cry. The fact that I sat in silence with them and empathized with the depth of their pain and tried to understand it made for what I thought was a tender moment between us no matter how short-lived that moment.

… And that moment was short-lived. It is like I almost made it to the heart, but the heart has been capsized and covered with so much stuff … so much debris … so much pain … so much anger … so much hatred and so much pride. It is the pride that keeps the narcissists from allowing anyone into the deepest chambers to who they are beyond the masks they wear. I have gotten so close but still remained at a distance.

Getting so close was my reason for believing that they could and would change. I held on so strongly to those moments that I vowed to them and myself that I would still be there with them. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case with any of those narcissist no matter how much I tried or no matter how much they may have sincerely wanted me to try.

There is no getting close. Narcissists will not allow it. Although I never knew enough about my friend from high school to perceive that he was a narcissist, I knew enough to know that he was guarded with me about the deepest parts of himself. That is totally understandable, and I respected his boundaries. Yet, I could not help but wonder about his woundedness, his thoughts, and his perception. Remembering my time with him made me think of the various narcissists who have kept themselves walled up within themselves with extreme anguish and pain.

This friend was a part of a large family, but the dynamics of his large family reminded me of my own family – very narcissistic. It was more so a family that resembled the family of my mother’s. With a family that large, the children could become lost within the parts they played, but they were expected to live up to those parts. There’d always be an ever-revolving rotation of scapegoats, lost children, and golden children.

The good thing is that I could empathize with my friend, but the bad thing is that I could also empathize with my friend. Only for certain moments did my empathy for my friend’s plight signify with a glimmer that he might have appreciated my care and concern for him, but that glimmer may have also been the realization that I did care, and he could take advantage of the fact that I did care.

Needless to say, there is no win-win with narcissists. It is the main reason I gave up on completing my studies in mental health. I thought I could help narcissists, but I came to learn through diligence and longsuffering that helping the narcissists is simply not possible for me. It may not even be possible for the best of us because the realization is that narcissists must come to first want to help, and that is not necessarily the case if they don’t believe they need help.

Anyway, I maintained friendship with this male friend until we went our separate ways to live out our life goals. Just like my family’s dysfunctional state remained somewhat intact, so did his family’s. I think we somewhat drifted apart because he didn’t feel strong enough to separate himself from his family as much as I wanted to separate myself from mine. Yet, at the same time, I think he wanted separation badly but felt he needed to remain loyal. Sometimes the pull of soul ties within such a dysfunctional system is all too strong to break away from without intensive prayer, fasting, perseverance and no-contact.

The last I heard from this friend was years ago, and he still maintained strong connections with his family. He very much reminded and still reminds me of my brother – still maintaining ties with a narcissistic parent because of immense loyalty and fear of the unknown for his own life. Life for him has fallen into a category of desperation I’m all to familiar with – the hope of escaping a familial hell that only those who’ve experienced it can understand – but wishing one day he finds his healing.