“Narcissistic hoovering by proxy” refers to a manipulative tactic often employed by narcissists or individuals with narcissistic tendencies to manipulate or control someone indirectly through a third party.
In my own personal experience, my father appears to be acting as a proxy or intermediary on behalf of my narcissist mother to attempt to reestablish contact with me or influence my decisions, despite my choice to maintain no-contact.
Behaviors Associated With Narcissistic Hoovering By Proxy
Some common behaviors associated with narcissistic hoovering by proxy include:
- Using Intermediaries: The narcissistic individual may enlist the help of family members, friends, or acquaintances to convey messages or manipulate the target into resuming contact.
- It appears that this is currently happening with my dad. He has been texting, calling and leaving voice messages that hint around to wanting me to contact my mother and brother. Yet, even he knows that he’s attempting to cross one of my boundaries because the way he words his messages to me is indicative of a manipulative tactic to sway me to do what he (and ultimately they – my mother and brother) want(s) me to do.
- Manipulative Communication: The narcissistic individual may use persuasive or guilt-inducing tactics to convince the target to reestablish contact or reconsider their boundaries.
- For instance, my dad will often say that he is just the messenger even when it’s clear he doesn’t need to be a messenger when I’m no-contact with my mother and brother.
- Disregard for Boundaries: The narcissistic individual and their proxies may disregard the target’s boundaries and preferences, prioritizing their own desires for contact or control.
- In fact, sometimes my dad will increase contact specific to the desires of my brother and/or mother. Usually, my dad and I will talk once every other week. So when I get an increase of contacts within even a week’s span, then I automatically know manipulation is at work in an effort to get me to lower or disregard my boundaries concerning my mother and/or brother.
- Guilt Tripping: Flying monkeys or proxies may use guilt or emotional manipulation to pressure the target into compliance, often by portraying the narcissistic individual as a victim or appealing to familial obligations.
- For the most part, health issues on my mother’s part and the fact that both my parents are aging seem to be the gateway to which my dad hopes that I will succumb to in an effort to bring my mother and me together. Yet, in all the years I’ve been no-contact from her, I’d think he’d give up that I’m going to budge my boundaries. However, narcissistic families aren’t easily swayed even when boundaries have been firmly established against them. They hoover by any means necessary.
- Undermining Autonomy: By using proxies, the narcissistic individual seeks to undermine the target’s autonomy and independence, reinforcing their own sense of control and superiority.
- This is why I never give in and often feel as if I need to make the final cut away from even my dad, but that’s a difficult emotional battle since he’s taken enormous strides to make changes for himself.
Frankly, I wouldn’t wish this lot on anyone. It’s a psychological nightmare!
Overall, I feel frustrated and annoyed by my dad’s attempts to facilitate contact with my mother and brother, especially when it goes against my decision to maintain no-contact for the sake of my peace and mental health. Yet, I continue to choose me by prioritizing my well-being and boundaries, even if it means asserting myself against attempts at manipulation or interference.
Even candid conversations with my dad about your boundaries and the reasons behind your decision to maintain no-contact seem to allude his common senses. How much more do I need to clearly communicate my needs and expectations, and assertively reinforce my boundaries regarding this matter?
As of late, it has all come down to me now needing to set limits on communication with my dad because his actions seem to continue to undermine my boundaries and well-being in this matter. Although I’m all for familial reconciliation, I have grown to realize that there is no true reconciliation within a narcissistic family dynamic. In the long run, the target actually ends up giving in to whatever the narcissistic family wants by giving up on keeping no-contact.
I’ve decided that I have the right to prioritize my own mental health and well-being regardless of what my family believes for me. Unfortunately, they are still holding onto and living by narcissistic values, and I have decided that is simply not the life I want for me. As much as I would love to have my family in my life, I don’t want them nor need them in the way that they and others seem to think. I want to be healthy, and I will risk not being a part of that family system in order to maintain my health and well-being.
My Voice Unchained 