Each time I have distressing conversations with my dad, I must remind myself that my feelings are absolutely valid, especially given the patterns of manipulation and intrusiveness I’ve always observed from my family. Narcissistic family dynamics remain the most difficult to change, in my opinion, and I am basing this on personal experience.
Of all the narcissistic individuals I’ve dealt with in my life, its been the most challenging to set and hold boundaries with my parents because they are often so determined to bypass them, especially when there’s an expectation from them that family obligations should override my own needs and priorities in favor of theirs. It’s as if I don’t matter, and sadly, that’s a feeling I’ve always held as my placement within the family since I can remember.
Discerning The Real Deal
My dad often calls me on the weekend. It’s like clockwork. In the beginning, I’d get early morning calls – calls so early that it would have been assumed that I didn’t need any extra sleep. Despite my setting a boundary that I’d prefer to be called after 10 a.m. on Saturdays – the only day I have for sleeping in – my dad would always override this. His attitude was that if he was up and awake for the day, then I should be too.
When I stopped picking up calls before my designated time, my dad soon gave in and began calling me as I’d requested but not after giving me the silent treatment a few times by not calling me at all or calling me much later in the day. I knew, even if he never said anything, that my need to set a boundary was still going to be challenged one way or the other. It’s just something I’ve always known regarding narcissistic behavior.
Nevertheless, my dad and I both fell into a routine. He’d call, and we’d talk. Well, actually, he’d talk, and I’d simply listen unless I had an overwhelming desire to talk about something of depth. The conversations were always the same. He’d talk about the happenings and the people of the area and would frequently quiz me on people I either couldn’t remember or would rather forget. Then I’d have to be reminded of some story to refresh my memory.
I was never amiss of discussions within our routines either. I could always tell when my dad would venture off course with some random discussion about something I could care less about. I also knew when he was hinting around to a topic I’d rather not discuss or a topic that was beyond my boundaries. If he pressed to discuss things concerning my narcissist mother and brother, I’d listen and leave it at that. I wouldn’t add any further commentary because I simply wanted no parts of their drama.
Other times, my dad would find himself engulfed in family drama concerning my brother, his siblings, or my mother with whom he has long since divorced from years ago. I’d simply listen and not get involved, but if I was asked for advice, I’d give insights and leave it at that. I attempted to give my support where needed, but I was always careful not to include myself in any dynamic that I would regret later because I found that my dad always wanted me to say yes to something without giving me the full details first.
Needless to say, I always discern when my family members are up to something. Even without having much contact, I know them well. Knowing them so well is the reason why I limit contact or have gone no-contact in the first place. I do not want to be involved in any of their soap opera drama. Even though my dad has worked on positive change the most out of the rest of my family members, I still find that he still attempts to circumvent my boundaries, hoping to draw me into commitments that suit his needs and desires.
My dad’s most recent call seemed to mask a larger request. Without him coming out and saying what it was that he desired, he seemingly played what I considered to be a game of manipulation with me, and my growing frustration over this gave way to fury. When I receive random calls from him at varying times throughout the week, I get red flags instantly. Because of his age, my first thought is always that there might be a family emergency even though this usually isn’t the case. Then, I’m hit with a feeling of annoyance because I don’t perceive that he’s wanting anything at all except to bother me.
The calls can become so frequent that I actually become annoyed because I feel as if I’m being monitored and stalked. For instance, the most recent calls were regarding scam texts and calls, a recent death regarding a person I either didn’t remember or actually didn’t know, and issues with my mother’s health – his ex-wife of a great number of years with whom he claims not to maintain as much contact with as me, even though I am the one who’s no-contact from her.
Most times, my dad’s calls are bothersome, with him asking me critiquing questions about a lifestyle that I’ve chosen that he simply doesn’t comprehend. Being no-contact from my narcissist mother and other narcissistic family members makes no sense to him no matter what they’ve done to me. According to him, I should just forgive, and even though I believe I walk out forgiveness daily or as much as I possibly can, I’m still questioned on my choice to limit contact.
However, I felt that this latest phone call took the cake and really alerted me to the fact that a narcissistic individual can only mask their true intentions for so long. True change isn’t possible when a narcissistic individual insists on continuing in toxicity. I’d say the same for my dad. His most recent call seemed to mask his true intentions, and I found his behavior to be quite frustrating. In fact, his indirect communication made interacting with him feel like a trap or test, which only increased the tension and mistrust I felt within our relationship.
I literally felt like I was being manipulated, and I was angry because it really seemed that my dad didn’t think that I knew that’s what he was doing all along. He called me five times, and the calls all summed up to him eventually wanting me to give up my time to assist him. Mind you, my dad lives in another state away from me hundreds of miles away. Even though the distance is not so far that I couldn’t drive for a quick visit, it’s not so close that I’d want to actually do that.
Instead of my dad just coming out and asking me what he wanted, he made four phone calls and talked around the issue. The last call before the final one was to tell me about someone’s funeral that he planned to attend over the weekend. I didn’t think anything of it, but I did wonder why I needed four phone calls just for him to explain this fact. It wasn’t until his final call that I realized the reason. He’d been baiting me up to that point.
My dad: Are you busy this weekend?
Me [puzzled]: It’s already the weekend, and it’s about over.
My dad: What do you have going on tomorrow?
Me [feeling a rising anger past the point of annoyance as I considered the previous phone calls and their original purpose: I’m busy.
I hesitated to explain that I would be actually working … that I’d actually be on duty and completely unavailable, but I paused as I felt I didn’t need to explain anything … that I didn’t’ need to give a reason. Plus, he was asking me to assist him without any notice. I clearly had only a few hours to change any plans that I had, and that wasn’t fair to me at all, and it certainly wasn’t considerate. I didn’t really even know the person who’d died, but I was expected to stop my life to get him to a funeral that he’d known about for over a week?
My dad [his voice was falling flat in that familiar sounding way that indicated disappointment] Well, I guess I’ll get there somehow. [long silent pause] I’ll figure it out myself, but thanks.
Me: OK
We both hung up, but I was furious! I thought, “Why didn’t you ask this the first time? Why go around in circles and then attempt to make me feel like the bad guy for saying no? Why call me a million times pretending like there’s some big deal just to talk to me about nothing when what you really called for had everything to do with getting me to do something you wanted me to do?” GRRRRRR!!!!!!!! The anger was so palpable, I was speechless. I immediately felt like a small child having a temper tantrum.
I immediately felt myself sinking back into early adulthood when I felt as if my life hadn’t truly become my own yet. I felt myself instantly remembering a past that I wanted to forget. I remembered how my mother would monopolize all of my weekends once I first got my new car and how my father would actually monopolize my car on other weekends by taking it on long trips, leaving me having to walk to get to where I needed to be. It was an infuriating feeling, but it was like I didn’t have control over what belonged to me because I had parents who tried to control my life and make me feel guilty for not allowing them to control it.
To say I was furious in this chain of memories was an understatement, but I also felt that those feelings were residual, and I immediately needed to let go. It was not a weight of emotions I wanted to carry. In fact, it was burdensome when I thought about it because I always hated how I felt back then. It was then that I realized that my dad, even though changed in some ways, was still resorting back to toxic behaviors to accomplish what he wanted for himself. I saw peaks of a person who I at one time considered to be a narcissistic, selfish person who always gaslighted me into believing that I was selfish for not allowing him to have free use of my brand new car at the time.
Currently, I considered that my dad had the audacity to think that I’d give up an entire day to cater to his needs without him ever once considering my own needs. If I had said I wasn’t busy, then my day would have been planned for me, along with a sentiment to guilt-trip me into giving in to the request. The fact was that I was literally supposed to drive to pick him up in another state, different from the one I lived in, take him to a funeral within my home state nearly 100 miles away from my actual home, attend a funeral of someone I didn’t know because that would be the expectation instead of me waiting it out in my car, and then take him back home while having to drive myself back home too … was simply too much!
When I thought about the futility of all this, I was livid! When I thought about the fact that my dad ended his phone call with me sounding disappointed as if that would be all that was needed to induce a feeling of guilt within me for his plight, I was even more ticked off. I just wanted to be left alone! Yet, I’d feel myself regressing as if to go back to a child-like or even an immature state of mind. In fact, I’d resort back to how I was made to feel when I was a younger adult, and the feelings were the exact same. I felt used, slighted, trampled upon, maligned, and devalued, and just the thought of those feelings were enough to make me scream out verbally that I was “tired of being used by people” … especially my own family.
Then, I thought about how these manipulative tactics that my dad used were no different than the same manipulative tactics that my mother would use with me to get what she wanted. It was all the same. They’d give me a series of phone calls talking to me about a lot of nothing – not really intent on getting to know me as a person … just talking about other things … never really asking me about my life, my happiness, my sadness or anything remotely about me … just mundane nothingness that seemed like something for the sake of having conversation.
Then the primary reason for either of my parents’ phone calls would be revealed over time within the conversation. Yet, instead of just coming out and asking me for what they wanted, they’d beat around the bush so that I would need to infer what was going on, but I would never ever give them what they wanted … I’d never take the bait … I’d never offer because I knew it was a trap. Because I wouldn’t play their games, they were left to just come out and ask me as a last moment kind of thing, already knowing that my answer was going to be “no”, but they were going to milk the moment for all that they could.
I was beside myself with angst and so tired of the games both my parents played, and yet, here we were again, but this time it was more or less my dad. It left me to ponder so much. Why can’t people just say what they want? Why must they tiptoe and manipulate? Why do they make it seem like I’m the one with the problem … as if I might be the narcissist? Then, when someone asks my dad why he couldn’t make it to the funeral, then I will look like I’m to blame when that is not the true case at all. It’s such an insufferable plight!
In all of this, I’d say my frustration makes complete sense. Being angry is a normal reaction to someone’s attempts to manipulate me. It’s incredibly unreasonable for my dad to expect me to spend an entire day driving back and forth, especially given that it’s MY time, gas, and energy on the line. AND, his overlooking this huge ask, without even thinking of logistics or considering how it might affect me, shows a lack of empathy and practicality. Just considering it all made it really draining for me to even want to handle.
It’s clear that my dad’s request was more about what he wanted than what made sense. A thoughtful, reasonable approach would have been for him to find a way to express his condolences remotely. He could have also caught a ride with the friends who actually live near him who he mentioned were going to the funeral too. Furthermore, his problems are not my problems. When he said he would figure it out, I silently agreed, and I hoped he wouldn’t consider me again.
Although I didn’t feel any obligations to begin with, I still felt as if my boundaries were being pushed for the purpose of making me falter, and that’s completely unfair. I absolutely hate having to fight for the right to have my boundaries respected, but when dealing with narcissistic family members, I have to stand firm in boundaries or those narcissistic family members will just run right over them without a second thought.
I do care about my family, but I am not obligated to be on call for every request or demand they make, especially when those requests and demands disrupt my life so much. Even though it’s upsetting for me to constantly have to do, sticking to my boundaries shows my strength and self-respect. I have worked very hard to maintain those boundaries in the face of my dysfunctional family members, and I remain committed to doing so for my own mental and emotional health.
Sadly, I realize I still have a lot to consider here regarding no-contact and limited contact. It just might be time for me to once again severe another parental cord. The grief of narcissistic abuse when it comes to family just doesn’t seem to have an end. Stay tuned for more …
My Voice Unchained 