From time to time I get reminders regarding my mother – her doctor appointments, her hospital visits, and other personal issues concerning her. Despite my no-contact from her, she still lists me as an emergency contact or next of kin. In case of a need, I will get phone calls to discuss her personal business as if I am an actual messenger for her. Instead of calling her, people will call me.
I never answer these calls. I always let them go to voicemail. I’ll listen to the message and then discard. Sometimes I don’t listen at all, but I still discard them. It’s annoying because sometimes I might receive five calls in a day from the same person since I’m listed as a contact. Why my mother doesn’t use my brother as her emergency contact or next of kin is very strategic on her part. I suppose she believes that if a doctor is calling me regarding her care, then I will answer.
It’s an age old narcissistic tactic for getting the target to break their no-contact rule. I never fall for it. In the past I did and would always regret it. Now, I don’t give in because I know the game. It’s a game I don’t want to play anymore. Plus, I’m just not ready to open those gates for my mother to come flooding in. Also, I know that having others call and leave me messages only builds her case against me as a horrible daughter. It would most likely be perceived by others that I’m the troublemaker and not willing to take care of my mother in her deepest need.
My mother knows what she’s doing. She lives with my brother. I live in another state. I’m not the only child. Yet, I’m the only one who’s willingly estranged from the family dynamic. I made a choice to walk alone. I wanted to gain my sanity from the toxicity of years of narcissistic abuse, and I wanted to heal. I can’t be healthy as long as I remain in connection with a person who doesn’t seem to make any effort to change their behaviors. In fact, almost the whole of my family is dysfunctional in their behaviors, and I had to step away from that for my own good.
I’m simply not ready to open that door. I feel bad about my mother’s health, but I have very little power over the direction her health takes. Despite loving my mother, I’m simply not ready to go back into such a toxic dynamic with her. I’m just not willing to do that just because of her declining health. Inside, she is still the same narcissistic individual she’s always been, and using doctors and whoever else she can get to call and leave messages for contact is what she’ll do in an effort to get me to break no-contact from her.
My mother’s manipulation hasn’t changed, and I’m doubtful that it ever will. It’s bad enough that other family members will join in attempts to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Yet, now, I’m beyond anyone’s judgment of my actions. I’m not the blind one here, and for the most part, they know how my mother is too. They simply act like I should tolerate her behaviors simply because she is my mother, and she’s sick. No. I’m not ready. If she stays the same way that she is now, I’ll likely never become ready any time too soon either.
I’m not being stubborn. I don’t even need to convince myself of this. I’m just not in a place anymore that I feel like tolerating anyone’s devaluation of me, and that is okay. Until the point that I’m ready, I’m still not ready. So, I know my mother is going to continue to go about her narcissistic hoovering tactics because that’s what narcissists do when they are eager to bring their target back into the fold. As someone who is adamant about continuing to heal and walk on a healthier and more peaceful path, I’m all about standing ten toes down on never going back to the toxicity.
I’m not ready. Do I have to be?
My Voice Unchained 