On the way home from an evening drive, I felt the tussle of something underneath my car. It was a familiar feeling, and when the tire pressure light flashed on the dashboard, I knew that there was something wrong.
I instinctively knew I’d most likely run over a nail and that it was stuck within the tire. As I drove over a speed bump, I felt as if the nail was moving around as I heard a loud scraping noise against the pavement. Then there was a thump as the tire seemed rock and roll over the pavement.
There was going to be a flat tire, and I hoped it would hold itself at bay until I could get to an automotive shop in the morning. The only thing open so early would would be near I place where I once worked during a time that seems so very long ago even though it was recent.
I hoped to get my car to the shop prior to being seen by anyone who knew me, but that just wasn’t to be the case. A former team lead saw me and stared. I spoke. This was a team lead that I hadn’t given a formal goodbye to, and based on the fact that no one knew I’d given my two-weeks notice, this team lead hadn’t been aware until they returned back to work.
There would be no hugs. I didn’t have that kind of relationship with this team lead, but he shared light conversation on a superficial level. For me, that’s tough to do. So the conversation was very short, but I was happy to see them, even though they seemed a little miffed to see me. I would imagine that in some way there might have been a feeling of betrayal on their part being that I hadn’t told them I was planning to leave.
Nevertheless, I figured that since this former team lead had seen me, there’d be others I’d run into on my way inside the building to retrieve some documents I needed from the human resource person who reminded me of my mother. On my way to that office, I ran into a coworker who’d chided me about being selectively mute because I don’t look selectively mute. She chatted with me for a bit and continued to stare at me before finally saying, “You look really good!”
Yet, I thought this coworker looked really good as well. She’d tell me that she’d taken some time from work after I’d left and had gotten much needed rest. I figured that I must have no longer appeared tired and worn down. That particular job did take a lot out of me to the point I couldn’t enjoy my waking life all that much because I was too exhausted to do so. Needless to say, I could tell by the things this coworker had shared that nothing much had changed, but I didn’t really care to know.
So I cut the conversation short to go and retrieve some documents from human resources. This mean I had to encounter and address the woman who reminded me so much of my mother. Instead of me entering into the office, I asked a former coworker, who didn’t remember me at all, to go and deliver a message that I was in the waiting area needing assistance. Thankfully, the person from human resources, who had originally hired me for that job was in a “friendly” mood. Because I appeared professional, she immediately retrieved the documents and gave them to me.
Oddly, there seemed to be no air of familiarity between us. It was as if this hiring manager didn’t even remember me. She didn’t even remember my name. Despite not being in my previous normal work uniform, I didn’t think I was that forgettable after the encounters that I’d had with her in the past, but she spoke to me as if I wasn’t a recent employee. Interestingly, I felt nothing as I walked away from her. There was no emotional connection whatsoever. I felt absolutely nothing – NOTHING! There was not one ounce of feeling where this person was concerned at all.
After leaving the human resources office, I walked swiftly back to the path of the entrance to leave. Prior to being able to do so, another former coworker came around the corner and spotted me. This former coworker had started her own factious group to stand down to the silent bullying of a bully I referred to as Damsel in Distress. This coworker was so happy to see me. I was happy to see her. We embraced for a moment, and the embrace felt genuinely and warmly sincere. We chatted for a few, and I felt more open to talk with her. I could tell by the things she’d said that work had basically remained the same.
After bidding farewell to her, I decided to peek my head into the old work area just to say hello. Since I didn’t see anyone but the team lead, who had their back turned towards me, I decided to just leave. However, I didn’t make a clean break before I was seen by someone who said a loud “hello”. Once I turned around to see the voice behind the greeting, I was right in the forays one of of the flying monkeys a part of the mobbing group I called the mobsters. Along with that flying monkey was someone who was often a silent bystander who often partook in the silent treatments and stone walling against me too.
It was interesting that their faces showed a mixture of surprise and anger and everything else in between. The one who often stood by as a silent bystander seemed genuinely happy to see me, and although I spoke cheerfully to that particular flying monkey, silent bystander looked to see the reaction of the flying monkey. That flying monkey had an angry look on their face and would barely even look at me.
In fact, there was was an ugly sneer on the flying monkey’s face, and when I glanced back at the silent bystander, their own smile quickly faded into a smirk. It was then that I realized that I was missing nothing in this arena. I was glad to no longer be there. The more things changed, the more things remained the same. Nothing had really changed in their behaviors though. They were still adult women with the high school mentality of mean girls. They still had nasty attitudes which they most likely unleashed on whoever they perceived as “different”.
In the moment of that interaction, I knew their reactions towards me were more about their own issues with themselves than any issues to do with me. They might have smirked at me in response to my saying “hello”, but I didn’t care about their reactions to me. I’m not there anymore, and I don’t regret leaving. I also don’t regret leaving the way I did – not giving them any notice at all. Neither of those flying monkeys knew I was leaving until after I’d made my exit from the job. Damsel in Distress (the leader of this mob group) didn’t even know I was leaving to never return until I’d clocked out to go home.
For all I know, my name is “mud” to them, but I don’t care. The door is closed to that workplace, and if I thought I needed closure from this place, I didn’t. Although I was apprehensive about going into the place, I somewhat forced myself to get a much needed document that was never mailed to me. Needless to say, I faced my fear of running into anyone and realized that I felt nothing – no attachments, no emotions, no hang-ups. I’ve moved on, and even though it was good to reconnect with familiar faces, they are no longer a part of my “now” journey.
I’ve moved into a new chapter.
My Voice Unchained 