Having love for someone and deciding not to remain in relationship with them actually does happen. I know because it’s the current status of my life right now.
[It’s a reality many don’t talk about enough — that love and distance can co-exist.]
Anyone that I am no contact with is someone I obviously decided to sever relational ties with, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still have love for them. I just choose to love them from a distance.
[And that choice didn’t come easy — it came through pain, reflection, and the realization that peace matters more than proximity.]
I have no control over how a person I am no-contact with chooses to maintain their lives. I only have control over how I choose to maintain my own life. For my peace of mind, I choose to disengage myself from as many narcissistic relationships as possible.
Although I often find that I have to navigate through narcissistic relationships in various ways and in various environments, I can limit the amount of time I spend around most narcissistic individuals. Even in the workplace I find that remaining silent and/or using the grey rock method helps me to keep my distance sometimes.
[It’s a survival tool — not a lack of strength.]
That’s when I see having selective mutism as a gift. If I can’t talk, then I can’t engage.
However, there are some relationships I chose to escape from to not only stay safe from narcissistic harm, I also wanted to break free from the ongoing trauma of narcissistic abuse. I might still love these people, but I love my freedom and peace from such toxic relationships a whole lot more.
[Freedom is the foundation where true healing begins.]
Plus, I am able to freely heal without hindrance and without them. In fact, I’ve learned that I can’t heal with “them” in my life. I have to be completely disengaged for healing to occur.
There is very little healing that takes place when I’ve remained in an abusive relationship or environment. Despite there not always having been a clear way to exit those relationships, once I did exit them, I was free to heal from the abuse.
If I remained, I was always taken through the cycles of narcissistic abuse even if I did all that was possible to disengage myself. I still had to endure the presence of the narcissistic individual and their devaluation of me in some form.
[That constant exposure, no matter how subtle, chips away at the soul. Healing can’t truly begin while still being actively harmed.]
Freeing myself from toxicity is always my main goal when needing to sever myself away from narcissistic people. At some point, I can no longer bear to be in such toxic company that I push myself to get away.
That’s when I know that I’ve had enough, and despite my love for the person I’m severing ties from, I know things with this person will never get better. It’s best for me to just cut my losses and go my own way.
[That clarity often comes in silence, in stillness — when the soul finally says, ‘No more.’]
For the most part, I usually never see the people I sever ties with again. I don’t go out looking for them, and I don’t have expectations to run into them. I simply live my life without considering their existence.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about their future or what happens to them. I’ve just come to learn that I’m not responsible for what happens to them or their future, and I’ve learned the hard truth … that my love really doesn’t matter to them anyway.
[And that realization — though painful — is freeing. It reminds me that love is never meant to be sacrificed on the altar of self-betrayal.]
It’s best to just move on.
My Voice Unchained 