Frozen
For a few weeks, I have been frozen. I could not push through the metaphorical ice. The ice was so thick, and there was a fog in my brain. I was exhausted. My body ached. Yet, I was not physically sick (in the beginning). I just did not have the capacity to write about my experiences with any narcissists. I could not even finish my blog posts about Rain. The recall of events is all there in my mind, but it was mentally draining to put it down into words. I was frozen.
Maybe frozen is not the best word in my case, but it was the only word that came to mind. For weeks, I felt immobilized from writing long details about my experiences with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. I am learning that this is okay even though it makes for a blog that might be a bit disconnected right now. It was more than writer’s block. I just did not have the energy to exert to details about the narcissists of my past. I was frozen.
It did pass, and I have experienced this before. I also keep a personal journal, and I did not have the energy to give to that either. I have just not been in the mental state to want to think about narcissists. So I lived my life in the moments as those moments presented themselves, but I was desperately tired. Maybe this is just a part of the process of healing, changing, and growing. I would indeed say that this place of feeling frozen is one of the effects of narcissistic abuse.
The fog now feels somewhat clear, but whenever I feel that frozen feeling come upon me again, I will take it as a sign to slow down or even pause. I have an entire lifetime to live, and I do not have to nor want to devote everything in my life to narcissists. I have done enough of that. Now I am narcissist-free. I still plan to tell my story, but I will take my time with it. There is no hurry. I am learning. I am healing. I am growing. This is a journey. I will take the paths as they come.
My Voice Unchained 