Lately, I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve had things I want to do and places I want to go, but I feel almost as if I can’t move. I have the desire to get moving, but my body and mind don’t seem to be cooperating. There is this feeling of being suffocated, stuck, and exhausted, even though I am physically free.
I’ve been thinking about two dreams I had within a few months of each other, both involving an octopus holding me down. I don’t want to go back through all the details because even thinking about them feels draining, but the feeling has stayed with me. I’ve started to see those dreams differently. Maybe they represent old generational bonds that I am still trying to loosen. I don’t always know how to break those bonds, but I know I’m working on it.
Going no contact with a bloodline can be very different from going no contact with colleagues, lovers, or friends. There are things connected to family that feel deeper than a relationship you simply decide to walk away from. There are patterns, expectations, attachments, and ways of being that can feel like they have been passed down. You can physically leave and still find yourself carrying something that takes time to release.
That is where I feel like I am right now. I am physically free from the people I chose to walk away from, but something is still gripping me. I’m trying to loosen its hold without pretending I know exactly what that process is supposed to look like.
Sometimes I think of myself as a branch that has dislodged itself from the tree. I’m no longer attached to the whole thing, but I’m still figuring out what it means to grow from here. Maybe that is part of the exhaustion. Maybe my body is finally trying to come out of years of holding, masking, surviving, and simply getting through.
I don’t know if there is a perfect name for what I’m experiencing. Burnout. Deep exhaustion. Healing. Maybe some combination of all of it. I just know that my body feels sick, my head feels foggy, and I’m tired.
But I’m still here, and I’m still working through it. I don’t have to understand every part of the process before I can keep loosening the grip.
I’m free. I’m just learning how to feel free, too.
